Complex Post-traumatic Stress Disorder

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Complex Post-traumatic Stress Disorder
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    If you had to give a presentation on a topic you are passionate about, what would it be?

    Here's your chance. You have a captive audience to talk about your favorite subject for ten minutes. What is the subject and what do you want us to know about it?

    For me, it's Celine Dion. Aside from being one of the greatest selling female singers of all time, she is one of the nicest humans on the planet. I have had the opportunity to meet her twice, and both times she gave of her time and person generously to every single person there. She's also overcome great adversity to be who she is today so I admire that in her.

    Your turn!! Have fun! Teach us something!

    #Trauma #PTSD #CPTSD

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    The warning signs I didn’t miss

    I recently left a relationship that felt unsafe despite the fact that it left me with less housing stability when I have almost none

    I keep writing these out. There are so many.
    Here are a few

    *His behavior entirely changed when he was angry- he was indignant and irrational. He angered easily. We was irritable and blamed his angry outbursts and irrationality on insomnia.

    *My days were entirely consumed by attending to his needs- his laundry and helping him sleep and talking to him about his needs. He required all of my attention.
    He self sabotaged by drinking excessive and unhealthy amounts of caffeine (for instance double shot espresso and a bang [energy drink] in just a few hours)
    My health rapidly and severely declined- I was only able to eat about 500 calories a day and could only sleep about four hours. I was catatonic most of the time. I dissociated a lot more, I felt paranoid, I could not make sense of anything, my executive functioning significantly declined. I had no working memory. I felt lost all the time. I felt extremely hopeless
    I started hitting myself and left bruises on my legs- I couldn’t control my body

    *When I tried to talk to him about something that upset me, he made it about how I said it

    *I stopped being able to process anything in therapy- the one place I do feel safe

    *I felt like he was doing things specifically to get a response or reaction from me
    *He “didn’t know” the most basic of life skills and would not do anything to “learn”
    *I was not the only one who struggled to reason with him
    *he demanded a lot of energy and attention from everyone in his life

    I was only able to eat about 500 calories a day and could only sleep about four hours. I was catatonic most of the time. I dissociated a lot more, I felt paranoid, I could not make sense of anything, my executive functioning significantly declined. I had no working memory. I felt lost all the time. I felt extremely hopeless
    I couldn’t talk to my therapist
    I started hitting myself and left bruises on my legs- I couldn’t control my body
    When we talked about moving in together- we spent an entire night talking about why I would not just “give him my entire disability check” and then he would “give me back the money I needed when i needed it.” He ended up asking his friend and his friend told him he was wrong- then he continued to argue with me about it

    He would talk in circles in what felt like an attempt to keep my attention on him
    Nothing made sense
    He twisted what I said
    There were periods after fighting when everything was so good again but it never stayed that way
    I knew if we had plans together- it was likely he would start an argument with me and I would be too sick to do the activity. And then he would fight with me about that, oftentimes with me sitting catatonic. Sometimes he would demand “why aren’t you saying anything!?”
    We agreed to disengaging when things were becoming too bad and I was dissociating. I was the only one to try to do that, despite me reminding him many times
    He always had the last word
    The one that clarified everything for me was when we were going to an event for a project to help me share my story he started an argument with me and I almost was too sick to go. On the way there, he drove erratically. I knew he would deny it. But I was like “this is INTENTIONAL. And this is intimidation as a means of control. This is coercive control.”
    I realized as long as he was around, I was going to have to give up the things I wanted or needed to do because he would make it nearly impossible. Even things he wanted to do too.

