Stuttering

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    Misunderstood

    Part 3 of 4 okie of the Year in my first Veterinary Distribution position and went on to be a top performer either first or second in the nation every year for 9 years. Finally, an infectious disease physician in Tampa diagnosed me with #LymeDisease and #Babesiosis in 2009. We got to treating as aggressively as possible WHILE I kept working, never imagining I would not get rid of it. I had no safety net, no husband, no opportunity to stop working to treat and not lose everything. I maxed out any contributions to my 401K and saved and saved, put money into retirement knowing Chronic (not regular Lyme) is progressive. Busting my tail with God’s help and blessing through constant pain and sickness, determined not to lose my livelihood, my independence, my future to the disease all the while infusing with antibiotics, having to go to Germany 2 weeks in a hostile, because 15 years ago treating #LymeDisease was illegal, (Lyme treatments were in their infancy in this country) and in the middle of #Stuttering , falling into things, seeing floaters, God gave me the faith to purchase my home, my sanctuary, smartly during the recession, while at a sales meeting in California. All the while I had to pretend I was OK, enduring burning and stabbing in my head that started in 2005, among so many other neurologic issues.

    Having held somewhat of a high profile position because of my dedication and constant activity in the Veterinary Industry, all my body craves and does best with is quiet, peace, no stimulation, and isolation when I need to recover. If I didn’t live through my intense headaches, pains in eyes, face, gums among other symptoms, I wouldn’t live at all but pushing through them every day leaves me exhausted and needing recovery time.

    Finally medical leave after medical leave I voluntarily left my company because I decided my faithful (& BEST) customers deserved a healthy person whose body didn’t keep sending them out of the field on medical leaves. Shockingly, I got denied my disability insurance. After being called a liar by the insurance company and that my Germany treatments where I was ACUTELY ill were falsely described as a vacation, I had to hire a lawyer to win disability for the year. I have files and files of proof and medical records from my serious medical conditions, but add the term #LymeDisease , and it is met with scrutiny because the differentiation between #LymeDisease and Chronic #LymeDisease is not recognized by enough of the world yet. I have dealt with a mountain of #neglect by the medical community and injustice by insurance companies. And all the while having to hide my illness. I would collapse in my car, throw up, be unable to walk out of the blue, stutter, and feel shocks of pain in my head, arm cramps, soreness in ribcage, all while speaking with veterinarians or doing presentations. I had to have surgeries to repair tendons and severely injured my back, neck and knees when I would flare and still do. This started in my TWENTIES, not as I aged. It’s not the same. My heart BREAKS for children afflicted with this nightmare. Against the doctors’ advice and reality, I went back to work and worked four more years in equine health, and equine nutrition. The topmost specialist in Washington DC, Dr. Jemsek, found me to be one of his worst patients and during treatments there I actually had my fourth and final interview for the Equine Nutrition position in the hotel before one of my clinical visits and told my doctor that God wouldn’t bring me this far just to see me fail. My ridiculous optimism served me well until it didn’t. It took me YEARS and YEARS to change my expectations due to the inability to get relief despite all the determination, faith, belief, effort, and WANTING so badly to feel anything resembling “healthy.” I am so glad I did go back to work even though it was not sustainable because I found my true talent, and gift in an area I could use all my veterinary and medical knowledge in as well…Equine Nutrition. During a business lunch with co-workers one day, I told them I push on and make the most of every day because of the hope that I could have a good day. They couldn’t conceive of 90% of days living in a torture chamber. It was so beyond their reality, they thought maybe I was kidding and laughed because I never complained. I don’t blame them. Every time I got established and my executive team and employers told me they didn’t care if I only worked two days a week through my illness, what I produced was great and they would keep me hired, the compan

