Breakthrough

After living in six different countries, I have been back in my home country since December 2019. My #Anxiety and #Depression got so bad that I felt I had no choice but to come back here. I had to give up on my masters degree and my career aspirations. I lost the capacity to enjoy or be curious about new people and places because of how my #MentalHealth was deteriorating. For the past couple years, I've been trying to access mental health #treatment with really not much to show for it.
But, I am thinking of taking a trip. It is still within my country, it would be for just 5 days, and it wouldn't have to involve a lot of socializing. It's more expensive than I would normally go for, but if it helps me have a #Breakthrough then maybe it is worth it.
My trip is tentatively planned for January, but I will have to make some phone calls and do some planning about work duties. I'm feeling anxious. I'm feeling worried that my mood will crash (Nov-Jan is the worst time of year for me), and I might not even make it on the trip at all. I am also feeling a bit excited, which I haven't felt for a very long time.
#Travel #Vacation #DistractMe

I’ve realized that one of the major impediments in my daily life is the core belief that I am wrong, dysfunctional, defective. It seeps through every little thing I do, say or feel.
My first response to whatever I just did, thought or expressed spontaneously is to correct it into its opposite. If I become aware that my body adopted this or that position while slouching on the couch, I will automatically change it, without even questioning why the first setup was wrong in the first place. That’s a silly, mundane example just to illustrate how pervasive it is.
In more serious matters, it means I condemn every thing I want, do, say, think or feel without even taking the time of fully exploring it. Whatever happens instinctively, as soon as I get aware of it, I will immediately go the other way.
That core belief is inevitably accompanied by a permanent sense of shame. Because I am so inherently, so intrinsically wrong, because the way I’m wired is inadequate, I am ashamed of everything I am - or rather, everything I am not.
Springing from this original belief and the shame it brings, I am constantly thinking something along the lines of “I have to get better before I can do this” or “I need to fix my issues before I can attempt anything”. Meanwhile, life sort of passes me by, time flies and I wake up from time to time having gained another year and not feeling like I’ve made any real progress at all.
It makes me wonder if all the problems and issues I think I have are as real as I believe them to be - or if they are emanations of that one single twisted, crippling belief. It kept me from entering any sort of relationship for six years, believing I couldn’t impose the mess that I was on another human being. In the end, being in a relationship is probably the place where I did the most growing and gained the most self-awareness.
Anyway, I was wondering if anyone had ever come to that realization and if so, how you guys had coped with it and maybe even eventually healed from it.
Thanks for reading.
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Shame #Selfworth #journey #Breakthrough

My mom, brother, and I had an in-depth discussion about things that have happened in the past in the family. It ended up getting the the bottom of a pretty big, dirty, kind of known secret having to do with my mom’s husband. In the middle of this, I was able to speak my truth about this secret. The thing is: my mom’s husband has an addiction to “degrading imagery”, she has caught him doing it for years and it caused a lot of problems between them. She knows now that I to have been exposed to this. A lot of holes were filled now that my brother and I are both adults. I will say that this experience has altered my sense of what a safe relationship is, along with my sense of self. In complete honesty, the big reasons why I stay away from relationships with men is because of fears of inadequacy, abandonment, failure, and the fear of the possibility of repeating the terrible cycle of entering relationships that could be detrimental to me. In the past, I did feel that I did deserve the the love that I’ve experienced, which was toxic. I will say that I like myself a little more than I did in the past, but I still struggle with the idea of anyone who could really appreciate me when I still have moments where I hate myself. I’m dropping my hands right now, not because I’ve given up hope, but I’m giving up my need for control in a lot of areas in my life. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Breakthrough #Relationships

For four days I haven’t been able to identify my feelings, today I realised I’ve had four stable days! I’ve had 5/6hrs sleep a night, I’ve laughed, sang, walked a few miles, had a sense of humour and felt happy. I never thought I would ever feel like this again, even if it’s temporary I’m taking these days and enjoying them. I know we are told ‘better days will come’ I never thought I would. Stay strong everyone, go at your own pace and be comfortable in yourself
#PTSD

Today I was approved for ketamine infusions! I have my consultation this Thursday; and if everything checks out; I can start this treatment next week. I have highly treatment resistant depression as well as anxiety. Thankfully, since these infusions are 700$ a piece, and I’m on disability, I was able to fully open up to my parents about the full depth of my issues. I usually wear my fake persona mask around them so as not to bother them with my issues. Because of the 3 page letter that I wrote them, letting it ALL out, my parents agreed to pay for these very promising treatments! I’m beyond grateful. I look forward to the day when all of us suffering can get these very promising treatments-down the line I’m sure that insurances will pay for these infusions.
#Anxiety #Breakthrough #ketamine

It’s been 2 months since my ex broke up with me. We both still wanted to be in each other’s lives. After I told him that I was diagnosed with depression and borderline personality disorder and explaining that though my behaviours (not excusing), in some instances of the relationship we had such as tantrums, extreme fear of abandonment, lashing out and mood swings as well as needing excessive reassurance, I took responsibility for it. It’s been so difficult to not see myself as the villain.

I’m still hurt and disappointed that he never got back to me after I shared that with him. I told him to never contact me again and that access to me is a privilege, therefore he is denied that access. I truly wish deep down that it didn’t end that way.

But today, I still want to give love another chance and I will as many times as I can. Right now, I’m still hurt. I’m still dealing with disappointment and shame and not blaming myself and not trying to gaslight myself. It’s tough.

The place I’m at now is more of a crawl that a step but it reminds me of Newton’s First Law - an object will remain stationary or at constant velocity unless an external force acts upon it. That external force is my belief to try again and forgiving myself many, many times. #Depression #Bordeline Personality Disorder #growth #Breakups #Breakthrough