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Good things with bad connection

I used to love taking showers. Now I take showers either because I'm going out the next day or because I had a #PanicAttacks . Consider that I only leave my apartment 3x per month unless I have appointments... So most of my showers are from panic attack. I scrub my face raw, I wash my hair 3x and scrape my scalp until I'm comfortable with it. I scrub my hands and under my nails, or whatever is left of my nails.

Tonight I took a shower cuz I'm going out at 10am to get groceries. Unfortunately I'm having some unpleasant after effects. I'm sweating a lot. Like rivers of sweat pouring down my neck and legs. This always happens after I shower because of a panic attack. But I feel fine.

I'm very stressed out. I decided to quit smoking cold turkey. At least that's the goal. I've tried cold turkey so many times in the last 2 years. And I'm happy smoking my cigarettes and sipping my coffee and listening to music and talking to my friends... But my girlfriend doesn't like cigarettes. She has legit reasons. And I want her to be happy. I don't want her to be repulsed by me smoking. So I have till August to quit. Let me make myself perfectly clear... I am without what makes me calm during stressful time. I am without what keeps me comfortable with my trash heap life. And I'm probably gonna be much more depressed, anxious, and sad than normal. This is one of those moments when I wish I could be locked in a room for a month without cigarettes.

I drank 2 16oz cups of IQ Joe today. I didn't get the jitters or crash. I felt good enough today... until 2 hours ago. But I'm going to try to drink more IQ Joe for the next week. I have 3 fourths of the bag of sticks left. If I do 2 per day then I got roughly 10 days left. I decided I prefer the vanilla spice flavor better than the mocha.

I've got art group tomorrow afternoon. I'm gonna do a project of my own. It involves folding a piece of paper in half and drawing your name across the fold and then cutting around your name. When you unfold it, it's time to use your imagination to decide what the shape is! When I was in 3rd grade I got to teach my class how to do this project and it was so much fun.

#check #CheckInWithMe

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I don't have any cigarettes. Nor do I have any funds for cigarettes. Even if I had funds, my back is bad today so I can't walk to the store. And I'm trying not to bother my neighbor for a cigarette.

The rest of my funds is for food.

Tomorrow is art group. There is a dollar store within walking distance to where I will be. I usually get 6 packs on art day. But not this time. At least I hope I don't crack and buy some.

I've tried cold turkey 7 times in 4 years. I never make it to a month. And honestly I really don't want to quit smoking. But my need to not disgust my girlfriend is stronger.


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I'm new here!

Hi, my name is Marsha I'm here because I am a addict I'm really trying to get off the drug,I'm a child a recovering addict.Let me start by saying that I'm powerless to the drug hopefully I'm wording this correctly but I'm not going to lie I smoke crack cocaine I'm 46 years old I've been a addict for almost 20 years started snorting cocaine and then when fentanyl came around I started smoking cocaine because I was to afraid of my son coming home and finding me dead or laid out oding because someone gave me fentanyl instead of cocaine and plus alot of other people in my circle got caught up or died from getting the wrong stuff but anyway I consider myself a functional addict because I maintain I'm not in the streets I have a home and a 22 years old son who plays semi pro football I'm a damn good mother never miss a game always there for other I never put the drug I'm just tired now I don't want to do this anymore I want Marsha back I don't want to be Na Na more to me I feel as if it mind over matter but I got withdrawals when I don't get hi I mean sick so the crack wins because I have to get a little hit so I can stop throwing up for my chest to stop hurting I just want to get better I admit I'm a addict I'm new to this what should I do to help me control the sickness and not smoke because I'm in pain I sware I don't want to be on drugs anymore

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I get pressure from everyone

Everyone in my life has been pressuring me to quit smoking. My mom, my doctor, my ex, my girlfriend. And yes I know smoking is gross and maladaptive. It's also helping me calm down when I'm home alone with no friends available to get together and my girlfriend lives 8 goddamn hours s away and I'm doing the best I can but without cigarettes I'm twitching and sniffing for butts in ashtrays And the anxiety without them and the depression. Cigarettes are like a familiar friend. Sometimes they are my only friend. I don't know if I'll ever make it past one week without a smoke. I can't even handle 3 days. I don't know what it's gonna take.


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Tell me it gets easier...

