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Journal writing #LosingMyself

It's like your master as soon you use it!! I got hook because I was told the only way to use it is by shooting up!! Yup, I was the stupid one to believe that (only to find out the difference ways in a few weeks after starting it ) I have been struggling with using this drugs and it was on and off for the first few months then I was into this heavy for the next few years !! In and out of detox then here I go again I would be going through something or someone that I use would get back on it !
It's control my life in Less than a year !! My life was out of control and prevention me to have a clear mind in a lot of of stuff !! It would take me to wrong place with the wrong group and unsafe place too
It's was like my life around that drug I had to be one step ahead were the next fix is were to go use it !! (Page 1)
I could say 100 that I wish I never got into this shit but me being stubborn I had to put up fight just for her to give in !! She warned me that she did not want to do this !! That it will literally destroy my life and control everything !! I did not listen to her warnings and just like that it got me into the trap and fuck yea it's hell on wheels to get off this shit!!
Let me say this Never ever shoot up if it's your first time there are more options to use this drug!! Cause if you do shoot up for the first you will get hook !!
I got into this drug from the start just because my dumd ass shoot up first time!! I have been tried to get off since 2015 !!
I have done my own research about this drugs how it's made the damage it's does to our body I have also learned it's hard to get off if we use the needles from day one and that it's just a snap of a finger that you could get hook and lose everything in front of you !!
Yes I got myself into that drug from the start I was hook on the high since day one ! It turn my life into a living nightmare,it was a maze of being ok then not !! It's slowly got to me in a negative way I started to hear see things that no one else saw !! I would go days without eating and at times with drinking very little it's was to that point I had to force myself to eat and drink It got were I was fighting with the devil itself ! It's made have outburst when withdrawing the angry too !!!
I was going through the worst grieving back in 2015 and the drug that I was using didn't do the trick !! So I fell into this drug :( I lost my ride or die my bff my little sis will she basically was one to murderer !!
This all I want to share with you and my caseworker my journals before I lost myself even more


Losing my mind…so I am starting YouTube videos….makes sense, right?? #BipolarDepression #LosingMyself

So…if you want to check out my ridiculous unedited ramblings about living with bipolar…here’s the link to my very first YouTube video 😆😵‍💫😬



Im slowly losing myself. I cant love anymore I can't feel. All I feel is hurt with a heavy weight on my chest and a voice that follows me around everyday all day reminding me im not good enough , reminding me of my mistakes. I shut myself out from the ones I care the most damaging my relationship but I just cant do it.😪 #LosingMyself #Depression #Anxiety


Refinding the lost self

My relationship has been strained for the last year. I have severe anxiety, depression, and OCD. This year has exacerbated all of it. My boyfriend (of 6 years) has tried to be supportive. He's tried kindness, tough love, even anger to try to snap me out of it. Today, he told me he doesn't recognize me anymore. He reminded me how I used to be so full of life, fearless. He says now I do three things: work, sleep, and slump in a chair playing on my phone. He isn't wrong. I know I'm mired under a pile of intrusive thoughts and feelings, but I don't know how to get myself out. I'm on antidepressants. I was in therapy until about a month ago when my therapist went off the deep end in a curse word filled tirade about liberals and trump (during my session). I'm looking for a new therapist, but it's difficult to find one. I just don't know what to do. I want more than anything to go back to that carefree, fearless girl I once was, but I don't know how to even begin. Any advice? Anything that's worked for you? I'm desperate. I'm scared of losing the love of my life just like I've lost myself. #Anxiety #Depression #lostself #LosingMyself #buriedunderthoughts #fearful

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Does it get easier, or do you get used to it 😫

Since my last post almost a month ago to date it hasn’t gotten any easier on me. I have made many mistakes. Learned from every single one ☝️ Put my heart ❤️ out there multiple times to always or almost always resulted in a breakup or having me being ghosted and blocked without any explanation whatsoever. When this happened me being a sensitive person I always took it to heart especially for what they all said to me @ the time. I made to believe all of it was true. Dating in this day and age seems nearly impossible, people don’t always seem to stick around anymore. Just when I think things are going perfect the outcomes usually the worst. I’ve lost who I am as a person, everyone says that I should just stay single and to work on bettering myself and to make myself happy for ME and only ME. But, as much as I agree 💯 with my wonderful support system it just sucks being alone. I tend to notice myself getting jealous of seeing people in happy, healthy relationships. I know that’s not healthy. The jealousy...but that’s what I want. To be with someone who wants to be with me and for one who’s going to stick around, who’s going to mean every word they say, and when they say it I actually believe it truly, to not be lead on & to not get my feelings hurt. Reading what I just wrote now doesn’t seem to be a reality, well as of right now @ least.

