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Left for a while @depression @disability@chronicpain.

Hello Mighty warriors. I left the Mighty for a while.
I was hospitalized for a week. I had two infections that wouldn't go away, so my doctor admitted me. They left me very confused for about 3 days . Because my veins are very small, the nurses had a very hard time starting IVs so my arms were all purple. I felt like I didn't have any real choices. And couldn't sleep! And my lips were terribly chapped.
Leaving, I had awful balance problems (I have ataxia)which was made worse. I lost 11 lbs
(121 to 110 lbs) and no appetite. And still couldn't sleep. And my lips hurt. My darling partner kept my dog Russell safe. So why leave?
I developed depression. I couldn't sleep. Still couldn't eat. My lips hurt.
I couldn't seem to get thru this. I couldn't read about depression, sad times and problems. Or listen to the news.
I had to focus on myself. I needed rest so I turned my phone off. Even with my walker, my walking was and is awful. Slowly, my depression has improved because I prayed to God asking for dealing with these feelings.
The photo is of my brother John (in vest) and wife Sandy, while on the right, my beloved Guy and finally me. I was talked into going out to eat.
I have much to be grateful for.
I try not to think too much about world events and my 3 granddaughters lives in the future. I'm at Guy's home still practicing walking. Russell ( my little dog)loves it here. I am loved and cared for by Guy.
However, my depression tries to return. Some nights I still can't sleep. It tries to sneak in. I have to make myself eat healthy foods. But I won't give in.
And dig this, I stopped smoking!!!! I still want to smoke (it's been 2 months). I do needlework to keep my hands busy. I wore a patch for a while.
Life is up and down for me sometimes. I never even knew I had not 1, but but 2 infections. I felt awful physically and mentally. It was awful. Guy and I have tickets to see Manheim Steamroller later this month!
I am not overwhelmed by the Christmas holidays.
It's terrible to have no control control sometimes. But I need to go the rough times in order to learn and appreciate the good times.
Sorry for the long post. Guess I just needed to share my feelings. Thanks for reading this. Peace out.🤘

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Sharing more helpful information #Arthritis

Momma got my a copper infused wrist brace hoping it will help with my Carpal Tunnel. In with the brace a mini booklet came in the packaging as well. It is from Dr. Arthritis. (doctorarthritis.org)

In the booklet it gives helpful information about the wrist and ailments specially in the wrist. At the end he shares his; Top 10 Tios for Arthritis.

1. Take your medication regularly, not just when you're in a flare-up.

2.Treat any underlying Depression. Arthritis can get you really down. Therefore should not be treated as a physical problem.

3. Consider alternative treatments: Acupuncture, Aromatherapy and Yoga.

4. Use hot and cold therapies. These target inflammation and combat pain.

5. Stretch. This helps to lubricate the joints and enhance range of motion.

6. Gentle exercise in the evening. Before bed, just walk through your house or adjusting yourself on the couch a couple times can works wonders in terms if reducing morning stiffness.

7. Eat a healthy diet

8. Maintain a healthy weight. Extra weight puts more strain on your joints.

9. Manage smoking. Smoking puts stress on connective tissue. So try and cut back or quit.

10. Know your limits! Don't over do it. Rest when your body tells you to.

Not sure if this will be helpful to anyone, but thought I'd share just in case!! Stay strong!!

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Just a day

This is the start of my morning routine.
The yellow is a rescue inhaler, I use 2 puffs of it first.
Then I proceed down the line.
Small red is a combo steroid that promotes lung health
Grey tube is a combo steroid and broncodialator medication, it keeps my airways from closing completely on me even mid asthma attack
Finally the last one, big red, is a steroid that works hard to repair damage from when I was smoking.
I cannot exist without these. I cannot breathe

