StressDreams

Last post for context: What do I do…?? | TW mentions of stress dreams and one swear

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I’ve moved out of where I used to live with my mom and one of my older sisters (has 3 kids now) 2 years ago. I think because it’s summer break for my 2 older nephews, I’m now getting a lot more stress dreams related to my mom and my older sister (my mom was the persecutor of emotional abuse, and I never liked my sister since she’s similar and agrees with her often).

I dropped out of high school after sophomore year many years ago because of being constantly overstimulated and high levels of stress and meltdowns I’ve had over there (especially when constantly trying to get the best grades in a very unnecessarily strict school, horrible place for autistic individuals like me!!). After that, I’ve noticed that more stressful dreams came up after that and it was almost everyday that I’ve gotten them at that point. Now, for that theme, it isn’t too much, usually 1to 3 times a week.

Now, I’m getting these stress dreams related to my mom and older sister constantly ever since late June. Before then, it was a mix of dreams of school and mom and sister for 1 to 3 times a week. Even when I’ve had great days, nothing has changed, not even yesterday. If I’m right, these dreams may last until late August when my 2 older nephews go back to school again. I really fucking hope not, I can only carry so much. I really don’t want them to fucking last for that long, I hate getting them and I don’t want to fucking deal with them anymore. I’m sick of it. How the fuck as I supposed to look forward to sleep now?!

I worry that if this continues for longer, I’m going to start feeling suicidal again. I can already feel that happening as I’m already fucking sick of these dreams every fucking day (there had been like 2 or 3 days where I didn’t had them, not consecutively, either). Why do I even have to fucking deal with this? Why did my early life had to be like this?!

#OSTD #OtherSpecifiedTraumaDisorder #Trauma #StressDreams #MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #AutismSpectrum #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Vent #triggerwarning #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #Autistic

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Ever since the middle of last month, I’ve been having stress dreams pretty much everyday. It used to be just around twice a week… why? I hate this so much. I want it to be back to normal. It’s now pissing me off.

Is it just thanks to the crapload of stressors I’ve had? Of course it is, it has to be. The traumatic flashbacks, the interrupted routines, being done with Amazon, the news about Target and (I think) Dollar General (and yes, even though Target did apologize, as a minority I cannot fully trust them anymore until I see loads of genuine improvement moving forward), summer’s existence (I hate summer)…. even when I’m no longer stressed by these things at times, even when days were great, I’m still having stress dreams everyday…

I even had such a great birthday unexpectedly last month. All of this now just seems like a very rude awakening. I wish I’ve never turned another age…. 🙁

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #Autistic #AutismSpectrum #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #OSTD #OtherSpecifiedTraumaDisorder #StressDreams #help #overstimulated #TickedOff #triggerwarning