anhedonia

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How can I leave my family, or find a “purpose”?

I’m sorry in advance if this post is triggering, or otherwise not allowed.

Let me cut to the point: I believe that I no longer serve a role or a purpose in the daily life I am living. My husband and teenage children have no real use/need for me anymore. They just avoid me, until they want or need something that I can provide. I cannot manage to make/sustain connections with others (immediate or extended family, friends/acquaintances; old or new), and am exceedingly lonely. (I cry every day - which is probably good, since it proves to me that I can feel.) Even the cat, who used to favor my company, has completely gone off me. I am very unfulfilled in my life, and I really don’t see the point in living anymore.

I’ve finally weaned off my antidepressant (psychiatrist knows this and has prescribed a different SSRI which I have not yet started), which did absolutely nothing for me except to “blunt” me. I spent YEARS feeling nothing and watching life go on around me, as if watching a movie. Now I can feel- and it’s anger and resentment for lost and wasted time; for the rejection I feel, among many, many other things. I do have a therapist-good as far as therapists go - who tells me I need to do self-care. I reminded them that I can’t even bring myself to bathe, let alone go on a mini-vacation, spa, retreat etc. That’s a big issue for me as well - I see that I’m deserving of attention as long as I’m paying someone for it.

Intellectually, I know how to begin the “leaving” process…as I’ve told my husband, if I knew where to go, I’d already be long gone. (The dynamics of our relationship are a big part of the problem - though I refuse to blame him or anyone else for what I am going through.) Problem is, I don’t know how or where to go, or if I even want to start all over. I do know that I cannot continue life the way it is and has been for a long time. I almost wish to die in my sleep - that’s all I do anymore is sleep, as I have no energy for anything else- so that I don’t have to make decisions and live in pain anymore.

If you have insights/perspectives to share, I’d appreciate them. But really, I needed to drop this “bomb” somewhere…I have no outlet otherwise. Thank you for reading.

#DebilitatingDepression #si #Isolation #anhedonia

13 reactions 6 comments
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I can feel again. It’s not good, but at least I know I’m still alive…

#Depression #anhedonia I’m finally weaned off my antidepressant (The goal is/was to go onto another medication). But now I can actually FEEL. And I am so very angry, incredibly sad, grieving, all over the place. Maybe now healing can begin.

(edited)
18 reactions 8 comments
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Undergoing and Overthinking

On Saturdays I can feel the anxiety start to slowly creep up on me. I try to ignore that feeling. I then always try to entertain myself or do something special like going to eat in a restaurant. It feels like running away from my anxiety.

Once I am back home and it‘s night time it feels like a switch has been turned. It starts to feel like I am wrapped in a blanket of anxiety. Sundays probably are the worst days for me.

It is a pain to get out of bed. Why would I want to get out in the first place? I am most likely going to spend the rest of the day there anyways. My bed feels like a trench. But what should I do? What is the point in all this? I feel like I can not feel anything. I am looking at the clock. I am mad about myself for not doing anything on this Sunday where I have free time.

I am mad about how time is passing. I count every hour that passes. Yet I somehow still want that day to be over as fast as possible. „Oh! Another hour has passed, well it is too late to start doing anything now. What a shame!“ I think to myself. But what would I want to do? I honestly do not know.

I feel like I am rotting. I feel like I am just waiting. I also want to feel happy. Oh where is that feeling. I honestly can just hope that things will get better and that I just have to keep fighting on the dark side. Is it all my fault? Am I responsible for how I am feeling?

I stuff myself with unhealthy food. I can somehow feel something. Exhaustion is the title for everyday. I sleep but I do not feel like I slept.

I am overthinking so much about the people I like. I think, suppose and assume so much about the people I like. But is it even worth thinking so much about them? Do they even like me?

I feel exhausted. #Depression #Anxiety #overthinking #anhedonia

13 reactions 3 comments
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Progress, not perfection #ACA #ChildAbuse #Jewish #Zen #Anxiety #AspergersSyndrome #MajorDepression #anhedonia

I have worked very hard on myself to make myself functional again. I'm now able to sustain a couple long-term friendships, and even interact with others occasionally. However, things like silence, vague answers, and people leaving (anywhere) suddenly, still throw me in a tailspin. The same with gaslighting, manipulation, and twisting my words. I don't know how to react better to these situations, so I try to separate my part from their part on whether it's my fault or not. Then I remind myself of how far I've come and what I've accomplished. Progress, not perfection.

