anhedonia

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    Apathy

    Things are okay other than this crippling anhediona. I can’t seem to engage in anything in a meaningful way. I read a book for 15 minutes and abandon it out of boredom. It sucks when your depressed and you reach a point where you physically cannot sleep anymore then you have to actually do something to pass the time. Doing anything is a chore and seems meaningless when you’re depressed and apathetic. Hoping I snap out of this because it sucks to have lost my lust for life. #apathy #Bipolar1Disorder #BipolarDepression #anhedonia

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    What is Anhedonia?

    What is Anhedonia? Anhedonia is the inability to feel pleasure. A kind of numbness to things that used to bring you joy. It's a common symptom of depression, but it can also accompany trauma. For me, it tends to happen when I've hit a state of overwhelm associated with being triggered that I start to dissociate. I just get to a point where I don't have the capacity to deal with or focus on anything, even if it's something I typically enjoy.

    Lately I've been feeling that way and it's something I'm trying to reel in.

    themighty.com/topic/bipolar-disorder/mental-illness-anhedoni...

    Do you experience Anhedonia? If so, how do you combat it?

    #Trauma #feelings #PTSD #CPTSD #anhedonia #numb

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    Anhedonia

    The one depressive symptom that always drives me nuts. When my depression progresses to a certain point I completely lose all stimulation. Nothing interests me anymore when I get like this. All things that I use to create healthy distractions to keep me out of my head no longer do so. It is like you have been thrown into a small room with nothing. No windows, nothing to look at. Just plain gray walls and silence. It becomes maddening after awhile. You become a prisoner in your own mind. You can’t see the shackles but you can feel them. #anhedonia #Depression #ChronicDepression

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    Nowhere to go from here

    My wife just blew up at me. We need to communicate better, she said. She has a habit of telling me what negative thoughts I am thinking and feeling, and then adding, "well am I wrong?" to it. This is years in the making. Essentially, it happens when she asks me a question or tells me about something, and my tone of voice sounds negative to her, or my face or body language looks negative.

    I have chronic pain as well as deep depression, so it is difficult for me to convincingly put on a happy face, or speak with joy in my voice. But I do try my best to speak in neutral tones at the very least, and I have thought that I have a resting face of a neutral mood or higher as much as possible.

    It has been building for a long time. I am struck out of the blue most times when she tells me what I am thinking, and how unfair that is, and paints me as the bad guy and her as the innocent one. In the early days, it would just shock me, and sometimes confuse me. In the last couple of years, it just makes me angry and defensive. We've had plenty of arguments about it, but no agreement. She doesn't see it as mind reading because she says "I 'feel like' you were disgusted by what I just said, and you shouldn't be", or "I 'feel' that you think I'm stupid just because I did X, or Y". She says since she uses the word "feel", she isn't mind reading, and so it's up to me to tell her if she's right or wrong. Well, I have been telling her she's wrong for over 40 years now, and that only makes her angry and defensive. I told her time and again that I get mad when people try to read my mind and put words into my mouth. I tell her to skip saying the part about what she is so sure that I am thinking, and just ASK ME what I am thinking, instead. Ninety percent of the time, I am not only NOT thinking what she thinks I am, but I am thinking about some other subject altogether. Then when she accuses me of thinking some negative thing, it hits me out of the blue, and I register it as an insult. I asked her why she can't just ASK me what I am thinking, or ask me how I am feeling. I would welcome both of those if they were honest questions. I would feel like I was cared about. That makes perfect sense to me, but she doesn't see it that way. She says that she's just being honest, and that she IS asking me how I feel, or what I am thinking, when she tells me what she feels like I am thinking. We can't get past that. So she got louder and more accusatory, and then angrily walked out.

    I don't know what to do. I am battling Major Depressive Disorder, CPTSD, Anxiety, ADHD and severe Chronic Pain. I am doing the very best that I can. I am on disability, and I fill my days and evenings reading books on my various diagnoses, learning as much as I can, so that I can better control, or adapt, or adjust to the reality of my life, and I do feel good about that. I have tried to share some of this with her, both verbally, and by sharing articles with her via email. She seems stand-offish about it, at best. When I ask her outright if she wants to learn more, she swears she does, but she has a life, therefore she just doesn't have the time or energy to read much about it. I told her a few minutes ago that I will stop burdening her with it, and will stop sending her articles and such. She rebuffed that idea, but added again that she just doesn't have the time. She said she is doing the best that she can in trying to deal with all my problems, and she doesn't have the energy or the will to do it any more. She's "had it."

    She came back and brought up another time recently that I was unreasonable, saying that she had told me something about her job, and I had reacted with sarcasm and disgust. I remember it well. It was just the opposite. She told me that her employer was giving $50 bonuses to anyone who got a Covid booster shot, and I responded "wow, that must be nice. Go ahead and do that." She and I both agree that that's all that I said. But she says I was being sarcastic, and spit the words out like venom, and I thought it was disgusting. I remember calmly saying those words, genuinely happy for her to get $50 just for getting a shot that we both were going to get anyway. The difference, more than likely, was the fact that during the time that she was unwinding after work and telling me bonus, as well as about the rest of her day, I was in a pit of depression, and I was in a ton of physical pain from my legs and my back. I know that had to have affected the tone of my voice, the look on my face, and my body language. But I don't talk about the pain, because it would sound whiney and redundant. I was just sitting there listening to her, and I thought I answered appropriately and honestly. Anyway, that night, after I had answered her, she responded by telling me what (she believed) I was thinking and feeling, and she wanted to know what my response was. My response was "that's not an argument I am willing to have right now." To me, I was angry that "it" was happening again, and I could argue about it like so many times before, or I could choose not to. I chose not to argue. To her, I had just insulted her, and said she isn't worth arguing with, and since I had not argued, then what she had thought about me must indeed be true.

