Persistent Depressive Disorder

My depression has gotten really bad over the last 2 years. The last month I have been in depths of the abyss of suicidal ideation, and then making plans for my future. I’m up, down, left and right. I have both major depressive disorder and persistent depressive disorder both are considered treatment resistant.

21 years of therapy, 19 antidepressants and ketamine have all failed to treat my depression. I don’t know what to do. I will not go back to the psych hospital. It was a waste of time and money. I got about 15 minutes of treatment. I need help. I don’t know who to ask. My psychiatrist doesn’t know. Therapist seem to have no idea. So who else is there?

I feel guilt, remorse, and shame for having sadistic delusions about my former bullies and I feel bad for wanting to be a mass shooter or a serial killer to murder or slaugter my former bullies, it was a delusional thing I made excuses about.

I have been to the ER and then psych hospital for only a day and I was diagnosed with mental health issue with no useful info, then I was diagnosed with Adjustment Disorder with other symptoms and I was assessed for Autism and got diagnosed with Autism Spectrum. My diagnosis of PDD-NOS (Pervasive Developmental Disorder Not Otherwise Specified) changed to Autism Spectrum.

I asked my nurse why I was being released so early as I still was mentally unstable and he explained to me that I behaved too well and that the outpatient treatment program is more appropriate for people like me.

I am sorry if I sounded a bit antisocial. I don't have empathy for people who made fun of me in the past, but I don't want to go to prison, so I learned to control my anger issues.

I feel so embarrassed

I was so angry that I had a delusional belief that murdering my former bullies was the answer. I also had a command hallucination telling me to murder my former bullies and I turned myself into a psychiatric facility.

I don't want the SWAT team coming to my house, I am trying my best to behave.

I have a Delusional Disorder, but I am legally sane and intelligent.

I feel so R-word, stupid, and delusional for what I thought. Due to the Autism Spectrum Disorder, I don't understand what porn is at all. There are some videos and pictures that I downloaded from ages 13-22 that are allowed on YouTube and in reality erotic and not porn. I feel bad and there is no excuse for the delusional belief I had. I hope that everything is okay on your side. I even thought that tango dance was porn...

I still feel very embarrassed about my anger issues in the past and talking about my dark and twisted fantasies about doing something terrible to people who made fun of me in the past. I also feel embarrassed about what I talked about in the past online, because there was police involvement as someone reported me to the police due to my past behavior online. I once had voices in my head telling me to do those things to people who made fun of me in the past and was in a psychiatric hospital to treat the voices in my head, but still, I feel ashamed of myself.

I know that this was two years ago, but every time I remember what I said online and even the voices that I had, I feel so embarrassed and ashamed of myself, I am sorry!

Although I had symptoms of Unspecified Personality Disorder symptoms with paranoid fantasies before Bipolar 1 Disorder, and although I have Autism Spectrum and it's a neurodevelopmental disorder, I would still get the death penalty if I acted on my paranoid fantasies as it's plans of class A felonies, and also because I am not intellectually disabled.

Although your brain is not that developed until age 25-26, it's a good idea to diagnose mental disorders at age 12-15 as soon it develops to improve the symptoms rather than just waiting for it to become worse until it turns into delusions and hallucinations. If Premorbid Personality Disorder is emerging in young adulthood before Schizophrenia Spectrum and Other Psychotic Disorders, it's best to diagnose it at age 18 if it is severe or age 23 if it is mild, so you can no longer meet the diagnostic criteria for mental disorder and get it treated as soon as possible.

I apologize upfront if I will be a little bit off topic, but I will try to come up with the questions.

So I was diagnosed with Pervasive Developmental Disorder around the age of 3 when I didn’t even speak. Maybe it was too early (?)

Then I started to attend preschool and school in special education, and around seven years old, I started to speak fluently in two languages. Though I still had development delay, I was not good and still not good with math. At that point my diagnosis changed to Autism (since PDD did not exist anymore). Not sure if that was right…

Overall I enjoyed school (even though I was bullied by “normal” kids, which is not unusual and I forgive them), including middle school, but high school was too stressful for me, since I was transferred to the best school in the district against my will and without my friends from middle school. At some point my mental condition got really bad, and I ended up with Catatonia at age 15, which is easy to diagnose correctly since I could not move. At that point I started to receive mental health medications (never had them before). My parents fought the district and I was transferred to a “normal” school (still in special ed), which I enjoyed very much.

My mental situation was changing from time to time and I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. My psychiatrist claims that all my conditions can be explained by either Autism or Bipolar. I have no reason to disagree, even though "Forensic" Psychology is one of my restricted interests and I can easily come up with many different diagnoses.

I had several surgeries, including kidney removal at age of two. Recently I had another tumor in my spine, which was removed a couple of weeks ago. As a result I developed a severe bipolar crisis. I cannot sleep since I have nightmares and hear voices. My normal medications do not help anymore. My psychiatrist is trying to find a new combination.

Do you think this can cause personality disorder?

Today was going so well until my wife and I spent some time together. Ever since I was committed for a suicidal thoughts, when I got out my wife’s attitude towards me has not been the same. This is also when I was diagnosed with BPD. I always knew I had dysthymia, but my diagnosis was always lacking something and this fit it. I don’t think my wife is willing to emotionally provide support anymore and it hurts and just feeds the BPD. 😓

Hi, my name is jjefferson13. Been dealing with a lot of my issues for the majority of my life but recently been given an official diagnosis for BPD. I’m not having to difficult of a time accepting the diagnosis as acceptance is not something I generally struggle with any longer; however I do feel like my life is falling apart because of the things I’ve done and how I have treated others. I’m trying really hard to practice the DBT skills I’ve been reading about but I feel like I’m currently doing this on my own as my wife seems to be abandoning me (and rightfully so after all I have put her through) and my new therapist hasn’t had a chance to meet with me yet. I guess at this moment I’m just looking for some connections. Someone who can relate. Thanks.

#MightyTogether #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Migraine #ADHD #OCD #Dysthymia #SocialAnxiety #Anxiety #Osteoarthritis #Alcoholism

Hi, my name is jjefferson13. Been dealing with a lot of my issues for the majority of my life but recently been given an official diagnosis for BPD. I’m not having to difficult of a time accepting the diagnosis as acceptance is not something I generally struggle with any longer; however I do feel like my life is falling apart because of the things I’ve done and how I have treated others. I’m trying really hard to practice the DBT skills I’ve been reading about but I feel like I’m currently doing this on my own as my wife seems to be abandoning me (and rightfully so after all I have put her through) and my new therapist hasn’t had a chance to meet with me yet. I guess at this moment I’m just looking for some connections. Someone who can relate. Thanks.

#MightyTogether #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Migraine #ADHD #OCD #Dysthymia #SocialAnxiety #Anxiety #Osteoarthritis #Alcoholism

Hello mighty. It's been tough for a long time. There's so much in my life I am grateful for, but I keep lacking that spark, that joy for living. It feels comfortable to be depressed... I know it, it's familiar, but I... I want to be balanced. I also want to experience what it's is to live in my power. I want peace. I want to feel connected to that greater being. I want to revel in my purpose. I'm not a religious person, but I just keep wondering what's this all for?#anhedonia #Doubledepression #PersistentDepressiveDisorder #MajorDepressiveDisorder