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    I sit here smoking reflecting and I say f*ck you 2023 for attempting to destroy me. I learn more about myself everyday no matter if I like it or not, I may have BPD and I’m with that but are the ppl around me… I may be on a self destructive path but we all swerve a lil while driving we all can make something out of nothing…. Just to survive one more day wherever you stay

    2 reactions

    love grows to hate

    I don't know if these feelings of mine are reliable.

    China has been growing economically over the years, but I always feel that China is missing some of the core that has been passed down for thousands of years, maybe it's an idea, or maybe it's something else.

    In the later part of the last century, at least in terms of ideas, there was a tendency for China to recover. But it feels like something killed it in the middle. At least now, it is difficult for China to have a new generation of excellent cultural works (movies, songs, paintings, novels, etc.). Even a large number of good Chinese people no longer stay in China.

    I love my country, but I feel that I have developed a feeling of disgust for it.

    Perhaps it is the freedom that many people need that is being forcibly stifled? For example, no one discusses national administrative events on public networks, for example, the names of national leaders are replaced with "*" in many places, for example, not only can pornography or violence not be shown in films and TV productions, but even smoking scenes are sanctioned.

    But these are the unavoidable and even ordinary things in life!

    13 reactions 3 comments

    Supportive Phonecalls

    Wow what a week, so besides singing my heart out, and smoking which I have to quit now, and cleaning especially yesterday, and eating too much in the night the night before yesterday, and again getting too many groceries and so thinking I'll run to the west coast, and four frat songs that took me back, and two times a drink, I am now sensible mom again, oh and being in love with thousands of college students or post college students, and of course as I mentioned listening to every hippy, college and 99 song known to man woman and child, I had 2 friend phone calls, the first one went well til she told me she had substance issues, it's not the first time this has happened, I turn it in on me and end up saying oh no not me, I'm so sorry that happened to you but I don't really understand, then yesterday an old friend, whom I miss cause they represent the old days, simpler times, and all


    Hopefully tonight I can sleep please????

    So I've done everything to the sleep timetable even quit smoking early and putting phone down. Hopefully combination with çouple of prescriptions I may get some sleep... please? #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #exhausted #stuckinthepast

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    8 tips to manage an IBS flare-up


    1. Avoid high-FODMAP foods

    It's difficult to know what foods to eat with an IBS flare up, with foods that are high in ‘FODMAPS’ (small carbohydrate molecules that cause bacteria in the gut to release gas) often triggering IBS symptoms. A diet low in FODMAPs reduces symptoms of IBS in most people.

    To calm an IBS flare-up, avoid high-FODMAP foods such as:

    -Fructans (a fructose molecule that stores carbohydrates): such as garlic, onion, wheat, rye, and broccoli

    -Oligosaccharides (a type of carbohydrate): such as chickpeas, lentils, tofu, and beans

    -Lactose and dairy: Such as cow’s milk, yogurt, and ice-cream

    -Fructose (fruit sugar): such as apples, mangoes, watermelon, and honey

    -Polyols (naturally occurring sugar alcohols): such as nectarines, peaches, plums, cauliflower, and mushrooms

    2. Try gut-directed hypnotherapy

    You might not have heard of hypnotherapy as a treatment for health conditions, but it’s been proven to help IBS symptoms and can even treat other conditions such as chronic pain or smoking addiction. In hypnotherapy, you are gently brought into a relaxed and focused state, where you then use visualizations and suggestions to improve your gut-brain connection. It's one of the best natural remedies for IBS flare ups and requires no drugs or diets to see results.

    A recent study showed that gut-directed hypnotherapy is equally effective as the low-FODMAP diet in reducing IBS symptoms—which is good news for people wanting to improve their symptoms without overhauling their diet and lifestyle. Gut-directed hypnotherapy has been shown to significantly reduce symptoms of IBS in over 50% of people. You can try gut-directed hypnotherapy by visiting a gut-directed hypnotherapist or using a mobile app like Nerva (based on this recent study).

    3. Reduce stress

    Stress can worsen symptoms of a flare-up because of the gut-brain connection (literally a chemical connection between your gut and brain). This is why relaxation techniques that work for the mind can also help calm the gut. Two common ways to reduce stress and episodes of IBS are:

    -Mindfulness meditation: Meditation can calm the mind and the gut. In several studies, meditation was shown to lower gut symptoms of pain and bloating. Researchers believe this is due to reducing pain signals that can cause a flare-up of IBS symptoms.

