atypical anorexia

I’ve always had an extremely hard time validating myself, feeling like I “deserve” a diagnosis, any diagnoses, because I’m probably “just faking.” I’ve gotten way better in my last few years of treatment for anxiety/depression/CPTSD. But my struggles with validating my eating disorder (OSFED, closely resembling Atypical Anorexia), has been a major issue. Despite the fact that I haven’t had a period in many years and I have extreme fatigue all the time, have a panic attack when I try to eat anything new, hide my body and cry when I have to be seen in public in what I view as a “grotesque” physique, restrict at every opportunity, and that I frequently attempt purging, I can’t get over the fact that I haven’t lost tons of weight. It feels embarrassing, and like I don’t deserve help because I’m “not that bad.”

I finally got a therapist who perfectly matches what I need. To help us get a full picture of what I’ve got going on, my new therapist asked if I would consider getting a full psych eval with one of the people in her office, which I agreed to.

Big mistake.

His conclusion was that, because I have a chronic illness (a tethered spinal cord from birth), I don’t have an eating disorder, it’s just that “it’s harder for me to eat because it makes my stomach upset.” Which it does not. I have almost no dietary restrictions. He also told me “if you don’t want to eat for half the day, go for it!” Sir, I am in ED recovery.

I’m very devastated, I feel like no one in the ED care community will take my case seriously. Thankfully, my therapist is very much on my side and said that she completely disagrees. But it’s left me with so much more anxiety about what others will think of me. How ridiculous I am to put myself in the same category of people with “real issues.”

Anyway, this is my first time posting, so hopefully this wasn’t too much. Thank you for listening

#OSFED #OSFED #EatingDisorders #AtypicalAnorexia #Depression #CPTSD

Hey. I have a few new hashtags. I got out of the complex trauma unit 2 weeks ago tonight. I’ve been dealing with a lot of stuff both internally (strong reactions to being a little more intimate with my boyfriend, and a lot of dissociation and out of control brain chemistry/ADHD/anxiety/agitation) and externally (get everything situated for school—I’m only going online and only taking 2 Gen Ed requirements completely online—just so I don’t have to take a medical leave), lots of treatment and staying off social media.
It was very hard in the hospital between the extreme if I may say so myself anxiety and the constant eating disorder and weight talk. 4 of us were actively anorexic (although I personally was in a LOT of denial about being in active relapse since a month or more before going in) and the other 5 were talking about having had weight loss surgery or how much weight they’d lost. It was pretty constant but mealtimes were really rough. I am currently overweight/borderline obese/in a larger body (actually, not “just in my head”, I used to have typical anorexia and sometimes bulimia and I completely get body image issues 100%). I gained a lot of weight from being mis-medicated on high doses of very bad weight gainer antipsychotics (sometimes several at a time) and slightly overeating (never bingeing) for a long period of time. Then I went on stimulants for ADHD (which are not good for people in recovery from anorexia! But I literally need them to be able to function in engineering school at all. My ADHD is now confirmed severe combined type.) So when I went on Adderall for 2 years I stayed roughly the same size for awhile, then very slowly started losing the excess weight, in a very healthy recovery focused way. I’m now on Vyvanse instead, and also on Zoloft which makes me kind of very disgusted by the smell of food. I also went (almost) completely off all the antipsychotics in the hospital. See where this is going? A lot of bad relapse-y active restriction type stuff. Actually it’s the worst and longest relapse in 14-15 years. I thought it was going to get better when I got away from all the ED talk but umm…no. It’s actually getting a lot worse. I’m losing weight very fast (I’ve been through anorexia since I was 13 or 15 depending what day you ask me, and a lot of treatment, and I know what very fast looks like.) and I’m definitely actively restricting. I can’t obsessively excercise because of #dishydrosis I can’t sweat very much at all. My very trusted nutritionist who I worked with for 20+ years has retired, but she recommended someone and I have an appointment on October 7. But she can only get me in every 3 weeks. I have a hard time taking my ED seriously, because I’m in a larger body. Any pro-recovery support is welcome and requested! My boyfriend and I gave eachother promise rings and my promises to eachother included mutual commitment to recovery at all times and getting all help needed. I don’t make promises I can’t keep. Struggling.