    I have been through dating violence and domestic violence before. I know the process of re-remembering all the things that in hindsight are so clear and obvious. I’ll probably post more as I work through this.
    #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Agoraphobia #PanicAttacks #DomesticAbuseSurvivors

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    How Bodie saved me. #ChronicDepression #ChronicIllness #ServiceDogsForChronicPain #CPTSD #ChronicPain #AddictionRecovery

    After finding myself addicted to pain killers following a chronic illness, I went into recovery.
    All I ever wanted was a dog but committed to waiting until I had more time under my belt.
    My fiancé decided to surprise me on my birthday with a trip to the Salt Lake City animal shelter. He felt I was ready after a year of sobriety, I wasn’t so sure, however I went in.
    We walked in looking for a 40 pound dog that didn’t shed. Instead we found a dog that didn’t bark like all the other dogs. He looked so sad in his kennel when he looked up at us.
    He was underweight at 62 pounds and we could see his bones. Flies had eaten away the tips of his ears. He had a bad limp. He had kennel sores on all of his limbs and his belly. He had a botched neuter and it was severely infected which was causing him a substantial amount of pain.
    They asked us if we wanted to take him out of the cage. I feared it would cause more pain but he seemed so eager to meet us and show us what he could do.
    We brought him into a little area and he seemed to be managing his pain ok. I wanted to see if he was ok around other dogs, he simply ignored them. I asked him to “shake” then “sit” he did both immediately. I then asked him to get up on the the table. “Up-up” and before I could realize this might hurt him he was up there and had this look of contentment. I was impressed. He knew it too.
    At this point it was 6:00 p.m. and they were closing the shelter for the weekend. I wasn’t even too sure if I was ready to take on the responsibility on having a dog. What if I relapse? What if I fail? What would happen to him?
    Then they put him back in his kennel and he looked at me and he.. howled. I put my hand to his paw through the cage and knew then, he was mine. I left with a very heavy heart that night.
    All weekend I was worried about him. Then Monday morning came. We were there before they even opened.
    When they brought him out to us he looked so happy, wagging his tail and in my mind he had a smile on his face.
    I brought him home and cared for him.
    As my recovery continued to move forward I watched Bodie grow into a dog as I grew into a human. When he discovered what a toy was was about the time I discovered I could laugh, i mean a true, belly, sober laugh. When he found he trust, so did I. Where he found a loving home and family I found myself engaged to a wonderful man who has many amazing children. My family came back into my life completely.
    That 40 pound dog turned into a happy 100 pound dog that sheds mountains of fur and I love him immensely.
    Life is good today. I am still clean and sober and continue to grow.
    Life, truly, does not get any better than this!

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    Let us know how you’d finish this sentence!

    For me it woul be “if it weren’t for my mother and my recovery from alcoholism” #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Anxiety #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #EatingDisorders #TraumaticBrainInjury #MightyTogether #LGBTQIA #KetamineTreatment

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    Zero Love & Belonging for me & now my body is continually rejecting me with new diseases too. Pain vs Suffering

    This is my “BEAUTIFUL FAMILY”; My daughter-38 and older husband and his son to the left. To the right, my Diamond, her daughter, then new daughter in law and son (20). I should say my grandchildren, right. When? I had to begin going behind her back to see my Diamond when she is with her father. Then severe Long CoVid caused Dysautonomia, a big car accident where I got off pretty well- except my vision was damaged even more and Dysautonomia made even worse. I fainted every day for awhile. The 20yr old harmed me last & most 2 weeks after his 18th birthday, just a few days before mine. His mother hugged and consoled me. Made him move out. She didn’t come right back as promised. She went tanning for 4 days on a boat with an ex & still blames me 100%— again!
    That beautiful young man I have always loved like my own was raised to hate me once his mom became jealous. He is gone now too. First he cleverly acted to cause me to be deleted from THE family holiday celebration.

    My daughter sent me this photo after Thanksgiving. I had to call truce due to a tragedy in a woman’s life. Still, she avoided me entire month to avoid a conversation about Thanksgiving. She made herself Matron of the family. I am the ONLY adult my age (58) or older who’s child didn’t do something for them to honor them for the holiday.

