developmentaltrauma

#CPTSD #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #developmentaltrauma #neglect #Abuse #Childhoodtrauma #childhoodptsd

#Childhoodtrauma especially if it happens in early childhood and pre-verbally is challenging to detect and heal. Chronic #Stress deeply impacts the #nervoussystem and leads to #maladaptive patterns and behavioral tendency. This is very profound book, looking at #developmentaltrauma from a somatic and mental stand, offering great practical approaches to integrate and resolve trauma. ##NARM

I read something recently in a book called Daughter Detox and she pointed out most women do not even recognize that they have been emotionally abused until in their adulthood. By then the psychological damage is so conditioned and pervasive that it seems impossible to untangle. I feel like I’m working backwards and my emotional state is on the wildest rollercoaster ride imaginable. My added problem is I hate rollercoaster rides including real ones much less emotional twisters!

2 weeks ago I’m on the phone with my mother, trying desperately to just listen and not engage. Until she started complaining and critisizing my 16yr old niece, her youngest granddaughter. She cannot understand how “that girl” only 2 weeks into the school year is already complaining that she is overwhelmed and so stressed. My mother then clearly accuses that my niece is using her anxiety as an excuse. This conversation was 2 days before my nieces mother’s birthday. Her mother that had taken her own life 5 years ago. Don’t know about you but I think a 16yr navigating the regular angst experienced in the teenage years in addition to her already horrific lived experience does not need to make up her anxiety!

After failing to stay neutral, I got upset, attempted to defend my niece. Needless to say that phone call did not end well. I was again accused for getting upset/emotional for no reason, and of twisting my mother’s words. I was also asked why I do this to her all the time, get angry and take it out on her. She stated she can’t handle all this in addition to dealing with my father issues. Oh yeah, somehow I did not do my part to listen to her rant on about how hard it’s for her and l do not visit enough to help her out more.

While this may not seem like much. It took me a few days after that call to sort out my feelings and emotions. I realized that aside from seeing my mother treat her granddaughter’s emotional state with no empathy and compassion it just highlights and is almost a direct parallel to how my mother treated me and my emotions from day one. The memories of being told constantly to stop crying. Getting anger, disappointment, criticism and judgement to my emotional reactions was pretty effective conditioning and warped my whole sense of being. I stopped crying, stopped sharing my true feelings, determined to show how strong I was. I was no longer going to be that sensitive, naive kid that was going to be judged, criticized and ridiculed. The problem with that is at age 50 that little kid “inner child” is still there and has only been suffering in silence for a very very long time. This is at the core of emotional abuse and trauma. Unfortunately to most it’s made out to be not a big deal, to not have too much significance to its impact to my life as a whole. So other then well trained professionals supports my issues were constantly being minimized and dismissed. After a few breakdowns, multiple mental health diagnoses & medications. It’s not nothing #Depression #PersistentDepressiveDisorder #dysthemia #Anxiety #Bipolar1Disorder #BipolarDisorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #CPTSD

While struggling with depression, anxiety and bipolar for most of my life I only came across Developmental Trauma about 5 years ago. This opened up a whole new Pandora’s box of issues, feelings and emotions. This opened my eyes to the emotional trauma/abuse I suffered in my childhood from the day I came into this world to now.

I only came across this article recently and it seemed to summarize what I have been struggling my whole life. In my case I can add my father and siblings into the mix to a toxic mother.

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/201908/12-signs...

It helped to make the intangible, tangible and validate what I was made to feel was my own distorted imagination. Unfortunately after 50 years of thinking one way it’s been very hard to track the difference of uncovering and highlighting old wounds, mixed with current hurts to know if I’m actually healing or just re-traumatizing myself.

I recently had an acquaintance (don’t consider a friend anymore for obvious reasons) accuse me this week that I wallow and make up excuses for my wallowing. I have not had any kind of heart to heart with this person in over a year.

To be perceived that I “wallow” and only make excuses really impacted me negatively. In addition to doing hard core trauma therapy for the past 4 years, this year alone I had 2 aunts pass away, my father had a heart attack and subsequent surgery at age 80. I have a 25 years old niece that is struggling with the anniversary of her mother’s death to suicide. I’m the only member of the family that she can turn to. Having her ask me 2 weeks ago; “..,why her father, my brother, can’t recognize how hard it is for her to manage and cope.” All he does is turn to her to get her help to raise/support her 16 year old sister. How twisted is that!?

So in regards to the judgement and criticism from this person I “should” not have let it impact me, but it really did. It’s like any progress I thought I had made went through the window. I still can start to doubt myself in a blink of an eye. This article states that 1 of the signs of healing is that I doubt myself less and less. Right now I really question if I ever will. How will I ever overcome the old deep seated emotional conditioning I have been subjected to since literally the day I was born?

It’s so hard for me to organize my feelings/emotions much less identify them. The struggle seems never ending. So to get more judgement and criticism then I already do from my family of origin really does not help. It does not seem to help how much I’ve learned intellectually of what I’m dealing with I do seem to be in this constant tsunami of emotional distress. Is this considered “wallowing”?

I did not plan this post to have questions, but I really don’t know what will come up from one moment to the next. While some of these questions can be considered rhetorical, I guess the self doubting part is still asking.