    Post

    Paranoid and very annoyed

    My trauma is all consuming and confusing I can’t think without overdoing and analyzing every word till Im losing the point of the root of the message and I forget the next steps in the routine trip on my feet stumble stutter and hope you don’t interrupt while I think
    Im not done yet I’m not done yet
    My point is that
    I still haven’t made my point
    I can’t think with all the static in my ears
    And all the stuff in the viewfinder cant fucking focus or zoom in stuck on automatic with no swing in my step or skip in my spring
    Bouncing bouncing
    What do I even hold to be true to me?
    I still haven’t made a point
    Pointless, all of it,
    So it would seem
    Intelligent but still not like it seems
    Intel
    Intel
    Intell me I’m in hell and it feels like you can tell and see
    The sweat forming bead dripping down on my brow
    All these thoughts just shot the fuck out
    12 gauge, buckshot
    Calibre to kill some time
    Just don’t
    Interrupt me
    When I’m
    Fucking
    Looking
    For the point
    Looking for the point
    Sputtering
    Stuttering
    Mostly mostly
    Suffering
    Fucking
    Looking
    For the point
    I’m still talking
    Traffics really unpredictable
    I still haven’t found out if I consider it all livable
    #BipolarDisorder #Mania #Ramble #MightyPoets #BipolarStigma #FlightOfIdeas

    Post

    #Stress induced stuttering

    # I never stuttered before until 2yrs ago when I was first triggered and it brought forth an onslaught of images that horrified me. Now, whenever I'm triggered or under intense stress I stutter. I find it frustrating so then I don't want to talk. Has anybody gone through this??
    #Stuttering

    Post

    Nightmares

    I've recently started to have nightmares again. I've been triggered and I'm going through emotional flashbacks, anxiety and stuttering. Do y'all relate? Any advice on stopping the nightmares??

    Post

    Hi, my name is maya. I’m new to The Mighty. I'm a podcast producer about to launch a new series about the stuttering experience. It's called Proud Stutter. I am excited to be in community with you all!

    #MightyTogether

    Post
    See full photo

    Ì had to ask again.#artheals

    I had a really good day today after ten days of being, well, not well.. We had a pretty aweful Neurologist appointment, then a canceled procedure, then arguments from medical staff. Today, everything flipped. All is back on schedule, New surgeon, new team for september.it is the news I waited all weekend for.
    All I did was ask my husband, How many days? He knew what I meant. It sounded familiar to me.. He calmly, reminded me of how bad of a week it was. He reassured me this week, is going to be different. And yes, it was. I know that.
    I have to ask him, alot, how many good days were in front of me? Not of my life, it's between the next time I start over again.. I do remember this conversation, many times I think?. I need to reread everything for the patterns. Am I going to have one or two, three days maybe? I asked him how many has it been? He doesn't want to answer. I know this has come up before. I can't figure it out yet... I tried counting back again, this time... if I use my phone maybe, on my calender. YES, different emoji expressions for each day. I did three days and already felt my head throb. I realized the pile of papers I had been scribbling onto was my daily symptom log.. I had done really good at writing things down I thought. Now he tells me to not worry, we'll get it. He says it again, we had a rough week. There two piles of papers. Im looking at the calender and its not making sense. There are squares but nothing is registering. He really knew what I meant, so I asked him again. How long was it, this time ago? Ago, how long ago?
    I told him I can find out, he isn't hiding it from me. We laugh. I stormed out of the room, stuttering the wrong word again. Always something other than what my brain means. Standing there laughing at my stammering. He reassures me again, it is different now, a new week, I can't compare or think ahead. I do not do anything now. I knew it had been discussed. Discussed before, alot. How many days in between each time? I have a busy week ahead if me. Im having lunch with three women I admire on Tueday, at my beloved lunch spot. We haven't brunched in 5 years. Coffee with an Angel on Wednesday. Early Birthday with my son on Thursday. Friday pre-screening for covid and an incredible family get together on Saturday. Bithday on Sunday, EEG on Monday sleep Tuesday and Angiogram on Wednesday. I didnt realized how many times I've asked him. What day, how many, did I ask, what day, how many, how many since, how many days do I have? He knows exactly what I mean, how long, whats next. What has passed and how many good days till the next. I appreciate how he didn't answer this time, he knew I'd get upset again. He knew what to say. I know now, it was a long week. It was a bad week. I really want three good days before it starts again.. Im pretty sure I had three last time. I'll ask if I remember.