But with that being said I do need to work on myself. I swear ever since COVID-19 happened I haven’t been the same, and I’m pretty sure the other people who read my post would/will agree. I am still without a job, like most people I’m sure, but I’m headed in the right direction. I’ve been applying for a whole ton of jobs. Recently had a job interview. Just going to stay hopeful and positive that things will workout for me and for the rest of us who are struggling everyday! ❤️✨ #Breakups #heartbreak #COVID19 #Depression #LosingMyself #dailybattle #pleasegetbetter


Losing myself #LosingMyself

Everyday gets crazier and crazier. I am so lost. I can feel myself fading away to the point I just want to be in bed 24/7. Or just to vanish. I feel nothing and everything all at once. I suffer with chronic pain from many sources and so many other things. Mental illness was never a problem until the last two years and I can feel myself falling into the well deeper everyday. I can not take antidepressants. They literally make me want to kill people or myself. Chemical issue. I’m backwards. So what can I do. Drs say I’m fine but I know I am not. I don’t abuse drugs. I don’t drink. I’m tempted to but it makes me feel absolutely horrible. I’m a full time caregiver to my mom. But I don’t want to be but there is no one else. I’m it. I can’t talk to anyone because the don’t get it at all. I get sorrys and it will be ok. NO IT WONT. Sorry. I write it all down then get mad because I shouldn’t have these feelings. I just want to vanish. (Not suicidal). I just want to lay down and vanish. Fade softly into oblivion and be gone. Does that make any sense? #help #MentalHealth #alldone


Losing My Mind

For some unexplained reason, I felt this wave of sadness and was on the verge of tears. At this point, I honestly feel like I’m losing it. I’ve had a couple of good days, then I go back to feeling awful again. Going from being physically exhausted to questioning why I’m still here. I don’t really like myself today, but the good news is I’m in the process of getting an appointment with a doctor later on this week. #Depression #MentalHealth #Sadness #moodchange #FeelingEmpty #Feelingsad #LosingMyself


underweight and uncomfortable

I've been struggling with food alot. my appetite is non-existent most of the time. or I'll be hungry until I start eating, I'll take a few bites and feel sick. or I'll use all my energy trying to cook and then can't eat what I've made. or I just can't stomach the smell of food or nothing sounds good to me. I'm weighing 104 pounds, when I saw that number on the scale I felt like I was disgusting. I feel like skin and bones, I felt like I'm wasting away to nothing.
this also affects me going anywhere or trying to get a job, none of my clothes fit, and all my jeans just sag off of me. which doesn't help my low confidence.
I fear my boyfriend will start wanting someone who can eat and cook without issues and someone who has curves, instead of a stick🤦 I fear my family and friends think I'm on drugs (never been on hard street drugs). if I was I would probably gain weight. back when I took medicine to help my anxiety I weighed my most, 130- 140pounds. (I stopped taking it because I lost control of myself, and tried to numb my depression with it and that was a horrible mistake)
I fear something medically is wrong with me and its so hard to get a doctor to hear me out. I feel like they think I'm crazy, but really I'm in constant fear something is wrong with me.
I also feel like people don't understand I hate being so skinny, it's always the first thing people notice and comment on.
I hate when people tell me to eat, if it was that easy I wouldn't be like this.
🤦 #underweight #LosingMyself #Depression
I just want to feel comfortable with my body again

1 comment

There shouldn't be waitlists for #Therapy !!

I just found out I'll have to wait 3 more months before I can start therapy.
I can't wait that long! I know I'm not the only one who needs help and I'm not saying I'm worse off than anyone else on waitlists but fuck do I need help...

There shouldn't be waitlists for people seeking help. It takes a lot of courage to ask for help and when we do, we're left alone, trying to survive without anyone's help. How are we supposed to do that?? How am I supposed to do that?? I feel lost..

#MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #MentalIllness #LosingMyself #losinghope #SufferinginSilence #lost #Therapy #SuicidalThoughts


I can’t tell if I’m the crazy one?

I was diagnosed with anxiety from a very young age. I dealt well with it most of the time & never wanted to be medicated, so I avoided it at all costs. I’m in intense classes right now which only makes it worse, but I think I need to end my relationship. I love my boyfriend, but it’s been toxic for 7 months now and what hurts is that I KNOW this and have still chosen to stay. I’ve worked so hard to help him become a better man, that I feel like walking away is almost the equivalent to giving up. I don’t want to give up, but it’s beginning to take a huge toll on me. I’m exhausted and feel useless and unlovable at this point. I just no longer know what to do. My friends have never experienced a toxic relationship for themselves, so their advice usually just consists of “you can do better” and “just leave”. I feel like I’m losing my mind. Any words of wisdom would be really appreciated. #Toxic #Relationships #LosingMyself