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Wanting to be a mommy
This is more than baby fever. I hate that no matter who it be, they judge me for wanting a baby because of my age. Me saying i want to have a baby doesn’t mean i’m rushing things or that i don’t understand what it takes to be a mom. I say i want to be a mommy because i know exactly what it takes, nobody at all can comprehend the level that my mindset is at. No one is going to tell me i shouldn’t have one because i’ll go mentally insane or it’ll make me worse. That’s all for me to decide. I’ve studied myself since the age of 7, my self awareness and awareness to the world isnt something for you to assume. My pysch team even said it. I’ve wanted a baby since i was 18 and i am now 20, not pregnant, still with the same partner i fell inlove with 3 years ago and everyone around us judges me for wanting his child? Are you kidding me? I could’ve tried for it by now but i’m not being stupid. I’m waiting for the right time and for me that would be when i have my own home and a true commitment so nothing can hinder the way we want to raise the human we create. I worry because i have a tumour on my ovary and uterus but people don’t assume anything’s ever wrong with a 20 year old. Now that the surgeries were postponed for covid, my chances of not being able to carry are higher. We don’t know whether or not it’s cancerous until after i have the surgery so he has to treat it as though it is when he removes it. Which means more chances of losing my uterus. I just want to experience a full pregnancy as i’ve had an ectopic with the same partner a year back and even then i was ready for a baby that i couldn’t have. My partner and I (before we found out i have a rumour) wanted to go the IVF route one day, his dad had passed away from huntington’s disease and we don’t know whether or not he carries it too but even if he didn’t, huntington’s skips generations too so our child would have a high chance still. But now, we know i might not be able to even have children after this surgery and it just feels like i’ve wanted this forever and i waited but it’s just to late. Yes i want to adopt in the future, but i wanted that first experience of creating a miracle in fusion of my favourite person and I. I’m just not in control, of my mind or my body. I want someone to just understand how i feel .
