chaos

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    It is what it is

    I keep going back to everything I did wrong and how unaware I was of how bad things had gotten inside my head. I wish I could make amends, I wish I could make them see everything I did was out of an immense amount of trauma, pain, and crippling anxiety. But they only see the happy confident person you've always projected. They're afraid of you, they hate you, they revel in your pain. Retribution. They can never relate, because they don't feel it. And I just have to accept all of that and focus on my recovery and trying all over again to do better. I'm tired. But, it is what it is. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #chaos #MentalHealth #Addiction

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    Accomidations in chaos

    Accomidations in this chaos are few and far in between. I don't participate in any extra #chaos . Our home is one with a variety of thins already going on on a daily bases.... people struggling.
    We are a home it a fully disabled Army combat wounded veteran with the inability to work. So, you're talking... #intervert , #PTSD , extra #Depression because he is still able to work in his mind and told he can't, #TraumaticBrainInjury , #PhysicalMedium , #SleepApnea , #closterphobic (in certain situations), #HearingLoss ... and what other #Undiagnosed issues he had prior.. besides #temperment . To add to it... the oldest (teenager) in our home also has a variety of issues...#ADHD , #Merld , #GAD , #undiagnosedasd , #odd , #RaynoldsSyndrome , #mildDyslexia , #boarderlineBiploar ... #sensitive #empath
    Next, a seven year old. He is Super tall for his age and has tons of #growthspurts along with everything else. He is a #SensitiveEmpath with #PTSD and signs of #SPD (#SensoryProcessingDisorder ). He may also have #auditoryprocessing issues. He receives #OT , #St , and #SociaWork services.
    Next is a smart, stubborn, five year old; and a smart, overly active three year old. You are lucky if they keep their shoes on most the time anywhere. 💯🤪🤣
    With all the professional knowledge from my college years (associates degree) and learning from friends I have in the higher up professions of environmental control, Industrial Hygene, constitutional attorney... it also makes me not want to play along with all the chaos that occurs in our current world, let alone make my kids participate.
    Healthcare facilities are being able to break all laws, oaths, and rules they want currently because the ADA is doing nothing just as OSHA has been doing. Instead of helping prevent illness, they are spreading it more. They refused my 7yo this summer from a tick bite, instead of looking at his hip to see it if was #LymeDisease that required antibiotics. Then, I had to fight with them at ER showing my wide knowledge to get my child help.. stressing us out in the process. He was so #anxious the was tightly gripped on my arm as we wanted the room to get seen. He needed #antibiotics .
    Recently, my husband whom had a #spinesurgery last year was to be seen by his primary #NP . She refused a virtual appointment, and refused to see him in person without a mask 😷. He knows masks at these levels don't work for virual (#mocksuits #biochemicalsuits ), gets #clisterphobic , aren't going by #FederalPPEGuidlines , and already is having issues breathing (#musclespasms around his esophagus and #lockjaw ). He asked if they ever tried breathing through a pillow because it is how he will feel with a mask on if he here to wear one. (Plus. Some of those are put together in dirt.. and dipped in chemicals.) My husband was terminated of their care and not allowed to come back to #Bronson . When he got looking at our chart information... our WHOLE family was #terminatedofcare from #BronsonHealthSystem .

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    The Chaos Comedown

    I don’t know how else to explain it other than having your skin crawling with shame, but being too tired to attempt to remedy. It’s exhaustion from coming to terms with my patterns over and over again, year after year, month after month, love after love. It’s being confused, a vertigo like sensation when the chaos of a splitting episode ends. Having felt alone, abandoned and scared for days on end whilst in reality tearing down the very people I love and who love me unconditionally. Only to come out of it through the sobering reality and security found in the damage done while anxious. It’s the guilt I feel when I only feel loved through the pain and stress I’ve caused. I desperately want this to end, often it leaves me wanting to end my own life - though fleeting, it is a reality. To end it for the greater good, for peace - not even my own but for the ones I love. The comedown is where I feel safe and inspired to rise, it’s where I get the energy to do better because of the empathy I feel for the aching hearts around me. To fix the rubble caused by my own war path, I feel needed in the comedown. But what is it worth to fix, that of which I break over, and over again. I am a good man, I know this - when will the cycle end, I am trying tirelessly.