16 reactions 2 comments
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Apathy

Things are okay other than this crippling anhediona. I can’t seem to engage in anything in a meaningful way. I read a book for 15 minutes and abandon it out of boredom. It sucks when your depressed and you reach a point where you physically cannot sleep anymore then you have to actually do something to pass the time. Doing anything is a chore and seems meaningless when you’re depressed and apathetic. Hoping I snap out of this because it sucks to have lost my lust for life. #apathy #Bipolar1Disorder #BipolarDepression #anhedonia

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What is Anhedonia?

What is Anhedonia? Anhedonia is the inability to feel pleasure. A kind of numbness to things that used to bring you joy. It's a common symptom of depression, but it can also accompany trauma. For me, it tends to happen when I've hit a state of overwhelm associated with being triggered that I start to dissociate. I just get to a point where I don't have the capacity to deal with or focus on anything, even if it's something I typically enjoy.

Lately I've been feeling that way and it's something I'm trying to reel in.

When Mental Illness Causes You to Experience Anhedonia

Do you experience Anhedonia? If so, how do you combat it?

#Trauma #feelings #PTSD #CPTSD #anhedonia #numb

When Mental Illness Causes You to Experience Anhedonia

"Anhedonia: the inability to feel."
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Anhedonia

The one depressive symptom that always drives me nuts. When my depression progresses to a certain point I completely lose all stimulation. Nothing interests me anymore when I get like this. All things that I use to create healthy distractions to keep me out of my head no longer do so. It is like you have been thrown into a small room with nothing. No windows, nothing to look at. Just plain gray walls and silence. It becomes maddening after awhile. You become a prisoner in your own mind. You can’t see the shackles but you can feel them. #anhedonia #Depression #ChronicDepression

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Nowhere to go from here

My wife just blew up at me. We need to communicate better, she said. She has a habit of telling me what negative thoughts I am thinking and feeling, and then adding, "well am I wrong?" to it. This is years in the making. Essentially, it happens when she asks me a question or tells me about something, and my tone of voice sounds negative to her, or my face or body language looks negative.

I have chronic pain as well as deep depression, so it is difficult for me to convincingly put on a happy face, or speak with joy in my voice. But I do try my best to speak in neutral tones at the very least, and I have thought that I have a resting face of a neutral mood or higher as much as possible.

It has been building for a long time. I am struck out of the blue most times when she tells me what I am thinking, and how unfair that is, and paints me as the bad guy and her as the innocent one. In the early days, it would just shock me, and sometimes confuse me. In the last couple of years, it just makes me angry and defensive. We've had plenty of arguments about it, but no agreement. She doesn't see it as mind reading because she says "I 'feel like' you were disgusted by what I just said, and you shouldn't be", or "I 'feel' that you think I'm stupid just because I did X, or Y". She says since she uses the word "feel", she isn't mind reading, and so it's up to me to tell her if she's right or wrong. Well, I have been telling her she's wrong for over 40 years now, and that only makes her angry and defensive. I told her time and again that I get mad when people try to read my mind and put words into my mouth. I tell her to skip saying the part about what she is so sure that I am thinking, and just ASK ME what I am thinking, instead. Ninety percent of the time, I am not only NOT thinking what she thinks I am, but I am thinking about some other subject altogether. Then when she accuses me of thinking some negative thing, it hits me out of the blue, and I register it as an insult. I asked her why she can't just ASK me what I am thinking, or ask me how I am feeling. I would welcome both of those if they were honest questions. I would feel like I was cared about. That makes perfect sense to me, but she doesn't see it that way. She says that she's just being honest, and that she IS asking me how I feel, or what I am thinking, when she tells me what she feels like I am thinking. We can't get past that. So she got louder and more accusatory, and then angrily walked out.

I don't know what to do. I am battling Major Depressive Disorder, CPTSD, Anxiety, ADHD and severe Chronic Pain. I am doing the very best that I can. I am on disability, and I fill my days and evenings reading books on my various diagnoses, learning as much as I can, so that I can better control, or adapt, or adjust to the reality of my life, and I do feel good about that. I have tried to share some of this with her, both verbally, and by sharing articles with her via email. She seems stand-offish about it, at best. When I ask her outright if she wants to learn more, she swears she does, but she has a life, therefore she just doesn't have the time or energy to read much about it. I told her a few minutes ago that I will stop burdening her with it, and will stop sending her articles and such. She rebuffed that idea, but added again that she just doesn't have the time. She said she is doing the best that she can in trying to deal with all my problems, and she doesn't have the energy or the will to do it any more. She's "had it."