    -Yoga: Yoga is a mind and body practice that combines breathing with movement. In adolescents, it has been shown to reduce symptoms of IBS and anxiety.

    4. Try peppermint oil

    Peppermint oil is a herbal supplement that has been used as a natural remedy for centuries. It has been approved by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) for the treatment of IBS and is well supported by evidence from clinical studies. Peppermint oil is a great natural remedy for an IBS flare-up.

    The active ingredient in peppermint oil is menthol, which has a cooling effect. Menthol dulls pain receptors and relaxes the muscles of the colon. Peppermint oil can help reduce pain, bloating, and constipation and has even been shown to be more effective than antispasmodics in relieving overall symptoms of IBS.

    5. Reduce caffeine intake

    Coffee and other sources of caffeine may worsen symptoms of IBS during a flare-up. Even without IBS, caffeine is known to have a laxative effect on the body with diarrhea being a common side-effect of overconsumption. One study showed coffee-drinkers were 50% more likely to develop IBS than those who did not drink coffee.

    It’s best to avoid caffeine during a flare-up. Try cutting out all forms of caffeine—this means teas, soft drinks, coffee, and chocolate—and watch for any changes in your symptoms.

    6. Heat therapy

    Heat therapy is a traditional home remedy for pain and offers a gentler approach than taking medications when your stomach is already upset.

    Heat therapy works by reducing blood flow to relax the muscles of the abdomen. It has been shown to relieve certain kinds of back pain more effectively than ibuprofen and is a good choice for treating pain in IBS.

    7. Exercise

    Increasing your levels of exercise may provide relief from an IBS episode. Exercise helps relieve your symptoms as it can stimulate normal contractions of the intestines while also reducing stress.

    You can refer to this:

    1 reaction

    How do you calm psychogenic tremors?

    Therapy: Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can help you identify anxiety triggers and practice grounding techniques to stay calm. Therapy provides you with support while you deal with the uncertainties around essential tremor.

    Exercise: Not only can exercise improve your mood, but it can also reduce your stress.

    Avoid alcohol: Alcohol is a depressant and can worsen anxiety.

    Avoid smoking and coffee: Nicotine and caffeine are both stimulants that tend to make anxiety worse.

    Sleep: Getting enough sleep is another important step that can help you manage your anxiety. Sleep is critical for helping your body and brain function at optimal levels.

    #ADHD #Autism #psychogenictremors #bpdworld #Depression

    2 reactions 1 comment

    Food, Broken Heart and Drinking?

    I have always been an active person, was up til 5 doing laundry and dishes, so I ate in the night and all day, someone ordered expensive take out I didn't want after making myself a potato in the microwave and pad thai, and the hugest swearing fight with my daughter ensued cause I said no minutes before I paid at the door, like she was the R song, shit, no, isn't it about activism, so then I retreat to a Sinatra song, but not really cause taken by every Lilith song known to man, including Ani, and ended 13's with Wide World, cause that is what you do, when you are me, and Van, Zac Brown and Cowboy Junkies, at which point fight ensued about W is Wide which it is, however at least I crossed the block to y.., then Tori left my relationship and every song had something wrong with it so I found solace in Norah not Sarah or Jewel this time, and of course food, cause you always need a feta sandwich after s, with the other one who yelled about the firewood money, do you want to know more, so yeah, thousands of white shirts in all sizes got washed which got me thinking that me and my slow dryer should wash all the shirts of all the boys on my street, instead of smoking it would be something to do, so yeah it's drink, brood or eat, and I've been healthily eating all year, until yesterday, and some intermittent days like it, and am completely disillusioned, and have no idea what my resolution could be considering I've quit two vices in a week and a half, one just yesterday so I will probably re start that one, and looking for love in all the wrong places, which is a song, Po Girls, oh did I mention Ani, ok, so I read four books, and now have to figure out what happens in The Flower Murderer, which is really a book, and yes I watered them, and considering I every day have 9000 steps by noon, while most people have 5000 when they are working out, is that true, and what is an appropriate heart beat for just housework and 50 trips an hour up the stairs, and should my kid have a kitchen and fridge in her 2 by 2 cm room, and why is there a tv playing John Denver above the clutter mountain in the 2 by 2 cm room my husband has in the biggest house I've ever known, I mean had, I mean ow, and how did Stella get her grove back, was it by drinking Artois, they're all a thing of beauty, and why can't I get the guard off the electric hand held saw for some fire logs, and why do the gods of Caledon make their men so hot and unattainable, if that was not the case I'd have firewood, does any one else have this life, did any one else have this life, no dogs you cannot come in, the snow is not cold and you may eat a dead bunny, health resolution 101, don't get hung up on the men inside my head, eat healthily, drink less, smoke in a timely manner much less, sit down, yet get all the chores done, don't cry in bookstores or the library, switch my daughter with Brad Pitt, open the dog door which is man bolted, be a Lilith, make a freind, stick to one step R, write less long posts, stop romanticizing, and all in all be someone completely else, and maybe this year save up for a gym membership, to which I can walk in the freezing cold, get my licence, and get rid of the bs that happenned on the way to the church group in August, oh and as lovely and echoey romantic as my head feels at 10 30 in the afternoon please f'ing stop that, Privacy inside my head please, Love love blah blah love blah