    If (and when) she "reads my mind" again, and assigns various negative thoughts and feelings to me, we could bypass all of this trouble if she could just hold those 'mind-read thoughts' inside, and just ask me two simple questions, instead. First, "how are you feeling?" And second, "what are you tinking." I will gladly and honestly answer her. But I just can't take any more veritable accusations for thinking and feeling certain ways, and then be expected to explain or defend myself, meanwhile letting it roll off me like water off of a duck's back. It's not an argument I'm having anymore.

    Thanks for listening.
    ♧♧♧

    #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Bipolar2Disorder #CPTSD #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Anxiety #ADHD #Autism #BodyFocusedRepetitiveBehaviors #PathologicalDemandAvoidanceSyndrome #AutismSpectrumDisorders #TreatmentresistantDepression #TRD #ASD #anhedonia #ChronicDepression #ChronicPain #SpinalStenosis #GAD #Sadness #CombinedPresentationADHD #SmilingDepression #SocialAnxietyDisorder #Disability #MentalHealth #Insomnia #DiabetesType2 #Diabetes #Asthma #Hypertension #Hypervigilance #nerveandjointpain #HearingLoss #Grief #generationaltrauma #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #TraumaRecovery #Trauma #ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors #MedicalTrauma #IntergenerationalTrauma #Trauma #SexualTrauma #traumasurvivor #Survivor #EmotionalAbuse #ChiildhoodSexualAbuse #ChildhoodEmotionalAbuse #PsychologicalAbuse #PTSD #AdverseChildhoodExperiences #ChildhoodAbuse #ReactiveAttachmentDisorder #RAD #attachment #Childhoodneglect #attachmentdisorder #ChildAbuseandNeglect #FearOfAbandonment #abandonment #Suicide #SuicideLossSurvivors #SuicidalThoughts #SuicidalIdeation #PassiveSuicidalIdeation #suicidal #Depression #MajorDepression

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    Losing the will to live

    It all started this summer I was feeling a bit off and run down. This was my first year of college and I’m also a runner so I was putting In 40-45 miles a week. I also noticed that I was having weird reactions to coffee. I felt weird sorta like panicky but I ignored it thinking it was in my head. Then one day in August after a ten mile run it was hot too I think I had too much caffeine I felt like I had a panic attack I didn’t feel right couldn’t focus on anything. Weeks after it felt like all the adrenaline was being sucked out of me I would feel panicky and the world around me became less and less real. My mental clarity was absolutely gone. I told my coaches something was wrong unfortunately collge coaches don’t listen well so I had to keep running for a bit. I eventually was able to get my parents to call my coaches to make them stop running me and in October I was diagnosed with mono and came down with the sore throat then. Ever since the time in August I’m left in this dissociated/ derealization state. Feels like I’m in a dream. Nothing interests me and I have extreme mental fatigue and I can’t emotionally connect with anyone anymore. I also can’t go to school anymore cause I’m just so tired. Honestly back at school I felt like I was dying. Has anyone dealt with mono like this before? I’m scared I’m never going to get better. I don’t even remember what normal feels like. Could something else be wrong or is this all stress related and because I overdid it possibly? I’m also going to see a neurologist to rule out anything there. Wondering if my brain could possibly be inflamed because I can’t imagine anyone ever feeling so bad. Thinking maybe it passed my blood brain barrier. I feel like I’m going crazy and I haven’t heard mono affecting anyone like this. I want my old life back 😞 #BrainFog #ChronicFatigue #Derealization #Fatigue #MentalHealth #Anxiety #DissociationDisorders #anhedonia #apathy

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    The Mighty’s Top 10 Most-Read Stories of 2021: #9

    As the year winds down, we wanted to take a moment to celebrate our 10 most-read Mighty stories from 2021. These stories collectively have been read by over 600,000 people from all over the world. That’s over 600,000 people who found stories that they not only resonated with, but were able to find comfort, resources, answers, and for some a starting point in their own health journeys.

    Here’s #9 on the list in case you missed it: themighty.com/2021/01/anhedonia-inability-to-feel-pleasure-d...

    Thank you to Mighty contributor Fairley Lloyd for sharing this piece with our community!

    #FeaturedStory #letstalkdepression #anhedonia #MentalHealth #Anxiety #BipolarDepression #Depression #CheckInWithMe #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

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    Anhedonia and Spirituality #anhedonia #Spirituality #god #Connection #anhedoniagod #numbspiritual

    I've had a recent change in meds and one of the biggest changes I've noticed is my withering connection to the joys in my life. A large source of my peace has always been my relationship with God and it is scary to me that since on this new med I can hardly pray. I know for certain that it is the medication because it is in many more areas than just my spiritual life. However, this is the one area that really bothers me.

    How do you deal with anhedonia? How have you remained connected spiritually? There are pluses, but this is definitely not one of them.

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    Anhedonia - A Poem

    I feel the slowness
    It grows on my mind
    Like a tree in the wild
    I think it stops and restarts
    Then it starts to become intense
    What I’m doing becomes worthless
    My time spent, meaningless
    My effort, a waste of time
    I grow tired of what is happening
    And then try something else
    Only to feel the same way in a few minutes time

    #anhedonia