commitment

If you haven't read my other articles or seen my webinar on Grass Is Greener Syndrome, they are on my website. A new book on Grass Is Greener Syndrome is also coming soon.

Grass Is Greener Syndrome is a deeply complex issue that leaves people perpetually moving from one relationship -- or job, career, place to live, or otherwise -- to the next. It feels like you are never able to fully settle down or feel truly fulfilled where you are, at least for more than brief periods of time. It can be torture for people who truly long to be settled and creating intimate, deep, and meaningful relationships that can grow over time. Even when in longer term relationships of different kinds, people with grass is greener struggles can often feel almost continuously like they have one foot out the door and are looking for what they're missing out on.

Grass Is Greener Syndrome combines a variety of struggles into one place -- including, but not limited to, issues with perfectionism, commitment, intimacy, fear of missing out, anxiety, and more (though there is more to it than just different issues happening side-by-side). By the time people experience the symptoms of the grass is greener cycle having a noticeable life impact, it's usually been building for a long period of time.

Fulfillment is Anywhere But "Here"

It takes a whole book to really lay out all that happens in Grass Is Greener Syndrome, which will be released shortly, so I won't go into everything here. For this post, I'm focusing on the meaning of the "next" relationship, which is one of the common traits of Grass Is Greener Syndrome.

It can be difficult to feel happy and fulfilled in the present with this struggle, meaning the satisfaction you desire may seem to usually be waiting wherever you are not. When people struggle with the grass is greener cycle, it often feels like the "next" relationship (or career, place, etc.) is going to have everything you've been looking for. This mindset causes people to fall into a pattern of ending relationships, starting over in various situations in life repeatedly, feeling the present isn't good enough and the better situation they are missing out on is waiting elsewhere.

With the grass is greener struggle, it can often feel like the search has never ended -- except for when the present relationship is at its brightest green grass. Brand new, shiny, and when nothing has started to fade and turn color yet. You're excited, euphoric, hopeful, happy, eager, motivated, connected, etc. This is when the relationship is at its most ideal.

The Green Grass Starts to Fade and the Fear of Missing Out

Once the day-to-day relationship starts to take over and the euphoria starts to fade a bit from the new, this often becomes unsettling for the person with grass is greener struggles. While someone who doesn't experience grass is greener struggles may experience this as a normal shift that relationships make, someone who struggles in the grass is greener mindset will usually experience this shift as an indicator that the relationship isn't right anymore. It may feel like the relationship has turned bad, or that something is "wrong" with it now that the honeymoon is over. As a result, all of the other options on the outside start to suddenly look really good and draw you away from the present.

This is where people often fear they are missing out on something better. The present is no longer perfect and euphoric. The relationship has flaws and disappointments now, more work is expected than hoped, your needs are possibly starting to feel neglected in certain areas, and the struggles are taking more space than the good feelings.

Chasing the Fantasy

With Grass is Greener Syndrome, it can often be difficult to distinguish the fantasy from the reality. There is the desire for an ideal. It may not only be an ideal image in mind, but potentially an ideal feeling that is being chased -- and it feels attainable. The complex part is that it may even be temporarily attainable. However, it is generally the case in Grass Is Greener Syndrome that the ideal fantasy doesn't last. The image of perfection, the greenest grass, somehow is only there for a short period of time before the rest of the grass is greener cycle takes over (the cycle is discussed more in detail in the upcoming book).

It becomes greatly difficult for many people who struggle with Grass Is Greener Syndrome to settle down, even if they truly want to settle down. It ends up feeling like if they commit in their present reality that they will lose the greater dream, the fantasy will be gone and they will end up in a state of depression, hopeless and defeated in life with nothing to look forward to anymore. Anxiety often starts to take over, and in the active grass is greener state (there is also a passive grass is greener state), the "next" person, job, or place becomes the hope to keep the ideal dream (the fantasy image) alive. It feels like it's either one, or the other.

Moving Forward

But, what happens when the "next" keeps turning up similar results as the previous? This is often when people contact me to start addressing their grass is greener struggles. People often find themselves becoming highly anxious even to the point of panic attacks, struggling to choose between starting over with the "next", or feeling they're going to settle for less in the present. A bit of a spoiler alert: making the issue about choosing one or the other usually plays right into the grass is greener pattern, only strengthening the cycle. While sometimes change is really what's needed, resolving Grass Is Greener Syndrome is generally about undoing the cycle.

It is possible to overcome Grass Is Greener Syndrome. If you've noticed yourself struggling with starting over repeatedly, having a foot out the door of your relationships, or having a hard time with fulfillment, it may be worthwhile to look into help to start moving forward.