    1 comment

    My father relapsed...hard. How can I help him through this? (super long, but needed to understand the context)

    My father is 50 years old & has been dealing with substance & alcohol abuse since his early 20s.

    He was able to kick his cocaine habit 19 years ago, but that's also when his drinking took on a whole new form.

    When he's sober, he's a loving & kind man, proud to be a single father, creative & charismatic. He could easily befriend anyone & you'd find it difficult to point out a flaw. When he's drunk however, I shamefully admit that he is the worst person you could have the misfortune of coming across. He becomes aggressive, impulsive & chaotic. He spews nasty & hurtful insults towards everyone in the house as he stomps & stumbles back & forth through out, slamming some things while breaking others. He calls family members to insult us & them while proclaiming his greatness. If I didn't eventually learn how to keep my distance & block him out during his binges, I think we would've fought a lot more than we already have (yes, it's gotten so bad I had to literally fight him).

    Thankfully, we have a very honest & profound relationship. We've talked several times about his childhood traumas, his ambitions, his failures, how these could be underlying causes for his alcoholism & how professional help could be a main tool for him to get sober.

    These are conversations we've had since I was 10, but for some reason it only sparked something in him last year. He went from drinking all day everyday to not touching a single glass of alcohol. He started reading a new book every week, learning about & working on wood carving projects. He started budgeting his disability checks, saving up money & paying for driving classes to get his license back. He started caring about himself & his image. He was doing amazing, more than amazing, he was perfect. He was finally being the father & man I would cry & beg for as a child, but something happened.

    I wasn't there, so I really am clueless as to exactly what went down & how, but he left with my grandmother to run errands & I stayed at home caring for my grandfather. Normally, the roles would be reversed, but since he had a driving class, we switched roles that day & I regret it so much.

    He came back 2 hours later SHAKING with anger. He walked around in circles chain smoking cigarettes in the backyard, yelling about how my grandmother is ungrateful, incapable of loving, she's the devil, disgusts him, makes him sick, the list went on & on. I thought if I tried talking to him, he'd calm down but he would just turn on me instead. He yelled at me about how my grandmother said disgusting things about him, myself & our overall existence & relationship in this family. He then went to his kitchen, grabbed all items my grandmother ever bought & proceeded to throw them in the trash.

    Mind you, he's completely sober up until now. Not a drop of alcohol.

    The yelling & chain smoking cigarettes/walking in circles thing goes on for a while. I'm trying to talk him down still the whole time all of this is going on. He's ranting & ranting when he finishes with "then she doesn't want me to drink?! how?! HOW?!". I just stared at him, told him I loved him & though I know it's hard, it would mean the world to me if he didn't cave in & drink.

    Big mistake.


    This is the first time in my 29 years of life that me telling my father something like this brought out hatred & rage. I can normally calm him down, give him a hug & he remembers that his daughter loves him & all is well.

    He threw his cigarette on the ground, grabbed his bike & left. He came back hours later, completely intoxicated, drenched from the rain & you could smell him from a mile away.

