A slow come back #MentalHealth #PTSD #ECT #EDNOS
Since October 2021 my life has been radically different. October 2021 I couldn’t stop the stress induced hallucinations of ending my life and dissociating constantly. I put my hands up at life and said mercy.
I was admitted to a psychiatric unit, which wasn’t the first time, but it was the first time I was given a chance to have a life again…or so I was told.
I was offered ECT on a silver platter that was made to look so beautiful and enticing. I was told this would be my life saving treatment. I was not told however, about the side effects that became very real and apparent in my life after discharge.
Fast forward to April 2022, I was admitted to a different hospitals program. This program is at an old hospital I had been to before, and my previous experience was horrifying.
This time around it’s teaching me that change is actually possible…I know it’s weird I’m actually saying that! When I say this hospital changed it’s protocol ENTIRELY, I mean it. Every day I’m still blown away that this is the same hospital as before. Im so grateful it’s crazy!
I had a good day today which scares me because I don’t want this feeling to be ripped away, I don’t experience the good days often.
Im taking control of it though and doing my best to keep my head up. A BHS (behavioral health staff/therapist) started one of the groups closer to the end of our programming day. This group topic was a hard one, self compassion. I start listening like normal and then there were certain words I heard that felt like they hit my soul.
I felt seen and immediately all of my attention was focused. It was a moment where things I struggle with everyday but don’t get to go into, had been brought into the topic.
I struggle severely with dissociation as I have been doing it my whole life without knowing there was a term for it. I didn’t know that not everyone has complete other worlds in their heads. Not everyone had to learn the trick of being dead and alive at the same time for survival, when they were just a very young child.
A later diagnosis of DID made so much sense. DID though isn’t as common as the anxiety/depression part that’s mainly talked about as we have to keep things vague. So I have certain issues that don’t get much attention and that’s okay because there are other areas where I haven’t gotten help, that are getting help now.
But DAMN is it like a splash of cool water on your face when dissociation and dissociative defense mechanisms are brought up in a lesson!
I got pulled from the group by my case manager/therapist so I missed the rest of group but was able to quickly ask if I could further speak about this topic at a later time with this BHS. They said of course and that made my heart…happy? I think that’s what that is. Otherwise I would say it just filled me with such gratitude.
One person can make such a big impact. This person hearing me and seeing me where I’m at, made my day a good day. And for some reason I felt like writing again. I even sang on my drive home.
It may start off slow and frustrating when you’re navigating your recovery from square one again, but slow and steady has always won the race.
Taking it one day at a time. One hour at a time. One minute at a time, it’s all we can do.
Trust the process and lean in.