#grassisgreenersyndrome #grassisgreener #Anxiety #MentalHealth #perfectionism #commitment #Relationships

If you've struggled with grass is greener syndrome, or even if you wonder if you do, you'll likely recognize the repeated urge to start over that shows up in this cycle. Grass is greener syndrome is a complex pattern that plays out through repeatedly looking for something better, thinking you've found it, and then eventually ending up disappointed and unsatisfied again, leading to starting over again and again. It can be a really painful and defeating cycle that often leaves people feeling hopeless and out of control of meaningful parts of their lives.

People in this cycle can often struggle to commit, to settle down, and to really truly put both feet in the door. At first, it is common to feel all-in with a relationship, or a career, where to live, or otherwise. However, this all-in state only lasts so long as things stay perfect in the current situation. Once things start to change and the grass starts to fade a little, the disillusionment isn't far behind.

People who struggle with grass is greener syndrome often may feel a combination of getting in their own way, while also feeling like nothing is good enough to meet their needs (or that something is, but they just can't seem to find it).

The Craving to Start Over

There is something about the fresh start, the constantly starting over, that feels so euphoric and revitalizing for a person in this cycle. The new beginning after the breakup always begins with such a sense of hope. However, not necessarily in the way that a new beginning would often feel hopeful for someone generally starting a new job or a new relationship, or moving to a new place. When in the grass is greener cycle, starting over is more similar to feeding someone who was on the verge of dying of starvation. Or giving someone oxygen who was just about out of air.

To be fair, sometimes everyone can feel this way. Not everyone who feels hopeful and excited for a new job or relationship is struggling with grass is greener tendencies. What separates grass is greener syndrome is the repetitive cycle. That the disappointment with the relationship, the feeling of not good enough, and looking for the shiny new option seems to keep coming back around -- even often to the detriment of an otherwise positive relationship. In the grass is greener cycle, the new thing never stays good enough, it seems. It doesn't matter how wonderful the new relationship was at first, it eventually goes the way of the others. And each time, it leaves more defeat, frustration, hopelessness, and maybe even depression as a result (often leading to decision-making paralysis).

The Grass is Greener Syndrome Cycle

The overall grass is greener cycle is complex, and there is a lot that happens within it (more than can go into this article). Without getting too technical, some might believe that the grass is greener cycle starts at the beginning of the new relationship where everything is euphoric and in the honeymoon stage for a period of time. However, the beginning of the cycle is when you feel the first disappointment or letdown in the new relationship. The moment where the honeymoon ends and you start to realize that this relationship (or career, etc), isn't going to stay perfect. This relationship isn't going to avoid the feelings of disappointment either, or the difficulties, or the deprived feelings that have come up previously each time.

This is the moment that the cycle starts really starts to take hold. If nothing else, the euphoric new beginning is always the temporary reprieve from the grasp of the cycle (though, really, it still is part of the cycle -- in a somewhat similar way that an abuse cycle can still have a reconciliation or honeymoon-ish phase after an incident). Once the disappointments come in, this is where the internal battle starts. The feeling that where you are now isn't good enough, the feeling that you're being deprived of important needs that you can't live without. And, as a result, you start doubting where you are, looking around again for the new option that will get it right next time.

Is it Possible to Tame Grass is Greener Patterns?

While people often come to me feeling helpless and hopeless to put an end to this cycle, I've seen many people come through the other side of it. It's important to be aware that grass is greener syndrome is not simply a commitment issue, even though difficulty with commitment is one symptom of the greater issue. Where people often go wrong in trying to overcome grass is greener syndrome is that they often try to "just commit" to a situation, hoping that this, and a strong sense of discipline, will resolve the issue. The problem, however, is that ultimately the deeper patterns, such as the deep feelings of deprivation and disappointment, to name a couple, generally become intolerable, and eventually it consumes the well-intended decision to commit to the situation. This leads to the constantly starting over, no matter how good the intentions are. Getting to understand your grass is greener cycle, and working to undo it is what needs the attention. It's in that process that people are able to move forward.

#grassisgreenersyndrome #grassisgreener #Relationships #commitment #Anxiety #Depression #MentalHealth

Do you feel like you are better off being single and alone - rather than- to commit an eternal life with a special someone- even though the divorce rates for BPD is high? | I mean, it could be amazing in the start off— but I read a few fail* marriages— and it nearly done scared me. I say this because— Trust* and Believe- can be beautiful in the moment of a waking day— but will it remain until the next day- and beyond that? #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety #commitment