    This was 3 days ago & this whole situation has been on loop since. I found more than 7 empty bottles of red & port wine on our kitchen table today, where he insists they stay so "our family can have something to talk about". He's been stomping in & out of the house, slamming doors, spewing insults, the list goes on but none of these are what worries me.

    He came in my room the 1st day, talking about leaving. He's done this before, so I thought he was just venting. After making sure he made it to bed at night, I relaxed & didn't think much of it... but he brought it up again the 2nd day, a lot & in more detail, though very broad & secretive with said details.

    I've been really worried as to what "leaving" means to him, so even though he hates me right now, I've been trying to get him to talk about it.

    He's super incoherent, so a lot of my attempts to talk are met with insults, a cold shoulder or non-related answers, most not even directed towards me but possible "spirits or people he may see"? (he hasn't said this himself, but his behaviour suggests he feels other people around him, as his speech & behaviour isn't that of someone talking to themselves, but to others).

    He says he's "not disappearing to commit suicide, but he wants to be left alone to travel by bus & visit certain family friends", mentioning a family friend that actually lives a mere 15 minutes away, so it makes no sense. He's been sticking to this reason for the past 3 days, altering it slightly but I still don't have a good feeling about this. The only times he's approached me with some sort of coherency was to give me what's left of his money saying "it isn't much, so save it", telling me how & when he does certain household tasks & to remind me he "won't be a bother for much longer".

    I've told my aunt (his sister) & she thinks it's another breakdown & he's acting out the way he normally does but something feels different to me, I don't know why.

    Could anyone possibly give me any advice with this situation?

    #Addiction #Alcoholism #Suicide #Depression #Delusions

    5 reactions 3 comments

    Competitive Sport

    By no means am I blaming football for my mental health problems. I have fond memories of playing sport and being part of a team/organisation. I was gifted with the ball and excelled on the pitch.

    It was my father who ruined my experience. It was not enough for my father to simply appreciate that his son was capable of running, jumping and kicking a ball. He brought along a competitive spirit that was not only embarrassing but toxic.

    I was skillful but I was not a naturally gifted athlete with any attributes that made me excel far beyond my years. I was playing in the year above and starting in the team but again this was not enough for my father who expected me to excel in the squad. I lacked in stature and athletic ability (speed mostly) and this would eventually lead to difficulties towards the end of my playing days.

    If I ever get around to having kids, I will think long and hard before enrolling them in to a competitive sport / environment. The problem with competitive sport is it breeds a mindset based on results. The schooling system is also guilty of this. I would like this post to focus on the issue of sports although I also experienced major issues at school.

    There is an argument for competitive sport but my overall consensus is it did me more harm than good. The need to be the best always critiquing how I played, never being satisfied and the game forever playing on my mind. For something that gave me very little it is very taxing on the psyche.

    My team disbanded and I was forced to join a new team in a more difficult league for which I was not prepared. The game was no longer fun and became serious business with everyone trying to make it to the senior squad where money was involved.

    It was a combination of life getting in the way of my dream of becoming a footballer and my own poor life choices. It takes a very strong willed individual to ignore the lights, girls & music and focus solely on the game. You need to be wiling to sacrifice for the sport. When I gave up on football, I started to experience identity issues as I felt the game made me who I was.

    My dad only wanted the best for me, so when I started to act out and started to steal it was a shock to him and he didn't know how to handle my behaviour.

    It wasn't until I stopped playing football and realised that the game had left me feeling empty and took a lot away from me. It also left me with a competitive streak that I sought to satisfy elsewhere. I felt deep sadness that my own stupid decisions had ruined my dream of becoming a footballer.

    In my later years I have trouble agreeing to be part of a team, group or association. Football is not the sole reason for this but adds to my mental problems associated with gang mentality. It also brings out an us against them mentality which I don't want anything to do with. Keeping to myself has brought on its own challenges and I fight with negative emotions most of the time as I come to terms with who I am.

    #self #Myself #Individual #Fear #solely #Responsible #scared #groups #people #Smoking #Drugs #Addiction #Drinking #gangs #ME #Sport #cutthroat #toxicmasculinity #goingout #lights #Music #Addiction #Depression #isolated #nobody #bymyself #Girls #Identity #competition #NotGoodEnough #best #First #winning #Success #failure #defeat #bottom #Fights #Life #Death #alone

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