#Asthma #Lung

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Heartbreak 💔

My BF of 2 + years, broke up with me. During the time of our relationship, he suffered with a Gaming & Smoking Addiction. Prone to Anxiety. He Works at a Casino as Blackjack dealer. His environment normalizes the Win/Lose behavior. His moods go Up & Down, it affected our Relationship. I would become emotional and take it to Heart. I’m susceptible to depression. In the last 6 months, I morally supported him while he decided to remove those vices from his life & become healthy. I wholeheartedly Believed that once he decided to get healthy, it would bring us closer together. Instead, he became narcissistic, cold to my needs, grouchy, would make future plans with me & go ahead on his own, or cancel last minute. Say things like I was ungrateful. It would leave me speechless & crying. Refuses to get help, watches YouTube videos. Now Here’s the confusing part, he would Text me Cute memes every AM & PM. Say I Love You, All the Time. We would talk on the phone everynight for about 2 hours. He would spend the Night at my place 3xW. Drive 45 mins each way to see me. Fix things around the house. Be Loving with my Cat. We go on Enjoyable walks in my neighbourhood. Hold my Hand. Loving when our plans did Manifest. We shared Uplifting Vacations. Those are the Moments that left me longing for more. This went on for over 2 years. Felt longer. Truth is I didn’t want to Break Up, I genuinely Love & Care for him. When I read the Break up text, it has mixed messages. He said he was blocking me but I could email him if I wanted to talk. Shocked! Felt lost & dizzy when I read the message. For my own Peace of Mind, I decided to block him. It hurts so much. Going through a gambit of emotions. Feeling that No Contact is Best. Resisting doubt. Replacing my time by going out with friends. Doing my best to keep busy. It’s when I am at home, the quiet times is when Thoughts comes in. Listening to Soft Music to help ease this feeling. Taking Deep Breaths. Thanks for letting me vent.

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I am completely defeated by my existence

I've never felt more like shit in my life. I've had very unpleasant moments before, but this surpasses them all; I'm deeply depressed. I would never kill myself—I find it a stupid solution to a temporary problem and a lack of appreciation for life. However, I was on the bus on my way to the cardiologist, listening to this Lil Wayne song, “Let It All Work Out.” When I heard those last bars, I felt, just for a second, how miserable I am with such clarity, as if all those barriers between your conscious and unconscious mind that protect you from losing your sanity had disappeared. I wondered what it must feel like to end it all. I think it would probably be a beautiful inner peace, something I haven’t felt in many years.

For a couple of years now, I haven’t felt like a healthy young person. It all started around my first COVID vaccine, about three and a half years ago, I think. I began to get sick every two months, had myocarditis, and I slept through half of my classes in school—a very demanding French school that caused me even more stress because I couldn’t keep up. Also, I’ve never been mentally at peace; since I was a kid, I’ve had a lot of OCD. My mind was always overwhelmed with obsessive thoughts, preventing me from acting normally. I was able to control it with medication, but that doesn’t take away the constant, irrational thoughts that stop me from ever being completely calm.

Then there are the stresses of my relationship with my mom, with whom I clash often due to our very different personalities, and my dad, whom I barely see because he lives in another country, so we have to keep a long-distance relationship. My self-esteem was always low if I wasn’t with someone, but I could never maintain a relationship because my interest never lasted, so I’d have to move on to someone else. Despite all this, I wasn’t entirely unhappy because I thought I’d eventually reach my goals, live amazing experiences, and that everything would heal with time.

But then my whole lifestyle fell apart. Last December, I got sick the day before my graduation party, which I attended anyway. A week went by, and I was still sick. I went to the clinic, and they told me I had COVID. I thought, “No wonder I feel so bad,” and that I’d be fine in a week. That never happened. Since then, I’ve felt sick every day, every damn day. Some days were worse than others, but it was like that 24/7. I went to 20 different doctors, took an absurd number of tests, and no one knew what I had. I spent 11 months like that, with the uncertainty of not knowing what could be wrong. Despite this, I managed to stay relatively patient because I refused to think that whatever I had wouldn’t be curable.

Then a cardiologist gave me my first clue. I had already seen two other cardiologists, but this one specialized in dysautonomia and told me I had all the symptoms of this condition. "Condition" means there’s no cure; you can control it with medication, but it’s not immediate. It’s a process of trial and error, as there are many types of dysautonomia. When I found out a couple of days ago, I honestly didn’t know if my future would be as fantastic as I thought. Now, I’ll never be able to drink recklessly, will have to limit my smoking, will never do MMA again, and just won’t have the energy of a normal person anymore.

