I know I'm slipping, I'm manic I think
Worse I beat drugs even heroin and got off subutex (sp?)
I've been clean since may 2013
There is more involved
So much more
But found a coke contact.
I actually talked a kind neighbor into replacing the money I had taken to buy it
I didn't even start out wanting to do that
Same stuff
I can't
I don’t know how else to explain it other than having your skin crawling with shame, but being too tired to attempt to remedy. It’s exhaustion from coming to terms with my patterns over and over again, year after year, month after month, love after love. It’s being confused, a vertigo like sensation when the chaos of a splitting episode ends. Having felt alone, abandoned and scared for days on end whilst in reality tearing down the very people I love and who love me unconditionally. Only to come out of it through the sobering reality and security found in the damage done while anxious. It’s the guilt I feel when I only feel loved through the pain and stress I’ve caused. I desperately want this to end, often it leaves me wanting to end my own life - though fleeting, it is a reality. To end it for the greater good, for peace - not even my own but for the ones I love. The comedown is where I feel safe and inspired to rise, it’s where I get the energy to do better because of the empathy I feel for the aching hearts around me. To fix the rubble caused by my own war path, I feel needed in the comedown. But what is it worth to fix, that of which I break over, and over again. I am a good man, I know this - when will the cycle end, I am trying tirelessly.
Thank all of you who take the time to read this, I’m okay - you’re okay, and damn are we loved. We got this, it’s just a matter of time. #BPD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Borderline #cycle #Anxiety #Relationships #Support #Truth #Confession #chaos
I’m afraid I’ll always feel lonely
I’m afraid I’ll never found myself
I’m afraid I’ll always feel empty
I’m afraid I won’t be able to control myself
I’m afraid I won’t have healthy relantionships
I’m afraid I’m not going to be able to take care of myself
I’m afraid I’ll never feel stable
I’m afraid I’m not gonna be able to work again
I’m afraid I won’t be able to have a family
I’m afraid I’ll never recover
I’m afraid I’ll go to therapy forever
I’m afraid I’m hurt the people I love
I’m afraid I will hurt myself
I’m afraid I will never be consistent
I’m afraid of how much I feel
I’m afraid of my reactions
I’m afraid of my future
Im afraid of who I am
I’m afraid of my mental Ilness
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Depression #MentalHealth #Confession
Abandonment issues is something I deal with on a daily basis, I’m really afraid of being alone and I’m constantly in a defensive state where I’m specting the worst and I’m afraid I’m not gonna be able to survive by myself. My las relationship was toxic and emotionally abusive, I preferred to be mistreated than to be by myself, somehow it seems a lot less terrifying the constant fights and the emotional roller coaster than the emptiness I feel when I found myself with no one else than my thoughts. We were on and off for almost 4 years, I was constantly asking him if he loved me , if he was gonna stay; spolier alert he didn’t loved and he didn’t stay. I blamed myself for everything even when he left me 4 times and I always was there waiting for him, even when he lied to me, even when he say he would change and he didn’t , even when he stop trying and I said that it didn’t matter aslong as he wouldn’t leave me. I devalued myself for him, and for a lot of people because I didn’t want to be alone, my mentality used to be “I’ll do anything but please don’t leave me” until I broke down really hard, I got infected with Covid- 19 and my already broken psyche couldn’t handle it anymore and I went on the worst crisis I ever had (still recovering from it). Somehow I got courage from this dark place and I ended my relationship who btw was already planing to leave, meaningless friendship and my unsatisfactory work , I couldn’t do it anymore everything was hurting me and I was holding so tightly that I was the one who was hurting me the most. Currently I’m trying to heal, luckily enough I found a really good therapist an psychiatrist also my meds are working just fine! I have no answer and I still struggle but I have hope, and if you are reading this belive there’s hope for you too ✨.
#Confession #Crisis #MentalHealthHero #mentalhealthwarriors #traumasurviviors #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder
I wrote a love poem to someone I knew for like 4 days, I still have the poem: ...
Believe in my eyes as you paralyzed me,
Look into them and hear my heart skip a beat, they're filled with the temptation of falling in love, the desire to hear my name in your voice, believe in my name ... I'm like the flower that grew from the tears of a lover, I'm as honest as the feeling of homesickness, I'll keep you warm with fires that you started in me ... Either stop playing with the matched or shelter me from the flames .