I ran out of cigarettes 2 days ago. I have been smoking butts from my ashtray. Today I bummed one from my neighbor. I keep telling myself that I can handle the walk to go get more but my body needs to rest. I don't have plans to leave my apartment until next Tuesday. I have art group on Tuesday next week and there's a dollar store in the shopping plaza within walking distance. I'll get more cigarettes on Tuesday. I am gonna be meditating a lot for the next 6 days. Wish me luck cuz damn I really need it.


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Down the rabbit hole

’Twas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the borogrove. I’m sorry Mr Dodgson but I can’t see our readers making any more sense of this than I do. What for instance are slithy toves and why are they gyring and gimbling in the borogrove, wherever that is? I can’t see them waiting with bated breath for the next instalment. Oh, it’s just a poem, a follow up to your white rabbit falling down a rabbit hole, with a girl called Alice. I see. Yes I remember it. Not as confusing as this lot but bizarre enough I’ll grant you.

Tell me, now I’ve got you on the telephone, do you have any mental health issues I should know about? Are you a serious drug user? No, you’re an Oxford don with a reputation in mathematics. You do have a health issue though – migraines. It does cause visual disturbances you say, including making things seem microscopic and macroscopic. You’ve lost me. Oh, bigger or smaller than they are in real life, like in Gulliver’s Travels – Liliputian or Brobdigian. No? Spell it for me. Brob-dig-nag-i-an. I get it now. This Jonathan Swift, a friend of yours? Oh, he’s dead. Did he get migraines like you? You don’t know. Sounds like a rum coincidence if not.

So what else do you have in store for us? Another poem you say? Only this one is about a walrus and a carpenter, talking to oysters just before eating them, then wallowing in mock guilt. Sounds a jolly jape, unless you’re an oyster. Are you sure you’re not smoking wacky-baccy or taking something stronger? No, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to impugn your reputation. Oh you weren’t offended. That’s good then.

By the way what is this Mock Turtle character? You do know that there is no such thing in real life? Artistic licence. I see. I suppose it was like that knight out to kill a mythical creature, you mentioned earlier. And what is this Hunting the Snark you intend writing as a follow up, when you finish the next Alice adventure? Down the rabbit hole and now through the mirror - chess pieces replaced by cards; running on the spot to stay in the same place. You intellectuals and your imagination! Are you sure you’re not on drugs? Sorry, sorry I really didn’t mean to upset you but I am sure you can see my point of view. This is all so strange for a nuts and bolts publisher like me.

Anyway thanks for having this conversation with me. My secretary will be in touch with you, with regards to your new contract. Carry on the good work!’

He puts down the phone.

‘What are people coming to nowadays?’


Today is definitely a day. Yup. Can I get a refund?

Yeah. My neighbor brought me a cigarette and told me that knocking on her door and asking for a cigarette doesn't work for her. I brought her a box of squiggly noodles cuz I don't eat pasta. I simply asked her if she had any cigarettes and she said no so I said ok sorry for bothering you, have a nice day. I always try to be polite and courteous. I offered to buy her a pack of cigarettes on Wednesday but she told me to use the money for myself.

Truth is, I don't have many friends in Michigan and all of them are at least a half hour away from me. So I got excited to have a new friend. Remember, I'm a puppy. And my ilk are pack animals. I don't have a pack. I have a girlfriend that I love dearly and she told me that she wishes she was local to me so I would never be alone. Which is sweet but not realistic. I'm not moving out of Michigan. I finally got stable and happy. Mostly happy.

Ok maybe I'm not happy. I thought I could convince myself if I said it enough times. It didn't work.#relation #MentalHealth #Smoking #lonely

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Struggling but still getting through it

The cravings are pretty bad but not as bad as they usually are. When I get a strong craving I close my eyes and listen to music and turn off my head. It's very relaxing. It has been helpful. Yesterday I only smoked one cigarette and today I have smoked about 2/3rd of one. #CheerMeOn #Smoking

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Today can be less today ish . Until 4 hours ago I thought today was Saturday. It's going by so slowly. I keep struggling with craving cigarettes so I've been meditating more frequently to calm down. It seems to be working. Yesterday I made one whole cigarette last for 3 hours. I have been smoking butts from the ashtray but I finally ran out of them. I dumped all of the ashtrays in the garbage. If I can hold on til Wednesday I will be ok. I can get more without having to order a Lyft. I'll buy 5 packs. I'm really craving but I'm trying my hardest. My girlfriend really hates cigarettes and I want to be healthy. So I'm doing it for us. But I m going to make 5 packs last for the rest of the month. Yeah I'll be ok. I just gotta...

