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    But Then My Apathy, Depression, and Half of My Pain Lifted…

    WHAT A JOURNEY! I have been AWOL from here for five months! I have been pretty ill for most of that time. My doctor put me on two new meds in late September and it has taken me this long to get out from under such nasty side effects that I was literally debilitated. My doc wouldn’t hear me. All she saw was my weight.

    I finally did some research on the drugs’ common side effects and took myself off of them, tapering the dose carefully to prevent shocking my body and reduce withdrawal symptoms. In addition, my doctor had encouraged me to taper off pregabalin (Lyrica) because it did not seem to be helping the way it used to and I believed I was suffering from side effects from this drug as well.

    It turns out I was right on both counts!
    Once off the first two meds, my anxiety and several other side effects vanished. But here is a celebration: when I got off the Pregabalin my apathy was gone! I mean that when I stuck to my routine of hiding in my nest, I found I no longer wanted to stay there. I sincerely wanted to get up and do things. I started organizing myself, cleaning, doing a LOT of healthy self-care. I started walking again.

    I also finally got an appointment with a therapist after a six-month wait list. I felt at ease with her right away and shared my story. In our second session she told me I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and complex PTSD. What?!

    After 57 years of suffering, she validated my traumas. She heard me and said I’m making sense and it looks clear to her that I have suffered. She wanted to discuss how we are going to rewire my feelings around the trauma. What?!

    I let my tormentors (family members) know about the news that a professional had validated the trauma they caused and to please leave me alone while I heal. It felt like I put down all of my “baggage” and was free. Free of all of that self-doubt, free of confusion, of shame, of grief, free of depression, of guilt, and of even more of the physical pain I had grown used to.

    It wasn’t my fault! I’m so happy it is amazing! I still get triggered, but I’m managing pretty well and will be starting EMDR therapy this week. And I still have chronic physical pain from fibromyalgia, but it is much easier to manage since I felt validated.

    I also was diagnosed with sleep apnea and use a CPAP machine to make sure my brain gets sufficient oxygen all night long. This has done wonders for my brain fog, lack of energy and general sluggishness.

    Do NOT go off any medication without discussing it with your doctor first. But DO look up it’s side effects and make a list of any that you experience… and think about asking for an alternative if you think those side effects are holding you down from living.

    If trauma is what keeps you down, ask your doctor for trauma resources.

    If you wake up tired, get a sleep study. You can do it remotely right from home. You deserve to breathe all night long.

    Get the help you need and FEEL BETTER!

    Drug Info:

    #apathy #Depression #Anxiety #Fibromyalgia #GeneralAnxietyDisorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Caregiving #SideEffects

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    What are u doing or going to do for self care today

    I’m out walking now . I plan on journaling today and listening to music. Plan on getting my Starbucks too. I plan to shower when I get back from my walk. Whether you get 5 minutes to yourself it doesn’t matter. It’s important to take care of you. I know it’s hard sometimes I have no energy to do anything. I just have to convince myself to do it. It’s ok to take a day off from out busy lifestyle to recharge. #MajorDepressiveDisorder
    #PTSD #GeneralAnxietyDisorder #AbuseSurvivors



    I had my first massage done. My neck, shoulders, back feel pretty good but I could not relax. I’m disappointed. I expected more. #PTSD #GeneralAnxietyDisorder

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    Life is full of irony!

    Today marks the first anniversary of the death of my brother. It is also my dog's 2nd birthday. I miss my brother yet I am so happy my dog Hans came into my life. When my brother first passed, I was in such denial that I didn't even shed a tear for several months. I actually didn't believe that he was actually dead. I still doubt sometimes even though I saw him, touched him, read the death certificate and the entire autopsy report. I suppose my mind is trying to protect me. Every time I feel sad because my brother is gone or feel bad because I wasn't able to mourn as I thought I should, Hans does something goofy. His personality actually reminds me of my brother. He's a constant reminder to me that life does go on and even though I've lost a lot, there are many reasons to keep going. Today I resolve that I will do my best to focus my attention on good while still acknowledging my losses. I believe that it can be accomplished. If I am going to give more power to one emotion over the other. Happiness should be more powerful than sadness. I pray that I am able to remember that. #generalanxietydisorder, #Depression , #ChronicMigraineSyndrome , #OccipitalNeuralgia , #Fibromyalgia , #Gastroparesis , #Diabeticpolyneuropathy , #PrinzmetalsAngina ,#Asthma ,#HeartAttack , #diplopia


    Newly Diagnosed #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #GeneralAnxietyDisorder #HistrionicPersonalityDisorder #MajorDepressiveDisorder

    I'm newly officially diagnosed.

    My primary diagnosis is histrionic personality disorder (appeasement) with secondary diagnoses of borderline personality disorder (4 traits), general anxiety disorder, and major depressive disorder.

    I knew I was somewhere on the BPD spectrum!


    Re-diagnosed #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #GeneralAnxietyDisorder #MajorDepressiveDisorder #HistrionicPersonalityDisorder

    Okay, my psychiatrist has just made an amendment to my diagnosis, so I suppose this means I am diagnosed now!

    I'm diagnosed with Histrionic Personality Disorder (Appeasement), Borderline Personality Disorder (4 traits), general anxiety disorder, and major depressive disorder.


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    Shh! #separatebedrooms !

    Children may become depressed, anxious; experience on- going trauma, watching parents drift into separate bedrooms. My daughter survived; I know I can’t heal her pain.
    For me, choosing a separate private space is part of healing. I’m loving my she-shed room. I love creating new themes, on-the-cheap but lovely design creations. Biggest thing of all: Self-care! I prefer a separate space so I don’t have to deal with hubby studying my actions like I’m a lab rat.
    ALSO— many couples have separate bedrooms because of crazy work/sleep schedules.
    It’s all good.

    #Bipolar1 #GeneralAnxietyDisorder
    #Depression #substanceabusedisorder
    #emotional /psychologicalabuse
    #ADD /ADHD

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    #nowrongwaytojournal #findyourownjournalingstyle #GeneralAnxietyDisorder #Emotionally /psychologicalabusesurvivor

    I have been journaling for close to 40 years. I value every thought and word, however, as I get older and wiser, I feel absolutely no need to re-read and re-live past decades of pain, depression,anxiety ( before I had even diagnosed! Then, surprise; I had no idea hubby was a narcissistic abuser. So, I’ve tossed 35 years of journals. So easy to do. As I moved along on my journey, the thought of journaling was an instant anxiety, major depression issue—— the more I write, my outlook sometimes plummets. For me, at this point in my journey, I’ve gone back to daily, very positive habit tracker charts, calender; THE BONUS FOR ME: no long sad paragraphs. The focus is on TODAY, ME, CLARITY, FOCUS ON MY DESIRE to learn, grow, self-care—in this very moment!—I came across 3000 Questions About Me. Ugh! But I drag it with me and note the date
    on any entry. Recently met a woman from Kentucky; she has the same book and uses it in the same manner I do! We agreed you can discover strengths you didn’t know you had.
    What do you think?

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