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Tapdancing Around Family

I grew up without that feeling of being enough, without being appreciated or loved for who I was. Nobody really cared or asked what I believed or wanted, felt or hoped for.

Being introverted and highly sensitive on top of it, it was relatively easy for me to fit into a role that was carved out for me, deemed acceptable enough by my family - luckily, I love my own company, was easy going, quiet and obedient. I was the 'good girl' who did what she was told and didn't ask or expect any different from the world around her. I didn't know that a different world was possible or how this world could look or feel like for a very long time in my life.

I knew that I had obviously failed miserably trying to be what was expected of me. At the age of 6 my mother told me that 'she should have thrown me against the wall at birth' after complaining that I hadn't done my daily chore to her liking... a vision that never quite left me all my life.

I had also failed to be loved by my father, I guess... why, as I found out much later in life, would he otherwise agree to not ever seeing me again in exchange of my mother accepting full blame for a failed marriage at the family court? Thanks goodness this is now a thing of the past.

So at the age of 8, I was dealt with like the cards on and under the table. Shuffled about to fit into their lives. Used as payback to each other and as a joker to hit the other where it could hurt the most... only it didn't do any harm to them, the joke was completely on me:

The day came when my father moved out and I had to say goodbye to my dad. I was told by my mother that my dad was moving out as he wanted to marry another woman who also had two girls from another marriage. They would now become his daughters and who he obviously loved more than his own. Any correspondence and presents for birthdays he sent to me after that disappeared before they reached me... I was told he didn't want to know me anymore.

I learned early that I had to perform to be accepted, agree with others opinions and needs, not only to be seen but also to survive. Growing older, I had no voice and didn't really know what that even meant. I was never asked about my thoughts or opinions, they didn't really matter and why would anybody be interested in them anyway!

In school one was asked for assertiveness, the need to question and discuss, but my voice remained quiet and mouse-like. Painfully dodging any way to be myself, to be in the light to shine or stand out to be who I really was. Always hiding in the shadows.

Sadly, I wasn't allowed to take the courses at school that interested me - art was not what my mother deemed acceptable, and my failure of good grades did not improve in those subjects she asked me to take, no matter how hard she tried to knock them into me during her drunken weekend sessions.

A small circle of friends, girls from my class who I could be with, talk with and be without pretence, were also not the ones she wanted for me. She put an end to that closeness by secretly asking the school to move me to another class. Apparently their bad influence stopped my achievements - it wasn't the drunken scenes, late into the night, or the sleepless nights when I huddled under the doona hoping she wouldn't come back into my room to let me know how much she had done for me and how little I did to repay her for it, all the time hoping to relax as I had studied for the test the next day but had no hope to do well after nights like these.

She didn't even have the guts to warn me about it but let me walk to school after holidays, looking forward to seeing my friends again, only to find out that I was the only one who had been moved into another class in which I didn't know a single soul.

It took a lifetime to find that voice that should have been - only now at the age ovf 60+ do I start to feel brave enough to talk about those days when I was not good enough, not loved enough, and could not find peace.

As I learned to control my outer life by being agreeable, my inner life grew, expanded, dreamt of possibilities and hated the shackles that were placed on me from little on. My voice was always in there. It was stiffled, but it was waiting to be heard. It was bent into submission, shaped into size and place to please others, no matter of the pain this caused to me.

Both my parents have since died and my sister, 7 years my senior, is no longer talking to me. As she explained to me once, that with my arrival as a baby everything became hard and difficult, everything and everyone in the family changed once I was around - happiness disappeared for her as our mother couldn't cope any longer and I was obviously the reason for that. She talked of a happy childhood, parents I don't recognise - all negative change was down to me. Hard to take, but there it is.

My repeated attempts to establish an adult relationship in the hope to work through and heal some of the wounds we undoubtedly both suffered over those fateful years, has been rejected by her and the only reason given to me was once again the pain I had enforced on her. Now by simply bringing it up and reminding her about it... I have the feeling that she cannot function without the masks.

Go where you are celebrated and accepted not just tolerated'... I believe you have to drop those masks eventually.

Much Love to you all...











#Early Childhood Trauma

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I was never good at making noise.

