attachmenttrauma

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#Bipolar #MentalHealth #Anxiety #ADHD #PTSD #PostpartumDisorders #Cyclothymia Nighttime Brain Dump

My life is so stressful and chaotic. I personally suffer with #Cyclothymia #Bipolar #Anxiety #ADHD #PTSD #PostpartumDisorders #Adjustment Disorder with #attachmenttrauma
I also suffer from #Co -depenency
My current husband has #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder .
My Mom has #Bipolar and My Dad has #Bipolar and #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder
I believe I was born as an Angel and a Child of God. I’m Christian. At 5 and 6 years old I was physically abused by my Uncle. At 14 years old, I had to pack my bags and be taken away from my Mom who was #Manic at the time. She has attempted suicide several times by pills. The last attempt was November 2023. My sister, was diagnosed with #BreastCancer November 2023. November is also my birthday month. My best friend, Ashley, died from a head on collision on the freeway from a Drunk Driver, on my birthday, at 19 years old.
I come from a long history of abuse and trauma. In High School, my Dad and Stepmom would lock up food and other essentials in their room. They withheld food from us. I have food scarcity issues to this day. On May 4, 2023 I found out that my Husband of 13 years had been cheating on me throughout our relationship and marriage. I got a Restraining Order for Emotional Abuse. My only child and I were in hiding for about 6 weeks until my court hearing that my husband filed for Emergency Custody Rights and Legal Separation. He filed in the paperwork that I was Unstable, not taking my medication, and supervised visits. He wanted to pay me zero spousal support and zero Child support. We settled out of court in June 2023, the day before the hearing. My husband was an #Alcohoic and #Addiction to bad behaviors. He lied, cheated, and spent money that was supposed to support the family. To say I’m devastated is an understatement.
My #MentalHealth is suffering because I am still in the same house, in the same bed, with my Husband.
How can I go on like this?
I’ve never been suicidal but I’m exhausted. I’m current seeing my Psychiatrist and Therapist for treatment. I’m even doing IV #ketamine Treatments.
I know I deserve better in so many ways. Any ideas or suggestions on how to move on from here? I’m suffering even though I know I deserve a life that is better. 🙏

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Deep inside me, beneath all the resentment and worthlessness lives the fear of disappearing completely... anyone else?

I want to specifically explore this fear, related to abandonment depression, but I can't find any resources. It's not a fear that people will leave, it's a fear that I will cease to exist, stop mattering all together, and become truly meaningless.

#FearOfAbandonment #CPTSD #Childhoodemotionalneglect #attachmenttrauma #developmentaltrauma

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