anhedonia

I am having trouble finding leisurely things to do when I’m feeling depressed. I have tried making art again but I just feel frustrated by everything I make. I can’t really read things either because I just don’t get any enjoyment out of it when I’m not in a good mood. (Also I consider exercise to be more of a chore tbh. I’m more looking for things I can do after doing something productive.)
#Depression #anhedonia

I don't know what this is. I mean, I do but...well, the thing is, I hate my life. There's nothing new, nothing adventurous - just so-called "real life" - and I hate "real life"!

All I really do is wake up in pain, shower (when I can), get dressed, walk down the street to the restaurant I have breakfast in (I hate eating in my apartment- hate it!), am overwhelmed with more pain, walk back up the street trying not to fall on my face because of my balance (I have mild cerebral palsy) and am in pain. Sounds boring, doesn't it? It is! Although, I will say...I get the feeling that I'm losing my train of thought with all of this. Trying to get it all done so everyone's happy, everything's in place, being wherever everyone else wants me. When is anyone going to do that for me? My answer would be - never!

I'm a loner. Always have been, always will be. I enjoy being alone - I'm much more relaxed when I'm alone. So why do people insist on bothering me? I'm also a bit of a misanthrope. I don't hate anyone, I just want to be left alone!

What does this have to do with anything? All that I've written above, except the bits about being a loner and misanthrope causes pain. Throbbing pain. The kind of pain where I have to lay down and wait until the pain passes.

I feel like I'm wasting my life. Who am I kidding? I AM wasting my life, doing nothing for myself and everything for everyone else. It causes pain, my friends, pain! I'm dreading going back to the apartment and reading a book and I like the book - well, sort of. I need to rethink everything, I believe. Where the hell did that come from? It's true, but...my mind wanders about - must be my ADHD.

Ah, well - I'll stop now. I could go on, but I've said enough for now. I'd like to continue this kind of post though, at some point. I don't know!

Two more things...
1) From the title, people are going to be reading this and be totally confused.
2) If you're wondering what I mean by being a loner, check out Robert Redford in the film "Jeremiah Johnson" (1972). I'm not looking to be a mountain man, but I think you'll get the idea. That's if you're interested.

You know something? I'm hungry for a roast beef sandwich! Hopefully, the Shipt order will be here soon! YIPPIE!

Hello mighty. It's been tough for a long time. There's so much in my life I am grateful for, but I keep lacking that spark, that joy for living. It feels comfortable to be depressed... I know it, it's familiar, but I... I want to be balanced. I also want to experience what it's is to live in my power. I want peace. I want to feel connected to that greater being. I want to revel in my purpose. I'm not a religious person, but I just keep wondering what's this all for?#anhedonia #Doubledepression #PersistentDepressiveDisorder #MajorDepressiveDisorder

I’m sorry in advance if this post is triggering, or otherwise not allowed.

Let me cut to the point: I believe that I no longer serve a role or a purpose in the daily life I am living. My husband and teenage children have no real use/need for me anymore. They just avoid me, until they want or need something that I can provide. I cannot manage to make/sustain connections with others (immediate or extended family, friends/acquaintances; old or new), and am exceedingly lonely. (I cry every day - which is probably good, since it proves to me that I can feel.) Even the cat, who used to favor my company, has completely gone off me. I am very unfulfilled in my life, and I really don’t see the point in living anymore.

I’ve finally weaned off my antidepressant (psychiatrist knows this and has prescribed a different SSRI which I have not yet started), which did absolutely nothing for me except to “blunt” me. I spent YEARS feeling nothing and watching life go on around me, as if watching a movie. Now I can feel- and it’s anger and resentment for lost and wasted time; for the rejection I feel, among many, many other things. I do have a therapist-good as far as therapists go - who tells me I need to do self-care. I reminded them that I can’t even bring myself to bathe, let alone go on a mini-vacation, spa, retreat etc. That’s a big issue for me as well - I see that I’m deserving of attention as long as I’m paying someone for it.

Intellectually, I know how to begin the “leaving” process…as I’ve told my husband, if I knew where to go, I’d already be long gone. (The dynamics of our relationship are a big part of the problem - though I refuse to blame him or anyone else for what I am going through.) Problem is, I don’t know how or where to go, or if I even want to start all over. I do know that I cannot continue life the way it is and has been for a long time. I almost wish to die in my sleep - that’s all I do anymore is sleep, as I have no energy for anything else- so that I don’t have to make decisions and live in pain anymore.

If you have insights/perspectives to share, I’d appreciate them. But really, I needed to drop this “bomb” somewhere…I have no outlet otherwise. Thank you for reading.

#DebilitatingDepression #si #Isolation #anhedonia