And the cherry on top is that just a month ago, I met a girl I felt comfortable with. She stayed at my place four times; I was enjoying the process and looked forward to seeing her each time she left. Then she messaged me saying she didn’t want to meet up as often and wasn’t looking for anything serious. #I am completely defeated by my existence; I can say I’ve hit rock bottom. I don’t know what’s next for me. I haven’t been officially diagnosed yet, but it’s pretty clear what I have since I’ve ruled out most other possibilities.

I don’t know why I’m writing this; maybe it’s because I want someone to listen, or simply to archive my story on the internet. What do you think? What would you recommend? I’m all ears.

By the way, my name is Teo, I was born in the United States but grew up in Chile, and I’m 20 years old. Cheers!

P.S. I understand English perfectly, but writing is hard, so I asked ChatGPT to translate this from Spanish to English. I hope it makes sense.

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Body Modification as a Healing Tool

For those that know me, tattoos are a big part of my life. I have six, now seven with the mushroom pictured below. For years I struggled with body dysphoria as a transgender male and body image issues from abuse and body shaming brought on by relatives. At one point, I even considered being anorexic because the abuse was bad. I still struggle with the abuse and with a lot of shame. I was taught to be perfect but I never will be and it’s about time everyone wakes up to that realization.

Body modification is a way to reclaim my body. It’s a way to say this is mine and I will decorate/modify how I please. It makes me feel unique and like I can express my individuality which was always seen as a negative trait when it’s what makes me most beautiful. I got this mushroom because well I have been smoking a lot of ganja and it brings me, most times, a sense of peace. I also love science fiction stuff and this mushroom looks like it could be straight out of an H. P. Lovecraft story. What are your own unique ways of healing? ❤️‍🩹 #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Bipolar1

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Poltergeist: A Fable

His life was one failure after another until he ended it, once and for all. Or so he thought. Why would a man who couldn’t live successfully die successfully? In the eternal span of milliseconds before he emerged as one of the wretched undead, he wondered what kind of undead he would be. A shambling cliche of a zombie, trapped in the same brain devouring mediocrity that had defined his life? A vampire? Too ridiculous to think that he could be that suave. No blood in the wineglass, pinky tastefully extended for him. He was a guzzler. He wanted to become a revenant, unable to rest until the world shook beneath the fullness of his vengeance. Everyone who had hurt him would join a trail of corpses distinguished by the smoking handprints covering their mouths. Silenced in agony as searing as his silence had been. But that was not to be. He became a poltergeist, but not one strong enough to move furniture about, or even to misplace keys or turn framed photos upside down. Given to him was the power, at the appointed hour of three in the morning, to rustle the blinds. A poor soul awake at that hour would assume the wind did it, but wouldn’t care enough to get up and check the weather report for a mild breeze. So he shuffles impotently through eternity, dreading the advent of polarizing light technology that makes window blinds obsolete, taking away even the small bit of haunting he can do.

Moral: Don’t eat gas station burritos while reading about optical instrument repair and then fall asleep as a Dracula movie transitions to infomercials about window coverings. #Suicide #Depression #MentalHealth #Trauma #PTSD

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On the topic of Addiction

"General population surveys have documented that approximately 75% of individuals with a substance use disorder have experienced trauma at some point in their lives."
-- PubMed Central, National Library of Medicine.

Time and time again, I see comments from people online saying things like:

* People with addictions have no-one to blame but themselves.
* Addiction is a lifestyle choice.
* Addiction only happens to certain kinds of people.
* People with addiction are all criminals.
* People with addiction need tough love. Helping them just enables drug use.
* Addiction medications are just replacing one addiction with another.
* People with addiction are hopeless.
... and on and on it goes.

Statistics show that the vast majority of people with addictions are doing it to self-medicate. Some things, such as some types of illicit drugs, have the additional side effect of feeling good while they're being taken, but my argument is that people don't take them primarily for that reason.

They take them to dull/block out emotional and/or physical pain.

