It’s been 2 months since my ex broke up with me. We both still wanted to be in each other’s lives. After I told him that I was diagnosed with depression and borderline personality disorder and explaining that though my behaviours (not excusing), in some instances of the relationship we had such as tantrums, extreme fear of abandonment, lashing out and mood swings as well as needing excessive reassurance, I took responsibility for it. It’s been so difficult to not see myself as the villain.
I’m still hurt and disappointed that he never got back to me after I shared that with him. I told him to never contact me again and that access to me is a privilege, therefore he is denied that access. I truly wish deep down that it didn’t end that way.
But today, I still want to give love another chance and I will as many times as I can. Right now, I’m still hurt. I’m still dealing with disappointment and shame and not blaming myself and not trying to gaslight myself. It’s tough.
The place I’m at now is more of a crawl that a step but it reminds me of Newton’s First Law - an object will remain stationary or at constant velocity unless an external force acts upon it. That external force is my belief to try again and forgiving myself many, many times. #Depression #Bordeline Personality Disorder #growth #Breakups #Breakthrough