i'm feeling really hopeless right now. i've been struggling with anorexia for 10+ years, without ANY treatment until late in 2020. before i became sick with lupus (& some other chronic illnesses, some diagnosed & some not), i was scary thin. but as i got sick, even though what i (wasn't) eating didn't change, like literally nothing changed, i started to gain weight, really rapidly, to the point where i became actually fat. note: i've reclaimed the word fat to describe my body (& i actually am fat because fat isn't a feeling, thx).

my therapist encouraged me to seek help at a local treatment center that has a HAES approach. my first clinician was amazing & was able to get me to eat a snack once or twice a day. but then she left in november & i was set up with a male clinician (not a fan of men but desperate for help so i tried). at our very first appointment, he asked me when was the last time i binged. it was like he hadn't read ANY of my file & was just assuming i was bulimic & binged because i'm fat. i have never binged in my life??? so i brought this up to the director & she told me there wasn't anybody else i could see until february.

february turned into march. & this month, i was able to see a new clinician (who seemed super inexperienced) for ONE appointment before they discontinued my treatment literally overnight because i couldn't come downtown for a 10-minute doctor's appointment (i'm immunosuppresed, don't have a car, & i live in a rural area w/o rideshares). i literally had told her this LAST YEAR & they told me they would work something out but apparently never did. i began emailing the director about this march 1st. it took 3 emails before she replied with one sentence claiming she was waiting on her PA's schedule. i didn't hear from her for a WEEK & emailed her two more times only to hear about how busy her PA is & she's still waiting on her schedule???

like i've regressed from being able to occasionally eat snacks to not eating at all to not even wanting treatment anymore because my ED has fucked with my head so much during all of this.

i don't know what to do anymore & i'm feeling hopeless about ever recovering from this.

#AnorexiaNervosa #AtypicalAnorexia #EatingDisorders

I’m not underweight, i’m quite in the middle, but since july i felt i was too fat, i always checked mh body in the mirror and started to go to the bitch in the morning so i could skip lunch. I earned 800 calories a day. one month ago I talked about this with a person that made me understand my metabolism so i started to earn 1300/1400 calories a day. I know it’s not enough but everytime I try to eat more I feel like I’m gaining fat and I’m doing the wrong thing. I exercise 3/4 times a week and never skip one time. opinions? #AnorexiaNervosa #AtypicalAnorexia

I'm having a breakdown, I thought I was stable after my last trial, no I ain't.
I feel that being an adult means I have to be a grey person, or at least is what they want me to believe.
I have to hear about my attitudes, I have to hear that I'm spoiled, that I think I'm perfect and that I have "a king into my belly", all this while I'm treating myself with self distructive tendencies and low self stem. It took me years, more than five years, to start liking a bit of myself with intensive therapy, and I don't like myself, in fact I hate myself. But I do like a bit of my intelect.
It took all this time because since I was a little kid people always told me I was bad, I was ugly, I wouldn't ever find a person that loves me, that I wasn't smart. I've always been an aim for bullying into the shadows of my parents. All they told me was "ignore them".
I have to hear that I'm right to hide what I feel, to not "expose" myself when who tells me this have another person to vent, to cry. I have to take alone all this weight to my bed, and it's not always that I may cry.
Why did I ask about being an adult? Well, it's because they always tell me about professional life, about studying, about molding it. And when I wanna stop for a few hours, to play a game, I'm treated like I was useless, like I do nothing for life. I thought maybe I would be less disrespected when I got my job. I was wrong. I was delusional. People at work aren't bad, but I have to hide all my troubles, I talk to them as if nothing happened, in homeoffice, sometimes, after I cry, sometimes during a psychotic attack. I have to ignore my hallucinations for pretending I am fine. (which I confess it's kinda funny).
But in home? I feel mistreated, it's abusive, it's making my depression and low self stem develops even more. Will I finally be better treated when I have my own home? Because now... I really, REALLGY, need strengh and motive to hold up and continue in this.
I'm sorry to say... I really want to CS.