Estrangement

I accused my Adult daughter of Gaslighting in our text conversation. She promptly Deleted the last four texts between us! True Story!

I grew up with this person who for most of my childhood I would have equated to a big brother figure (I am an only, so that was important).

He was a bit of a bully in childhood. I remember being both happy and fearful to be around him and it worsened as we aged. Fearful of his words, he was not physically abusive.

I learned how to stand up for myself at some point and we would argue. I would a few times cut him out of my life completely when he crossed the line in trying to belittle me, ridcule me or say something so heinous I couldn’t rationalize a relationship with him any longer.

We are now 51 and 52 years old.

We had the fight of all fights about 1.5 years ago and I cut him off for the last time. My childhood affection that had tethered me to him was gone. And the “funny” stories of his treatment of me back then, well, I came to see them as not funny anymore. I saw them as a pattern in his adulthood treatment of not only me but many family members.

Six months ago he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. He is now in his last days. I reached out following the dx, mainly due to family wishes and a fear of future regrets if I didn’t. I still feel nothing for me, though I don’t wish suffering on him or my family, so I am doing what I can to be supportive while maintaining distance. I would regret being fake with him as much as I would regret not acknowledging his / my family’s pain.

Sorry for the long story.

I guess I’m just here to see if anyone relates and to see how others have/might navigate grief for a childhood idea of someone while also non-grief for the toxic reality I came to see and loathe. All while he lays dying.

#ComplicatedGrief #Estrangement #toxicfamily

I’m finding all these effusive posts about daughters and their moms triggering, particularly since I’m estranged from my mother. My choice. She did the best she could but was covertly incestuous, emotionally neglectful and overly enmeshed. Boundaries weren’t working so going no contact was my best option. Yet not a day goes by where I don’t feel guilt because I know she’s still hoping I’ll miraculously change my mind and we can “go back to being a family like before.” And that’s not going to happen for the foreseeable future. Part of me wishes I could literally disavow myself as her daughter, divorce her if it were. I fantasize about having never been born or having different parents. I don’t blame happy families for celebrating their love but I do resent it somewhat which makes me feel like a crappy person. Anyhow, im trying to avoid social media as much as possible today but it’s almost impossible to avoid completely. Anyone else? #daughtersday #Estrangement #Enmeshment #Parentifiedchild #Guilt #Sadness

I grew up in a dysfunctional family of 6. My oldest brother ended his life when he was about 12 or 13. I’m not sure because his suicide was kept a secret and was never spoken of. I was about 5 when he died. My mom was at the center of most family dynamics. Most days I walked around on eggshells for fear of setting her off in an angry tirade. My father and siblings did the same. As I got older and started to show some independence, things became worse. I was made to feel guilty and was shamed by others in my family for being ‘selfish’. I’ve come to realize that my mother may have had BPD but she had no formal diagnosis (my Mom would have to admit to her own failings in order to seek therapy, which would never happen). I am now 54 and still feel the impact of the enmeshment that consumed our family and, most especially, still tethers me to my mother even to this day. I’ve been attending therapy for many years and have come to better understand that I pretty much experienced anxiety, perfectionism, and the need to people please for most of my life. I admit I was and am an HSP and an empath so absorb all feelings, good and bad, from those around me. Even now, as I right this, I feel like I’m being disloyal to my mother. I mean, is it really my mother and family’s fault that I was a sensitive child? Oh, and did I mention I am the only adopted sibling in my family? Unfortunately, I had to break free about 10 years ago and have been estranged from my family ever since. They likely feel it’s them against me as I became the obvious scapegoat. I chose to step out of the role that had been created for me and it’s like no one knew how to handle that so simply not talking to me (even after years of b’day and Mother’s Day cards) was the route they could all agree on. I am now married to an amazing man who helped me to regain my own sense of self. I was lost and I’m just starting to find myself. I still have a need for validation so if this resonates with you in any way, I’d love to hear from you. You are not alone. #BPD #Enmeshment #Estrangement

I've never posted before, but I need to now. I've been doing so well... 45 years battling depression. I was happier than I've ever been. Great relationships with both of my daughters. The eldest, my best friend and confidante. Highly intelligent, a great conversationalist and someone with whom to discuss everything from politics to science to philosophy. And she was the one person I thought really got me and I could be completely transparent with. I thought she would always have my back.

My younger daughter who has had such a hard past five years, has finally broken free of an abusive relationship. She's had my first grandchild and is doing an exceptional job as a single mom. She and I have become so close since the baby's birth. I have helped her nearly every day with the baby as well as financially since she left her fiancé.

My husband has been battling a food addiction and I thought was doing well.

During a period of 12 hours, my world turned into a dark and hopeless pit of despair. I learned that my husband has been hiding money and has been lying about everything related to his addiction. Time and time again he has looked me in the eye and swore on his childrens' lives that he would never lie to me again.
My older daughter told my younger daughter that I had betrayed a confidence. I talked to my older daughter about some terrible things happening in her sister's life over a year ago. I was at a loss as to how to help her and I thought enlisting her sister's advise and counsel would help me help her. In that single act, her words destroyed my relationship with my younger daughter. And destroyed my relationship with her as well. I have no idea what I have done that made her want to blow up both her sister and my world.. My grandbaby is now lost to me also.

I feel as though I have absolutely no one. My girls have always been the one thing that's kept me off the ledge, and without them or my husband, there is no reason to fight any more. I know that I made a mistake in my pain and desire to help my daughter, and despite all of the love and support and help I've given her the past 6 months, she will not forgive me. I feel like I've lost everything.

Can anyone relate or offer insight? #Depression