    It does not occur to her that all I can see is everyone’s joy as long as I am absent. My mom disowned me for being disabled years and years ago, and my sister left drugs finally to take my place with Mom. She even removed every single picture out of the picture albums shoved them in an empty kids chalk plastic container and gave them to my daughter who left them with her ex. He dumped them on my front porch. Imagine that mind bend!! That was who my holiday anchor was until I was disabled and she uninvited me year after year and then nothing.
    Before or maybe not long after the incident with my grandson I directly asked my daughter, “Do I have love and belonging with you?” Her, “What do you mean!!??” I just repeated it palms up. Her, “I don’t know what to say. This feels like some kind of trick.” she said suspiciously. I was aghast. I was on the verge of tears and turning around, “No Blank. It is just that. I want to know if I have love and belonging with you.” And she answered me plainly. “Then No. You don’t.” This has come up and she has never changed it. I suppose I have a relationship because of my Diamond girl and maybe because she reaches out to me and says she loves me because I’m always here for her. Nope. Codependency left the building couple years ago. I have even had her on no contact for my sanity and lost the girl.

    My depression is so deep I can barely take a breath right now. I want to be loved and to know belonging before I die.
    I wake in #Pain everyday. My fourth CoVid caused my #longcovid to go Primal on me. BA.5 is not like the rest, honest. I finally turned to my alternative Dr herbal Chinese Medicine. I have a Master’s in Nursing and know know know that Western medicine might be covered but is also prescribing black label medications for chronic pain without the deep discussion patients deserve. My own mother in law suffered a stroke as a result of this. They added a black box label, but who explains that it even tells people? See-I’m so #angry . So I gotta pay $$$ out of Disability and $$ monthly for livability. From disability have a tea special made for me 3 times a day that controls my chronic pain enough to move in the house and such. It’s great. Still NO ONE understands that #ChronicPain or weakness, or just can’t either. Major #Depression is when I start to cry. Severe Depression is when I stop crying. Sometimes I start thinking and sometimes I stop. It is much scarier if I start. Pain is tolerable, #suffering is not, and #chronicsuffering is the most brutal of all.
    This Grief I bear, of having NEVER had #belonging once I was also #Abandoned by my poor child that I gave all my limited resources to, I died inside. I substantially failed and raised a daughter who is compassion and empathy challenged. I don’t remember being taught to call my grandparents. I didn’t teach my daughter to. My mom is brutal. Oddly, my daughter repeats her and has barely known her?
    My last straw today is a roommate who played the second mom, daughter who loves you, won’t abandon you card. I didn’t buy it. It’s talk. But I thought she could at least be a civil roommate. She walks in and out of the place without a word. Just jumps on that ABANDONED button as hard as she can! Profanity to the Nines! #Profanity #CPTSD #PTSD #ChronicDepression #Anxiety #SocialAnxiety #AgoraphobiaWithoutHistoryOfPanicDisorder #Grief #longcovid #disposable

    I tried. I don’t have words for what’s happening inside me. This is like Anticipatory grief of a hospice patient you know is gonna pass but we keep holding on and loving them just the same. It all makes the body even harder to manage. Thank you, whoever you are.

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    It’s true! Lavender really does help with stress reduction!

    Try candles, essential oils, body wash or lotion or any other source of the calming fragrance! #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Anxiety #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #EatingDisorders #TraumaticBrainInjury #MightyTogether #LGBTQIA #KetamineTreatment

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    What’s the most effective way you’ve found to relieve stress?

    How was everyone’s weekend? For me, the weekend was really stressful. I learned a valuable lesson about myself and what’s best for me, but it came with loads of stress and anxiety on my mind and body. What helped me the most was to take a self-care day. I went on a walk, sat by the water, wrote on my blog about my lesson, purchased a plushie and a new book to read, and finished my day with some yummy dinner. Although all of the stress wasn’t relieved, I did feel a lot better than when the day started.

    What helps you the most when you feel extra stressed?

    #Anxiety #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #Agoraphobia #SocialAnxiety #PanicDisorder #PanicAttacks #PTSD #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #MentalHealth #BipolarDisorder #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #CheckInWithMe

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    A poem about hope. By Max Ehrmann

    Deny me all the good of earth-
    All joy and soul-rebounding mirth,
    All wealth and rank and love’s great days;
    But leave one thing by which to cope
    With ebbing life’s dim evening rays-
    Leave me but hope. #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Anxiety #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #EatingDisorders #TraumaticBrainInjury #MightyTogether #LGBTQIA #KetamineTreatment