[Aside: I, until 2.5 months ago, used to do the same thing with nicotine, be it smoking and/or vaping. Every time I felt stressed or anxious, I craved nicotine. My body screamed for it. And I would find myself huddled somewhere away from everyone else, puffing away, because smokers are considered pariahs these days.]

Not every form of emotional pain is linked to trauma, but every traumatic backstory leads to emotional pain. It's perfectly understandable to want to kill that pain with whatever you can get your hands on, whatever works. Let's face it; Mindfulness really doesn't help with genuine distress, it helps with mild symptoms.

Tearing into people with addictions helps no-one - *especially* not the person with the addiction. It makes them feel worse than they already do. Don't people realise that the person with the addiction already *knows* they're addicted, and likely wish they weren't?

With seeking help for addictions comes the realisation and reality that once you kick the habit, the feelings you were trying to kill will come flooding back. Often it feels like they come back with a vengeance, to make up lost time, as it were. Quitting an addiction is downright heroic, because you have to face all your inner demons.

That's why addiction centres usually have 28-day programs, full of group and 1:1 therapy sessions. It takes approximately a week for the drugs to leave a person's system (the detox process is usually brutal in and of itself), then they need time and help afterwards. They also need to be among people going through a similar process, for inspiration and support.

[Aside: For anyone interested in the topic of addiction centres, I recommend the movie '28 Days' (not to be mistaken for '28 Days Later', a *very* different genre of movie.) It's a comedy, but does go quite deep into the more serious aspects of addiction. You can rent it through the Google TV or YouTube apps; it used to be available upon Netflix, but they've since removed it.]

Have you noticed the language I have been very careful in using for identification, yet? At no point have I used the word 'addicts'; I have always used the term 'people with addictions'. That is deliberate, as people are not natural addicts. They have addictions. I'm not sure if I believe in the so-called 'addictive gene' theory. I suspect I lean more into the no camp, as I believe the main cause of addiction is trauma, not genetics. That doesn't mean, however, that the two can't be at play, simultaneously. I am open to being wrong.

So the next time you see a person with an addiction, be it out on the street, in a psych ward, or even just looking into your bathroom mirror, think about what might have brought them to that point in their lives, and seek for some compassion and sympathy within yourself. If you're walking, or have walked the addiction path before, you can also try some empathy. It costs nothing, but means everything.

No-one chooses for their life to feel out of their control. They don't choose the tragedies in their past. They don't choose addiction.

#MentalHealth #Addiction #SubstanceRelatedDisorders #SubstanceUseDisorders #PTSD #Trauma #compassion #Sympathy #Empathy #AddictionRecovery #Recovery

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EMOTIONAL FOOD POISONING

And not being appreciated, one of my sauces for noodles was tampered with, I ate it multiple times this week, and cried almost non stop for 6 to 12 hours, its always when I ate this, plus yelled at for my caregiving and smoking, mega yelled at, then family who are Slavic Irish had a two hour heated 100 decible debate about the Slave trade, I have a mtg for another issue but its support, also yelled at when tried to observe sbout linguistics before a lesson I cancelled, incredibly hard week, lots of SI, and on a bus full of Indians, which I take every day, almost trampled trying to give the right of way to a disabled person, however someone got me better food, and I'm grateful, and 3 take out orders in 2 days which we hardly ever eat take out, suspicious, and made ethnic dinner n sandwiches which no one would eat with me, please go easy on my soul, she wants to end it

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It's the last night

Right now I'm outside smoking with some of my friends. It's the last night. Most of us are leaving tomorrow morning. I'm driving with my girlfriend and my friend is driving with my girlfriends husband. I'm hoping to get some more pictures with my friends. It's so humid out. I'm soaked in sweat. I am gonna pack my suitcase tonight. I'm hoping to get Starbarks in the morning. It's bittersweet right now. I'm gonna miss my friends. Luckily I can still talk to them on telegram.

I'm gonna spend the next year working on my partial fursuit. It's a squid symbiote. It's gonna have steampunk goggles. The theme for next year is Renaissance faire. I'm so excited.

#lastnightofcon