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Unexpected Sobriety

Part 1 of 2 I never thought I’d get sober. I had resigned myself to the life of addiction. I was 28 years old and had been trying to stop using drugs and alcohol for about eight years. I had started drinking when I was 12 and doing drugs when I was 13. It was fun at that time. Honestly it was fun for years. There were consequences every once in a while but the pleasure I derived from drinking and using drugs far outweighed them.

Partying became my identity. My grades were good, my relationships were relatively stable, and I was excelling in athletics. I prided myself in being able to to party all night, compete at a Division I level athletically, and still manage to have great grades. I convinced myself I was simply built different that others.

All that changed when I was 20. Suddenly the consequences started to become more and more severe. I overdosed, lost my scholarship, kicked out of college, long time girlfriend finally had enough and left. I was devastated, my family was traumatized from finding their son unresponsive. Once released from the hospital, my parents put me on lockdown at the house. They had seen their son most die and were terrified and blindsided. I detoxed cold turkey (something I later learned is dangerous and potentially deadly, we’ll cover that in a separate post), another experience l’m sure was painful for my parents to watch. I emerged resolute to change things. I enrolled in community college to get some credits, determined to get my education back on track. I started working out again. I figured I could get back in shape so I could get a scholarship at another college after this “reset” semester.

Drug detox rehab Tennessee

I had given up on myself completely

After a couple of weeks my parents eased up and loosened the leash. They saw I was truly remorseful and motivated to make a change. Things were looking up. Despite no earlier intention of resuming my drinking and drug use, I began again. It started small. I figured I could buy a pint of gin on the way home from class at the community college and drink it discreetly at night, just one time. It immediately became a nightly ordeal. But it was just a pint, and I was still doing all the things I needed to throughout the day. I justified it and no one around me was any wiser. Of course it didn’t stop there. A pint became two. Then i started smoking a little bit of weed again. Harmless right? I was still functioning well and relatively happy, at least outwardly. I think deep down I knew the escalation was coming, but I pushed that deep down. I’m good at that, fooling myself into thinking I have things under control. Soon I’m getting pain pills dropped off at my parents house. The weak ones, so what’s the big deal? Then I start doing a little coke. Then a lot of coke. Then a lot of pills. Then a lot of pills combined with coke, booze, and weed. Finally I break and start buy xanax, something I swore I wouldn’t touch again no

matter what. My favorite (and most destructive) mix of Xanax, pain pills and some sort of uppers becomes the daily goal. Im still lying to myself, saying this is is just a little fun hiatus and I’ll stop any day now. It was a daily occurrence almost immediately. Its no surpise that my life started falling apart again at a rapid pace. And this became the cycle. I’d fall off the deep end, there would be some major event that would shake me up, I’d try to pull my life back together with genuine remorse and determination. I would pull myself out of the hole just enough to convince myself that I could manage my drinking and drug use. I’d over time slip deep back into the life of addiction and pain. My bottom would be get deeper and darker everytime. I’ll go into detail more about the next 8 years years in a different article. By the time I was 28 I was completely broken. I would attempt to control my drinking and drug use but I had abandoned the idea I’d ever be able to completely stop. I’d given up hope of a life of sobriety. I couldnt conceive a life without some kind of substance to help me get through the day.

On one very confrontational day I was strong armed by family into detoxing then going to a rehab. At the time I was furious at my loved ones. I was sure it was a waste of time and money. I wanted to be left alone to drink and drug myself to an early grave. I intended to smile through the 30 days of treatment and go right back to the only life I knew. Luckily something unexpected and beautiful happened during those 30 days.

I’ll cover the details of my rehab/detox experience in a different post.

I never thought sobriety was possible for me. But with the help of others I was able to do what I thought was impossible, get sober and stay sober. Despite having no faith in myself or the concept of recovery, a miracle happened.

If you’r

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