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Hard day

I’m so tired of getting triggered by the smallest of things in a session. We try to take an easy day and I end up being triggered by something stupid. Or not realizing something needs to be said or is happening for me until five minutes before the session is supposed to end. And then I’m left to deal. I can text but I’ve resolved to leave my therapist alone. I don’t want to be a pain in the butt. I don’t want her to hate me or leave me. I don’t want to be seen as a ball of symptoms or being manipulative. So tonight I’m struggling with realizing what I’ve been trying not to see. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #DissociativeIdentityDisorder #struggling #dontwanttobeabother #Idontwanttobemeanymore


Slow Whine #Pain #stiff #exhausted #dontwanttobeabother

I awaken in the morning at 9am, check the time take my medication drink a glass of water. When I first step onto my carpet there is pain that I first feel in the bottom of my feet, then my hips and buttocks and lower back. I know the stiff pain, like a rusty ball bearing, will last for the next 2-3 hours as my joints slowly provide me with a steady structure for the rest of the days journey. I lower myself to my toilet painfully and wondering why I haven’t invested in a higher toilet. I void and check to ensure I’m not dehydrated prior to flushing. I wash my hands and whence because the water feels icy cold against my sore hands and whence again when I wipe my sore frozen fingers thumbs and wrist with an Egyptian cotton towel that feels like sanding paper on my skin. I creak across my bedroom carpet with the help of my cane, that helps me hold my back up and keep my gait. I feed glitter, my beta. I then creak into the laundry room to acquire fresh water for my African Grey, take this to her cage and feed her morning meal. Now with my trusty Akita, Bubba at my side, I feed him his kibble and give him clean water. Next that awe full hand washing routine again and I make myself a plate of fruit or a salad and painstakingly take it to the breakfast nook to eat while I watch my parrot, Pretty Baby, eat and chat with me while I enjoy my first meal of the day. Then I put the plastic plate and silverware in the trash, let Bubba out to attend to his needs and, afterwards, take my creak, pain ridden body that I have offered my unrequited love, back to that crypt that I call a bed and allow myself the unadulterated pleasure of listening to my Audible app while I attempt to convince myself of the duties I have planned for the rest of my day. It’s 10:00am