While struggling with depression, anxiety and bipolar for most of my life I only came across Developmental Trauma about 5 years ago. This opened up a whole new Pandora’s box of issues, feelings and emotions. This opened my eyes to the emotional trauma/abuse I suffered in my childhood from the day I came into this world to now.
I only came across this article recently and it seemed to summarize what I have been struggling my whole life. In my case I can add my father and siblings into the mix to a toxic mother.
It helped to make the intangible, tangible and validate what I was made to feel was my own distorted imagination. Unfortunately after 50 years of thinking one way it’s been very hard to track the difference of uncovering and highlighting old wounds, mixed with current hurts to know if I’m actually healing or just re-traumatizing myself.
I recently had an acquaintance (don’t consider a friend anymore for obvious reasons) accuse me this week that I wallow and make up excuses for my wallowing. I have not had any kind of heart to heart with this person in over a year.
To be perceived that I “wallow” and only make excuses really impacted me negatively. In addition to doing hard core trauma therapy for the past 4 years, this year alone I had 2 aunts pass away, my father had a heart attack and subsequent surgery at age 80. I have a 25 years old niece that is struggling with the anniversary of her mother’s death to suicide. I’m the only member of the family that she can turn to. Having her ask me 2 weeks ago; “..,why her father, my brother, can’t recognize how hard it is for her to manage and cope.” All he does is turn to her to get her help to raise/support her 16 year old sister. How twisted is that!?
So in regards to the judgement and criticism from this person I “should” not have let it impact me, but it really did. It’s like any progress I thought I had made went through the window. I still can start to doubt myself in a blink of an eye. This article states that 1 of the signs of healing is that I doubt myself less and less. Right now I really question if I ever will. How will I ever overcome the old deep seated emotional conditioning I have been subjected to since literally the day I was born?
It’s so hard for me to organize my feelings/emotions much less identify them. The struggle seems never ending. So to get more judgement and criticism then I already do from my family of origin really does not help. It does not seem to help how much I’ve learned intellectually of what I’m dealing with I do seem to be in this constant tsunami of emotional distress. Is this considered “wallowing”?
I did not plan this post to have questions, but I really don’t know what will come up from one moment to the next. While some of these questions can be considered rhetorical, I guess the self doubting part is still asking.