#Chro

I was so self-assured. I knew what I wanted. I knew how life would turn out. I knew where I was going. I knew how I would get there. I was sure that the world was my oyster and all I had to do was pluck out the pearl. I was confident, strong, mighty, even a little arrogant.

Those were the days of youth and youthful arrogance and confidence. Life was good! Or so it seemed. But that picture never came into view, not even close!

Even then there were signs that all was not well, that life was not headed in the direction I thought it was. There were hints deep inside ... the fatigue, the constant sinus and bronchitis infections, the gastrointestinal problems, my lack of focus, the increasing brain fog, and the recurring periods of battling through it all. Still, I was confident that all would work out in the end.

Then the diagnoses came. Now it was real. There was no "fixing" me. All I could do was manage being ill. I could not ignore it or deny it any longer though I tried mightily for years. Now I more readily admit I am ill, but still only to a guarded group of trusted family, friends, co-workers, and acquaintances.

I do not even know who I am anymore. What happened? How did I lose myself along the way? How did I end up in this foreign, nasty world of chronic illness?

So, after searching for myself, I ask, "How do I find myself again, how do I reconcile with myself again, and how do I love myself again?"

#ChronicIllness #CheckInWithMe #Depression #RareDisease ##Chro nicFatigue #ChronicPain

Don't you hate it when your psychologist goes on vacation? I mean who does he think he is? Yes logically I understand he works hard and god knows I wouldn't want to listen to someone like me all day but really? He'll be gone for five weeks. I act nice. He did give me his number in case I truly needed him. I appreciate he needs time to be with his family, but inside I'm crumbling. Inside I'm scared and devastated. It's only now that I realize how dependent I've become to our weekly visits. I'm going to try to be strong and not call him. Also try not to lean on my husband so much. Maybe his vacation will be a good thing for me. Doubtful.

#Schizophrenia ##cFatigueSyndrome ##Chro ##ChronicDepression ##Anxiety ###Chro ##ChronicIllness ###Disability ###DistractMe