It’s hard to write when you’re pretending you don’t feel.
I told my therapist I don’t feel and she told me I’m lying to myself. So perhaps I’m pretending not to feel. I’m shutting down. I’m blocking as best I can. But I know this will only hinder my progress.
I need to feel.
I noticed something today.
I noticed a few things today.
But this will be about the one.
Maybe I’ll write about the other another time.
I realized that one of my core beliefs is completely broken. Most of my core beliefs are slowly breaking. And this one wasn’t any different.
I believed no one could love me because I was inherently unlovable.
Because I didn’t deserve love.
Because I was too broken.
I believed maybe people thought they loved me, but when they really got to know me they’d see the truth about me. And they’d run.
Maybe because I’ve always wanted to run from myself.
I had the help of others.
They loved me hard. They loved me when I couldn’t love myself. They loved me in my best and my worst times. They saw the most vulnerable parts of me.
And they didn’t leave.
And I learned I can be loved.
I learned that even when I’m breaking down and hurting myself, I can still be loved.
I learned that even when I feel too needy, I can still be loved.
I learned that even when I feel so much shame I want to disappear, I can still be loved.
I am still loved.
Not only can I be loved, I am even lovable.
There’s a quality about me that people are drawn to.
There’s good in me, and people actually see it.
And love me for it.
Even when I’m not that way.
Even when I’m not okay.
And breaking that core belief feels so freeing.