Hi all the mighty PTSD gang, this is my first post on the mighty after being a member since 2017 and have been an avid reader. Well,my thought is why do I come across to everybody I know and even people I have only met as a happy,calm,mentally well,basically I’m a joke a minute person!! This is very far from the truth,as when Iam alone the real person reappears,the unhappy and back to ruminating suffering guy that really makes me!! Also, I find it pretty strange that I think that everyone knows I will be the one that will crack jokes every time they see me,but, I don’t have ANY friends and not even family come to visit or even text or phone,unless they need something!! The person that is in touch most is,ironically my ex-wife,who coincidentally divorced me after 20 years for my lack of emotional and romantic behavior,and I take the blame for that,but I could not help it, as I have gotten older I seem to be more negative about positive emotions. You might ask,why can’t I make those phone calls or send those text messages, or go and visit those who are closest to me? Well as along with PTSD i have also been afflicted with anxious avoidant personality disorder, which means I crave to be liked,terrified of criticism and find that a way I can deal with my level of anxiety, I,yes,avoid and avoid again!! So basically, I regard myself as a very kind and fair person who can be known as an a aspiring comedian that can’t understand why nobody want to come and visit me,when most people I know,know about my traumatic childhood and the hell that I endured!? Is it because every time they do see me,I put on a facade and give them the impression that ironically I’m happier than them and I must be enjoying life to the fullest? It’s like I’m living a double life that I certainly don’t want,so how do I let people know,and they take me seriously, that I am not that happy go lucky person they see,but someone who has permanent tension and chronic pain and if I’m in the presence of people,uncontrollable anxiety? I just don’t understand why people can’t read up on trauma and try to get the person that has a reason for not getting in touch,that maybe they are not so great after all!! PS. the two things that are most prevalent in my life at the moment are, an obsessive watch buying scenario!off course all on credit, and a recent experience that I felt in my mind what the act of dying was like,and let’s just say I never found it scary, and go to that thought to remind me that if my life gets any worse,not to worry. As you can probably tell I’m no author, so sorry if this post is just a bumbling mess!