TryTryTryAgain

Psychotherapist was here outside. She is a very compassionate woman, with her own challenges and pains, I feel them. During the session I remember feeling very confused and overwhelmed, distracted. Outside of myself. Bright lights. Other voices in the forest.
Two things are still with me that she said. The wording isn't exact, but basically the idea that I'm not trying and to stop saying try or but. She said that I'm DOING.
She said I need to reprogram.
I have been reprogramming all my life navigate challenges that come up. I am not new to this.
I feel sad to dismiss trying.
If I don't TRY, I won't DO.
I am aware, open to energies, affirmations, optimism AND I am a realist.
Deception is not a tactic I've used to reprogram. I have healed through many challenges. There is a reason this one is bigger. It will come.
Optimistic affirmation/ positive thinking vs. dismissive reprogramming.
I teach my children that trying or acknowledging trying is good. Knowing that I can try helps me stay here. Alive. Trying is GOOD.
Trying. Each day to push myself, challenge myself, heal. The more I try what I could not do yesterday and succeed, the more empowered I feel. Each day I try a bit more. Many times, I have to stop. Physical or mental distress, both. I try again.
Task not completed, but started. I did something, because I TRIED.
I know ME. This works for me.
I think at one point she held a pen up told me to try and take it. I could be wrong. I question what is real but I felt annoyed. I thought that was unkind. If I wanted the pen and she wanted her example (DOING) to work, she would hold it lightly or let me take it. I would just take it, in a good moment, with coordination and strength.
In a moment of less coordination and strength, her example would fail intention.
In good moments I DO. In challenging moments, I TRY. Sometimes = DO.
I won't dismiss triumphs that come from trying.
The other thing I remember is feeling reprimanded for seeing spirit. Swiftly reprimanded.
Something to the effect of it being rude without permission.
I felt insulted, confused, without words coming together then to explain the chaos in my own head trying to understand this and the emotion said in.
I try many things in my healing day to day.
Seeing auras, spirit, feeling presences, hearing, smelling and sensing spirit is not something I TRY. Catches me off guard.
I have resisted it all my life. Evenso it has happened more, got stronger, after each accident.
A per on I knew once quoted often "what you resist persists". Maybe that's why.
I've did not realize I could stop these encounters. Funny because when spirit has upset my daughter I've told her she can tell them to go away.
I hadn't given myself that out. I have since she was born thought my daughter to be powerful. More than me. More than me. That changes today. "I am strong." #TraumaticBrainInjury #spirit #TryTryTryAgain #BrainInjury #empath #feelingcrazy #do #Empowerment #CarAccident

(Please no judgmental comments)
I’m an alcoholic/drug addict with a plethora of knowledge, years of rehabs, a head full of 12-step programs and the inability to shut my ego down long enough to get longer than 4 months of 100% abstinent sobriety. I love interesting people, but I hate people. I have such a difficult time making friends and connecting with MOST people. I prefer to be alone or have a very small circle of friends - whom I still suck at maintaining relationships with. I’m the queen of self-sabotage, and I’m so so tired of the lifestyle. I do know in early recovery it’s ALL about the process, and it’s ALL about exiting my comfort zone. Ego breeds in comfort. And it’s so hard not to go back into that space as it’s so, so warm and cozy. I know all the answers, it’s as if I just don’t care enough to maintain consistent discipline to fight. The only thing that keeps me going is hope and prayer. I don’t know who or what “god” is, but I know I wouldn’t be alive if not for a power greater than myself. Prayer works. Sometimes it’s as simple as being willing to pray. I guess I need to start praying for willingness to have willingness. I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to live with the spiritual malady that breeds my addiction. The latter requires an internal process that seems so daunting that I’d just rather fucking not. But I’ve either got to go in to get out or keep living in my own delusional reality while wearing a mask for the world to see. Fucking tiring. I’ve got to get out of my own way!!!!!! If it were only so easy. Sigh. Simple? Yes. Easy? That’s a hard no. #DrugsAreBadMmkay ?
#RecoveryIsPossible
#TryTryTryAgain