    Thank all of you who take the time to read this, I’m okay - you’re okay, and damn are we loved. We got this, it’s just a matter of time. #BPD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Borderline #cycle #Anxiety #Relationships #Support #Truth #Confession #chaos

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    Beauty comes from chaos

    This my studio, yeah it’s messy but when I’m in there I’m in a trance. Sometimes I’m working on multiple projects simultaneously. I’m not in there all the time it depends on my mood. #messyartist #artist #crafts # #chaos

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    How do I get my shit together?

    Last year brought a lot of challenges for me. I finally had to face some hard truths regarding my health. I discovered that on top of having diabetes, fibromyalgia, hypertension, arthritis, depression, anxiety, ibs etc I have ADHD and I'm autistic. So much makes sense now. But I need to get my life sorted. Last month I started on cleaning up my life and home. It had gotten so messy and cluttered. But there's still so much to do. Plus I'm struggling to keeps on top of medications and appointments and life in general. I've applied for NDIS and if I get approved I'm looking at getting help to organise myself but I want to get started now. I would love to hear what systems work for other people . #Life #chaos

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    Controlled chaos

    Not my usual medium (I mostly work in epoxy resin, artist books using word collage and blackout poetry and also sometimes acrylic pouring) but I've noticed almost everything I make is controlled chaos in one form or another. I'd not done paper marbelling in years but the process of putting something in motion and attempting somehow to control the random and changing movement of the material was very familiar! I'm not unaware of the parallel with my life! The unpredictable nature of #autoimmune and #autoinflammatory conditions often means little control or rather in my case a desperate (and often unfruitful) attempt to clamp some control down over my body and life when it feels like its going haywire.

    #chaos #chaoticcrafting #BehcetsDisease #neurobehcets #Plasmaexchange #MentalHealth

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    Master of Chaos

    I have lots of really great ideas & some amazing projects that I have started. And that is as far as it gets. I start, but never finish anything. Not that I don’t want to, I forget or switch gears mid sentence. I have notebooks, sticky notes & notecards full of ideas & lists. Oh the lists! The lists are a compulsion. They must be done, daily. My planner is full almost every day & I forget to even look at it. Yet I carry it with me like my life depends on those pages. And don’t even get me started on the thoughts running circles in my mind or all the ways I constantly snip at people. Make the chaos stop!
    #BipolarDisorder #OCPD #PTSD #Depression #anger #Anxiety #PanicAttacks #chaos

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    #d .I.D.disaster #chaos #Godhelpme

    I was at work last Tuesday when I switched to my 4 year old alter. I ended up having to take a drug test (which I will pass) and I have been suspended with pay until the results come back. We are so nervous about how our coworkers are going to treat us. Has anyone else been through something like this?

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    The Chaos Magic of Manic Psychosis.

    I did enjoy as I always do that initial period of hypomania because it always takes on qualities of what I sense is a ritualistic engagement with my environment. All of my gestures and other bodily movements become almost sacred as if I am conducting a holy rite that no other person is privy to. I enjoy luxuriating in my body as I lose weight and gain muscle which leads to thoughts of sex that I am yet to actualize with another person. However my erotic life manages to become acute and exceedingly fulfilling until it isn’t.

    I seem to be susceptible to an odd chaos I let into my space which has resulted in a destroyed television, smashed iPhone, cracked laptop screen, tossing a friend’s expensive book into the trash outside, throwing away 2 or 3 brand new pairs of pants, throwing a phone across the street, running up a $500 bill of On Demand Adult “Entertainment” that I didn’t watch, leaving my glasses outside, and hiding the book that came with my Seinfeld box set in bushes somewhere.

    All of this happens once the hypomania has transformed into full-on Mania serving to sabotage my thinking and render me entirely psychotic. I am incapable of living in any meaningful manner because I can’t make sense of life as others seem to be living it. My behaviour is subsequently bizarre to virtually everyone else and in many cases I find myself banished from the premises. I am currently unwelcome at half a dozen or more places of business within walking distance of my apartment.

    When I return to my life I always feel like an interloper and it takes me quite a while to be comfortable again. Also, I feel guilty and ashamed because others have witnessed my meltdown and it is difficult to face up to that. With considerable help I managed to fix some of the material things I broke. My sisters helped with that. I managed to get my friend’s book back after it became surprisingly affordable on Amazon. It all falls back into place until the next disruption which doesn’t presently seem all that imminent but it never does during my fits of stability.
    #Bipolar #chaos #manicpsychosis #Psychosis

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