Sorrynotsorry

My friends like to point out the upside of my traveling over the holidays when I feel alien and like I have no where else to go because I’ve chosen to distance myself from my dysfunctional family.

“At least you saw some beautiful places…” - Yes, I went to a beach keenly aware that I was alone, it was Thanksgiving and I ate alone with food I picked up from the grocery store that I didn’t actually have to cook. It was fine—at best. But better than sitting with dysfunctional family—mine or anyone else’s.

“At least you got to travel and get away…” - I wasn’t a vacation. It was an escape, a hiding, an anxiety-ridden space of time where I needed to be anywhere else than home.

“At least blah blah blah” - Just stop. I do the best I can with the situation that I’m in. We live in a world that is structured by families. I will always feel outside of the norm. Do I have to pretend fine just to make you okay with my struggle?

This kind of response is why I need to run and hide. At least I can be myself and feel my feelings when I’m alone. I don’t want to be around people who want me to find the upside in having no family. Newsflash, it sucks. You feel like a spotlight is on your head wherever you go. You don’t want to go out. You don’t want to stay in. You don’t want to be with cheery other peoples families to remind yourself that that will never be your life.

And by you, I mean me. I speak for myself when I say stop trying to find the silver lining. Sometimes some things in life suck.

#Truth #Sorrynotsorry #CPTSD #ComplexPTSD
#alone #DysfunctionalFamily

I'm so tired of having to apologize when I don't feel like I did anything. And I'm tired of ALWAYS being the one to keep in touch. But I'm afraid to say that to them because my fear of abandonment.

#Sorrynotsorry, #Depression, #CPTSD,

I am not flaky.
We (even "the normal") all get sleepy, not ARE sleepy.
We all get grumpy, NOT are...
We all get aggressive, not are...
...get forgetful, not are...
We all
lash out,
cry,
overthink,
overcompensate....
not are...

The point that I would like to make is that
with or without a mental health issue,
none of us are perfect.

#MentalHealth #Anxiety #Depression #Suicide #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

I do not follow Twitter fights or celebrity dramas. However, a recent one that came to my attention involved Ariana Grande, Kanye West and Pete Davidson; the latter two suffer from Bi-Polar and Borderline Personaity Disorder, and the spat culminated in fears for Pete's safety with many worrying he was feeling suicidal following a tweet he made.
It started with Ariana making a 'joke', Kanye called her out for using his issues to her advantage and Pete tweeted in solidarity with Kanye.
However, it wasn't her initial tweet that caused the most problems for me.
It was her weak apology that irked me,

"man i’m so sorry i told a dumb joke. i really didn’t mean any harm. all i want everyone to be healthy and happy. so desperately. please. my god."

It sounded dismissive and insincere. I don't know about you but I could almost taste the hidden accusation...
"It was only a DUMB joke"... So there's no need for that reaction.
"It was only a DUMB joke"... So #Sorrynotsorry
She goes on to say she recognises it was "probably" insensitive...
Here again we see that insincerity poking through, this time whispering "YOU'RE too sensitive".

She finishes by declaring one "last thing" ... "Stop weaponizing mental health. Everyone"

This attitude permeates the daily interactions of those brave enough to speak about their mental health problems and effectively silences the rest!
If we don't do the chores or don't go to work we're lazy... If we admit it's because we're struggling, then we're "using" our mental illness to get out of it or to get out of being "told off".
If we cry easily when someone confronts us, we're accused of emotional manipulation.
If we split and snap at someone, we must not explain that it's because our Mental Illness is flaring or because we're fatigued, lest we get accused of trying to make excuses for our behaviour!
If we reveal we feel suicidal in the wake of hurt that we experience, then we're "threatening suicide"
When we're actually just seeking some help, understanding, patience and where possible, forgiveness.

So Ariana, Mental Illness can certainly destroy like a weapon, but it is rarely wielded by the sufferer!

EVERYONE. would do well to remember that!