There's also a missing part in there, because I ripped the paper I wrote the poem in, and as for the part "the flower that grew from the tears of a lover" that's the meaning of my name, there was a god in ancient greece named Narcissus. One day Narcissus was walking in the woods when Echo, an Oread (mountain nymph) saw him, fell deeply in love, and followed him. Narcissus sensed he was being followed and shouted "Who's there?". Echo repeated "Who's there?" She eventually revealed her identity and attempted to embrace him. He stepped away and told her to leave him alone. She was heartbroken and spent the rest of her life in lonely glens until nothing but an echo sound remained of her. Nemesis, the goddess of revenge, noticed this behaviour after learning the story and decided to punish Narcissus. Once, during the summer, he was getting thirsty after hunting, and the goddess lured him to a pool where he leaned upon the water and saw himself in the bloom of youth. Narcissus did not realize it was merely his own reflection and fell deeply in love with it, as if it were somebody else. Unable to leave the allure of his image, he eventually realized that his love could not be reciprocated and he melted away from the fire of passion burning inside him, eventually turning into a gold and white flower.... And after writing him this poem, he blocked me of course, cause that's creepy and weird, who'd send love poems to someone they'd just met 😅 ... But yeah I did it
#BPD #Confession #Love #lovepoem #is #Depression #Relationships
I know that I’ve been posting a lot of my negative mood changes along with other things that have affected me mentally and emotionally, also physically, in the last few months. There were even some pretty dark moments in the ast few days. I don’t mean to ruminate about these feelings half the time, I wish it was simple to extract these feeling by physically removing the cancerous part of me, so to speak. There are days that I do feel good. Sometimes those moments feel amazing if not fulfilling for the while that it lasts. What scares me is that it can change so quickly: it can go from feeling so sad that I want to die or that I get so angry that I want to burn everything and everyone who has ever hurt me. Even though I want to be loved and feel wanted, I also will push others away mainly because I feel like they don’t need me. In the same vein of me pushing others away, I feel all the more sad because I might see said person with someone else and they seem to be more happier with them than with me. I find that I do have “favorite people”, but now I feel like no one really fits in that category anymore. Sometimes I get so empty that I try to find ways to feel better like buying things ( even if I don’t need it), eating a lot of junk food, binge watching things on the internet, and other things like that. And like this moment in time, I feel guilty for wasting other people’s time. Even as I write this, I’m crying because I feel like I’ve been feeling like I’m just extra weight. I really wish I wasn’t like this and I wish I knew what was really wrong with me. I know there’s people who don’t care about any of this and I know that there are people who do, but’s hard for me to accept the fact that there are those who do want to help me. Lately, I’ve been getting support, but right now, I do feel unstable mentally. Although, I’ve been told that I’m a likable person and that people like my personality, I still see myself as a monster, a horribly stupid, bad person. I don’t delve deep into self harm, but I have in the recent days. I try to do better with my health, honestly, but it always goes back to square one. I wonder why I even try sometimes. I have outlets to channel all that I’m feeling, but sometimes the motivation just isn’t there. Most times, I find it hard to open up about this or even find the words to verbalize this. I feel like I’ve just been complaining too much about how I am and maybe it would be better if I just went away. It’s all been a lot to deal with. I’m sorry everyone. #MentalHealth #Depression #Confession
Somethings wrong with me... starting off with a negative thought good start..
I literally just prayed to be taken away from this world. People are dying all around and they have families and jobs and friends and I have nothing at the moment... so why can’t I be taken instead of these other people?! “Cuz you still have a purpose”... oh yeah? Cuz it’s not happening and those people had actual purposes too and things to take care of and someone to rely and miss them. And I’m selfish for wanting it to end... but I can’t live like this..
I hate the #Depression brain.
When you drowning in your own thoughts and you want to scream but instead you cry.
#CheckInWithMe
#MajorDepressiveDisorder
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder
#Anxiety
#Confession
Sometimes when I say “I’m okay" I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say “I know you're not."
#CheckInWithMe
#MajorDepressiveDisorder
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder
#Anxiety
#Confession
I feel ‘The Mighty’ is the only place you don't have to say "I'm fine" because everyone on here knows you aren't. 😞
#CheckInWithMe
#MajorDepressiveDisorder
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder
#Anxiety
#Confession
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