A small and timid little voice, non-existent confidence and a lack of self-believe. An easy target for anyone who knows what they want and how to get it.

The mantras of youth keep a grip on you, don't they?

It doesn't matter what age you find yourself as you awake, they are there in the back of your mind to influence you, either crippling you while creating havoc or offering strength and hope for every day.

They shaped you as you were young to either please others or grow into a confident being,

ready to face the world and tackle the problems as they arise.

Some I do remember so very well, the ones I had to exorcize from my brain doing the most damage where personal, but some are simple phrases used to control and silent the growing mind:

...Only speak when you are spoken to

...Be seen and not heard.

...If you have nothing nice to say - say nothing at all.

...As long as you have your feet under my table you do as you are told.

...And on and on it goes.

There are life-defining moments in everybody's life. They don't stop at eighteen, they start at birth and end with the last breath you take, the finale and biggest point of realisation in anybody's life, preceded by ups, downs and in-betweens.

Those special moments present themselves different for everyone, often not realized until later in life, they are what we build on and what we find important enough to saviour.

Some are lucky, having experienced the early moments in life defined by love, kindness and well-meaning guidance from the people around them. They know that their voice matters - their mothers told them so.

Some of us are not so lucky. We fought for attention, to be seen, to be heard and recognised. Some do this all their life: As child to survive, as adults to be heard and as parents to be valued. Most are thankful for simple signs that their life experience is respected by those who matter.

We work towards that balance when we can please others, yet be valued even without doing so. When our voice is valued for what it is: Experience in motion and growing wisdom as elders.

We soak up experiences when our voice and opinion is considered and recognised as worthy, When we are approached for our knowledge, seeked out without having to remind that it exists.

Most do find their voice, often after life has shaken them awake by one of those special moments, finally realising that it is necessary to go back and re-parent themselves in order to grow.

But being authentic, truthful and awake is not as welcome by as many as you might think! It's not easy going to get there, requires openness, truthfulness, dedication and a lot of work....

But you'll find that having done this work, it is not the end of the story, it is only the beginning.

You might have found your true, authentic self but lost those who are on different levels of their journey.

Now, you don't fit into the comfortable persona you have been exuding for others all your life. Your voice is not pleasing any longer -it demands the respect that some are not willing or able to give. Some prefer the easy going, fix-it-for-you people where growth is suspended and thought is not needed. No matter who you are, never right for all.

Another life-defining moment ahead.

Growth is indeed endless. You have to walk your path as who you truly are, not who others want you to be.

Who will be with you on that path from now on is a mutual decision, it's not just up to you but their decision too.

You must keep walking, no matter the losses along the way, you cannot make yourself small again for others... It's time for others to grow taller themselves as well.

I am sure that many people I know, would they ever read anything I write, would be truly aghast of what I have to say... not because they would find themselves now faced with that unwanted truth and consequences of actions, but simply because I now do talk about it. I break the silence. I break the norm, I dare to speak about it now.

That's not done in a 'happy' world!

Sorry, never was a fan of being a fake-it-til-you-make-it kinda girl...

Sending much love and strength for your personal journey... xo

#Childhoodtrauma #Trauma #PTSD #CPTSD #HSP #INFJ #Introvert

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INFJ ?? are you an infj...

just curious who all is out there on this app.. you can drop me a line if you feel like sharing or chatting.. ok... much love yall _ Little Mystery #INFJ #ChronicPain #MightyTogether

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How do I “break up” with my counselor?

I’ve noticed that my last few sessions with my counselor that she’s just listening and then commending me for my ‘progress’. It doesn’t even seem like talk therapy anymore. She’s has been a huge help in my journey, but now I think I need more than just Talk. I need assignments, practice sessions for communicating with others, goals to help set good habits, someone to gently push me past my comfort zones, etc. So how do I “break up” with my counselor in a kind and respectful way? I don’t know how to do this. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #INFJ #codependent #Selfharm #AlcoholAbuse #Anxiety

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Moving Shadows

Time to move those ancient shadows that have been hanging over me, following wherever I go.

Time to leave behind walls that have stood solidly, built by myself to help me survive,

distract and avoid the memories that held them in place with fears that tried to define me.

