I used to be a cheerleader when I was a child. when the depression hit when I was 12 years old my life was consumed with self hatredhatred- and hatred in general. I hated "preps", cheerleaders, people who seemed to have it all together. I coughed outside of Abercrombie and Fitch in the mall because the "prep perfumes" would overwhelm me. I hated everything I was and deep down, I was jealous. why couldn't I be happy? why couldn't I cheer and have that perfect lifestyle?
I began to sing around that age. and while it wasnt cheering, it gave me solace. I was 7 years classically trained in opera. I was a musical theater geek, full ride to a liberal arts college in New Jersey. and yet... the depression still took over. the panic attacks and manic nights consumed my life freshman year. I came back home to Texas and struggled for 4 more years just to get my associates degree in arts. I feel so far behind my peers that I graduated high school with.
and I have no one to blame but myself. I held myself back with years of depression and self-hatred. I'm tired of holding myself back, even now at 23. I wasted so much time being depressed, time I cant get back.
so now... I'm choosing joy. I'm choosing to be happy despite my bipolar depression, despite having lupus. I'm going to work to be healthier, happier, more outgoing, confident. Me. I'm choosing to be a cheerleader for myself and my life. #CheerYourselfOn #CheerMeOn #BipolarDepression #Depression #Selfblame #Selfhate