I was going to start by saying, “it’s been awhile since depression kicked me in the teeth”, and then remembered it stopped by for a few days not too long ago (and took my creativity with it when it left).
That’s the thing about this journey. When you’re “high” again, you feel guilty for even telling yourself and others you were depressed. It feels so distant that you wonder if you made it up. And then, the inevitable swing..
My therapist (let’s call her Jane) recently shared her diagnosis: bipolar 2. I’ve received that diagnosis before, from a different therapist, but at the time I didn’t fully believe it. I’m sure my support system’s doubt played a role. But when Jane said it, I didn’t feel disbelief or fear or defeat— I felt relieved. “That makes SO much sense,” I thought. I was in a high at the time (conquering life, okay? On a ROLL), so my view was optimistic. “Now I’m fully aware of what’s happening, so when swings come I can handle it better.” Unbeknownst to me, my brain let out a laugh.
Around 8 pm last night, I heard a knock on my door. I looked through the peephole to see Depression looking back at me. “Fuck.” I walked away, thinking that if I didn’t let it in, I’d be safe. I laid on the couch and opened my phone, desperately looking for a mood booster. I spent 30 minutes scrolling on Instagram and YouTube— no luck. I went to the kitchen to grab a drink. There was Depression, holding a glass of water.
“Thanks,” I said. I didn’t even have the energy to ask how the hell it got inside.
It nodded in response.
“Sooo.. how long do you plan on staying?”
It looked around, gave a non commital shrug, and walked to the living room.
I guess that was my answer.
At least I know what’s going on so I don’t have to spiral on that front, but the feelings— the unexplained sadness, the lack of brain activity, the halting of productivity— isn’t easy. But this time around I decided to just rest. I’m giving myself a lights out, in bed kinda day. I’m going to do some research too, to better understand my condition. And I’m so happy I remembered The Mighty so I have an outlet to share what I can’t with friends or family. Thank you ❤️
Here’s to riding the wave. I’m sure next week I’ll be “back” and starting (another) new business venture.
#Depression #BipolarDisorder #Bipolar2Disorder
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