She came back and brought up another time recently that I was unreasonable, saying that she had told me something about her job, and I had reacted with sarcasm and disgust. I remember it well. It was just the opposite. She told me that her employer was giving $50 bonuses to anyone who got a Covid booster shot, and I responded "wow, that must be nice. Go ahead and do that." She and I both agree that that's all that I said. But she says I was being sarcastic, and spit the words out like venom, and I thought it was disgusting. I remember calmly saying those words, genuinely happy for her to get $50 just for getting a shot that we both were going to get anyway. The difference, more than likely, was the fact that during the time that she was unwinding after work and telling me bonus, as well as about the rest of her day, I was in a pit of depression, and I was in a ton of physical pain from my legs and my back. I know that had to have affected the tone of my voice, the look on my face, and my body language. But I don't talk about the pain, because it would sound whiney and redundant. I was just sitting there listening to her, and I thought I answered appropriately and honestly. Anyway, that night, after I had answered her, she responded by telling me what (she believed) I was thinking and feeling, and she wanted to know what my response was. My response was "that's not an argument I am willing to have right now." To me, I was angry that "it" was happening again, and I could argue about it like so many times before, or I could choose not to. I chose not to argue. To her, I had just insulted her, and said she isn't worth arguing with, and since I had not argued, then what she had thought about me must indeed be true.

If (and when) she "reads my mind" again, and assigns various negative thoughts and feelings to me, we could bypass all of this trouble if she could just hold those 'mind-read thoughts' inside, and just ask me two simple questions, instead. First, "how are you feeling?" And second, "what are you tinking." I will gladly and honestly answer her. But I just can't take any more veritable accusations for thinking and feeling certain ways, and then be expected to explain or defend myself, meanwhile letting it roll off me like water off of a duck's back. It's not an argument I'm having anymore.

Thanks for listening.
♧♧♧

#MajorDepressiveDisorder #Bipolar2Disorder #CPTSD #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Anxiety #ADHD #Autism #BodyFocusedRepetitiveBehaviors #PathologicalDemandAvoidanceSyndrome #AutismSpectrumDisorders #TreatmentresistantDepression #TRD #ASD #anhedonia #ChronicDepression #ChronicPain #SpinalStenosis #GAD #Sadness #CombinedPresentationADHD #SmilingDepression #SocialAnxietyDisorder #Disability #MentalHealth #Insomnia #DiabetesType2 #Diabetes #Asthma #Hypertension #Hypervigilance #nerveandjointpain #HearingLoss #Grief #generationaltrauma #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #TraumaRecovery #Trauma #ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors #MedicalTrauma #IntergenerationalTrauma #Trauma #SexualTrauma #traumasurvivor #Survivor #EmotionalAbuse #ChiildhoodSexualAbuse #ChildhoodEmotionalAbuse #PsychologicalAbuse #PTSD #AdverseChildhoodExperiences #ChildhoodAbuse #ReactiveAttachmentDisorder #RAD #attachment #Childhoodneglect #attachmentdisorder #ChildAbuseandNeglect #FearOfAbandonment #abandonment #Suicide #SuicideLossSurvivors #SuicidalThoughts #SuicidalIdeation #PassiveSuicidalIdeation #suicidal #Depression #MajorDepression

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Losing the will to live

It all started this summer I was feeling a bit off and run down. This was my first year of college and I’m also a runner so I was putting In 40-45 miles a week. I also noticed that I was having weird reactions to coffee. I felt weird sorta like panicky but I ignored it thinking it was in my head. Then one day in August after a ten mile run it was hot too I think I had too much caffeine I felt like I had a panic attack I didn’t feel right couldn’t focus on anything. Weeks after it felt like all the adrenaline was being sucked out of me I would feel panicky and the world around me became less and less real. My mental clarity was absolutely gone. I told my coaches something was wrong unfortunately collge coaches don’t listen well so I had to keep running for a bit. I eventually was able to get my parents to call my coaches to make them stop running me and in October I was diagnosed with mono and came down with the sore throat then. Ever since the time in August I’m left in this dissociated/ derealization state. Feels like I’m in a dream. Nothing interests me and I have extreme mental fatigue and I can’t emotionally connect with anyone anymore. I also can’t go to school anymore cause I’m just so tired. Honestly back at school I felt like I was dying. Has anyone dealt with mono like this before? I’m scared I’m never going to get better. I don’t even remember what normal feels like. Could something else be wrong or is this all stress related and because I overdid it possibly? I’m also going to see a neurologist to rule out anything there. Wondering if my brain could possibly be inflamed because I can’t imagine anyone ever feeling so bad. Thinking maybe it passed my blood brain barrier. I feel like I’m going crazy and I haven’t heard mono affecting anyone like this. I want my old life back 😞 #BrainFog #ChronicFatigue #Derealization #Fatigue #MentalHealth #Anxiety #DissociationDisorders #anhedonia #apathy

4 comments