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Goodbyes and worries

I’ve been saying goodbyes. To the people I’ve worked for for 5 years, my ex’s parents (or so I had thought), and in a few days my colleagues. And next week, my home town (though I have already moved in, I am having to finish work up in my home town first).

I gave up the one-sided efforts with my ex. I finalised them on Monday, when I went to deliver him a letter. It explained that I couldn’t be his friend, with the reasons being things that were down to him. Because I couldn’t blame myself for any of it, and I explained the ways I tried to in the letter.

Unfortunately, or fortunately (depending on the way you view it), my faith and my personality make me a very forgiving person. Add in the fact I’m supposed to be living with him, I was never exactly able to cut him off.

I had a message from E (my ex) after I left, which was more of an apology than the “sorry” I got in person. And he said he would do whatever it takes to make up for the wrong he did and the hurt he caused. I acted cold but he was insistent. So the next day I messaged him extending an olive branch, but I warned him that if things didn’t change that it was going to go back to what led to the letter. But so far, things are no different and I’m the only one bothering. I know it’s not fair of me to say that given it’s only been a few days, but from dating him I know him. I don’t believe things will change. But I’m giving him the opportunity all the same.

In other news, I’ve had other stuff going on.

I lost another 5 pounds. I’m back to the same weight I was 4 years ago, and it takes the total weight loss to 10 pounds in less than a month. It’s a lot to weight to lose to illness and depression (10% of my body weight). I’m hoping it is just that, but I guess I will find out when I have my blood test in a few weeks.

I haven’t heard back from ENT since I had my hearing test, so I called them today. Apparently they hadn’t passed on the results to the doctor that saw me, and it took me calling them for them to do that. So I have some extra waiting time now because of that, and also worry because I have been in this situation before and they’ve discharged me. Surely they shouldn’t this time with hearing loss though?

I’ve also been feeling really burnt out as of late. It feels like all I do is work, eat, sleep. I’ve just got to get through this week and things should be easier though, but then also busier so I can’t really win either way.

Anyway, here’s to hoping things will settle down soon. And I wish the same for anyone else who feels like they just have everything going on.

#Depression #MentalHealth #illness #WeightLoss #Ex #ent #HearingLoss #underweight #goodbye #moving #Forgiveness #Burnout #burntout #breakup


underweight and uncomfortable

I've been struggling with food alot. my appetite is non-existent most of the time. or I'll be hungry until I start eating, I'll take a few bites and feel sick. or I'll use all my energy trying to cook and then can't eat what I've made. or I just can't stomach the smell of food or nothing sounds good to me. I'm weighing 104 pounds, when I saw that number on the scale I felt like I was disgusting. I feel like skin and bones, I felt like I'm wasting away to nothing.
this also affects me going anywhere or trying to get a job, none of my clothes fit, and all my jeans just sag off of me. which doesn't help my low confidence.
I fear my boyfriend will start wanting someone who can eat and cook without issues and someone who has curves, instead of a stick🤦 I fear my family and friends think I'm on drugs (never been on hard street drugs). if I was I would probably gain weight. back when I took medicine to help my anxiety I weighed my most, 130- 140pounds. (I stopped taking it because I lost control of myself, and tried to numb my depression with it and that was a horrible mistake)
I fear something medically is wrong with me and its so hard to get a doctor to hear me out. I feel like they think I'm crazy, but really I'm in constant fear something is wrong with me.
I also feel like people don't understand I hate being so skinny, it's always the first thing people notice and comment on.
I hate when people tell me to eat, if it was that easy I wouldn't be like this.
🤦 #underweight #LosingMyself #Depression
I just want to feel comfortable with my body again

1 comment

Fear with intense sadness

This photo was taken recently walking my dog Unable to secure any help for #Anorexia (UK) having lived with an #EatingDisorder #ComplexPTSD #DID #DissociativeDisorder 36 out of my 48 years alive This is despite proactive attempts now with help of advocate await urgent referral to gastroenterology It has been 3 weeks so far waiting for I pray a date I need to be listened to as there is a good rationale behind what I am asking for ( #nasogastricrefeeding in the community I agree to hospitalised initially for this to be fitted etc I know this is possible as I have had before unsuccessfully But now I am in a different place with a private counsellor I see x2 week for trauma work I am adamant being re-fed has to work alongside this So essential work can be done while regaining weight etc 7 months fighting for this to be put in place meanwhile grow increasingly #malnourished #underweight and at risk Does no one care No one has ever really cared about me in the way I yearn for ( i . e the attachment one makes with caregivers - mother & father - did not happen I work hard against the ingrained belief of my unworthiness an ingrained self belief I want to recover an existence I've never had - one where I can relate with myself and food in a healthier way So that I may have a chance of reaching my potential in whatever I do e . g I champion for mental health awareness fundraise have trained my rescue dog to become my assistance dog for mental health Does no one care Thank you if this has been read to this point for I have rambled on and contribute little to this incredible marvellous #TheMighty and #TheMightyCommunity that use it around the world I wonder how many there are who follow #TheMighty in the UK I have realised I do not know how to add a photo I wonder if #tinypic works in this http : //tinypic . com/r/2nltxtv/9