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28 years later
My husband took his own life in 1997. Leaving behind me and his 2 young sons, ages 6 and 3 years old at the time. I raised my sons with the help of my parents out of this tragedy. Sometimes I feel that I’ve never gotten through the grieving process. In those early years I focused on taking care of my sons and work. Afraid of ever being in a close committed relationship again because this loss was so painful and tragic. I never imagined that he would leave us and so suddenly in such a way with unanswered questions. Not understanding what he could have possibly been thinking or going through. I’ve thought many times that it’s probably a good sign for me that I don’t understand because I wouldn’t ever want to be where he was in his mind. Fortunately, my sons are fine and have grown into very insightful young men. I’m very proud of them and the journey that they had to overcome by putting this behind them. Growing up without a father wasn’t easy for them nor talking about how he died, we all went to counseling. The grieving process was intense at times, coming in waves of crying and pangs of guilt.
The manner in which it all happened up until now has been almost too disturbing to put into words. My husband had a home office downstairs at our house. I went down to check on him as it was getting late, and he hadn’t had dinner yet. We had a conversation, and I could tell that he wasn’t the same. He spoke in the 3rd person and then he pulled out a gun from his top drawer. I was shocked to see a gun because I never knew we had one and we had agreed a long time ago to never have a gun in the house. I struggled with him to get the gun away, terrified but I thought it was the only way to stop him. He fought me off and my hands slipped from the gun, he ran out the back door and shot himself. Our 2 little children were upstairs in the house. I ran to the phone and called 911, the police came, and the medivac helicopter landed in our yard. The police told me I never should’ve grabbed the gun because he would’ve shot me and himself. I remember saying he never would’ve hurt me. Still to this day seeing a helicopter brings back a flash of that day. And I do now see some truth in what the policeman tried to tell me that he wasn’t in his right mind, and he could’ve done anything. Mental health issues are not only devastating, it’s dangerous.
I struggled for years thinking if I could’ve gotten the gun away, he would’ve been o.k., or I should’ve done something else to stop him. I’ve come to realize that none of this was due to my failure or anyone’s fault. My husband had severe mental illness. Just like someone has cancer, it’s an illness. No one gets blamed for having cancer or other physical illness and no one should be blamed or expect someone with mental illness to just get over it without medical treatment. More research needs to be done to find better pharmaceuticals for treatment.
I look at movies now and realize how ridiculous they are when they depict talking someone off a ledge as if it was so easy. It’s not that simple and it’s not real life. I’m writing my story now to let people see and understand the complexity of mental illness and the shattered lives left in the wake. For survivors it stays with you for a lifetime. I do want to offer encouragement for survivors that through it all my sons and I have had so many joyful moments together and celebrated our successes. While in the beginning it was all consuming, it has faded and is now a part of our lives. What happened to us isn’t what defines us. And, my husband had a whole life, he was a loving father, husband, and friend to many. The way he died isn’t his legacy.