Time to recognize false dreams and disappointments that have been holding me back. Time to let go of hopes and wishes that didn't even belong to me but belong to others, acting as my prison for much too long.

Time to open those heavy set gates and walk those ways. My own ways, trusting my own feelings and beliefs - openly and unashamed.

Those gates that beckon to believe again to finally swing open. Know yourself, find your truth, learn to grow and bravely be.

Now is the time. No other way forward, no alternative. Experience in waiting and wisdom to grow. Nothing can stop you from moving forward any longer.

Move those shadows! They hold you in place and recycle the darkness. You need the light to feel the truth and warmth of the sun. Find a better way, a true way, a way to believe in and be yourself.

It's true: It's all about Love in the end.

#PTSD #HSP #INFJ #HighlysensitivePerson #Introvert #Depression #Childhoodtrauma


This could be misunderstood

I've always struggled with therapy and being on medication because I never quite understood why I needed it.

I'm a feeling person who feels alot and I always have been since I was a child. I'm in therapy again after some years because I do think it's important to talk to someone if you can about the things you are feeling.

I'm trying to stick with it and I will but the turn off comes when my therapist is trying to uncover some childhood trauma or deep trauma that simply doesn't exist. Its just that the same questions persist as if I'm not being open enough.

It sucks but some of us including myself are just very sensitive to the world and everything around us. I think deeply about things and see the world with a different lens. Actually that doesn't suck at all because I truly believe I'm here for a reason.

I know It's about managing my emotions, the way I think and the way I feel. I'm empathetic, sensitive and very aware it but it doesn't mean I'm dealing with any trauma. I know its easier to diagnose trauma but sometimes depression is simply depression and its up to myself to find the light that God gave me and to put my gifts to good use. Depression is not a sign of weakness neither is trauma.

I'm not sad person or a pessimistic person. I'm a happy person who loves the world so deeply that sometimes I wish things were different and I find myself in a funk. The only trauma I'm dealing with is wishing the world was a better place and people being nicer to eachother.

Can you relate? Have you been to therapy? How has your experience been? What are you fighting for to make yourself whole?

I hope this day brings you peace, love and light. Thank you for letting my ramble. ❤

#Depression #Anxiety #Therapy #INFJ #empath #Taurus #OPTIMIST #Faith

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Searching meaningful connection

I am learning to accept that as a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) I feel and experience life very differently to most of the people in my life. Coping with an increased or deeper central nervous system sensitivity to physical, emotional or social stimuli on a daily basis is no easy task but becomes an extremely frustrating one when trying to help people understand this important fact in order to keep meaningful connections with people who matter to you.

In order to deal and cope with sometimes extremely hurtful situations that can develop from a lack of care or understanding towards each other, the difficult practise of decreasing feelings for others or restricting yourself being available to those who represent unhealthy triggers, is necessary for your own personal health, survival and continuing growth.

People can only meet you at the level of development they are at themselves – all you can wish for is that the people you care for (learn to) accept diversity without having to be pushed for you to be seen, heard or acknowledged.

“We find comfort among those who agree with us – growth among those who don’t” – Frank A. Clark

#HSP #HighlySensitive #INFJ #highlysensitivepersons #CPTSD #Anxiety

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where I get lost to find myself

This is where I ground myself. I need this place like I need breathing. It's where I go when I can no longer distinguish who I am and who you are, where I forget myself and find myself.

Lately, I have come here often. I arrive lost, low in energy and spirit, my outlook depressed, sucked dry and spent of any will to try again.

I enter the forest knowing it will save me. It will tickle my appreciation until it wants to be alive again, showing me the beauty of life around me, showing me what really matters.

I walk the paths,

I sit and contemplate,

I meditate if my breath allows it.

Appreciation is my meditation.

I emerge with renewed strength - calmer, relaxed, rejuvenated and joyful. Where did this joy come from?? I believe that nature is powerful and if you are open to be moved (ie vulnerable), as well as empty (in the now) to welcome that power offered by nature, it will help to find your perspective.

Much love... xox

#HSP #HighlySensitive #highsensitivity #INFJ #Depression #CPTSD #Childhoodtrauma