Estrangement

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Navigating emotions as estranged family member is dying

I grew up with this person who for most of my childhood I would have equated to a big brother figure (I am an only, so that was important).

He was a bit of a bully in childhood. I remember being both happy and fearful to be around him and it worsened as we aged. Fearful of his words, he was not physically abusive.

I learned how to stand up for myself at some point and we would argue. I would a few times cut him out of my life completely when he crossed the line in trying to belittle me, ridcule me or say something so heinous I couldn’t rationalize a relationship with him any longer.

We are now 51 and 52 years old.

We had the fight of all fights about 1.5 years ago and I cut him off for the last time. My childhood affection that had tethered me to him was gone. And the “funny” stories of his treatment of me back then, well, I came to see them as not funny anymore. I saw them as a pattern in his adulthood treatment of not only me but many family members.

Six months ago he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. He is now in his last days. I reached out following the dx, mainly due to family wishes and a fear of future regrets if I didn’t. I still feel nothing for me, though I don’t wish suffering on him or my family, so I am doing what I can to be supportive while maintaining distance. I would regret being fake with him as much as I would regret not acknowledging his / my family’s pain.

Sorry for the long story.

I guess I’m just here to see if anyone relates and to see how others have/might navigate grief for a childhood idea of someone while also non-grief for the toxic reality I came to see and loathe. All while he lays dying.

#ComplicatedGrief #Estrangement #toxicfamily

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How do you grieve the loss of a parent who is still alive?

This beautiful story by Maya Lorde caught my attention today:

Dead to Me, but Not Dead: How to Mourn the Loss of Still-Alive Parents

As someone who is completely estranged from my dad and mostly estranged from my mother, it resonated with me. There's so much grief, shame, anger, frustration, and loss associated with being estranged and yet there's no space in our society for people like us to have those feelings without intense judgment. I've struggled myself to stop explaining to others why I don't engage with my parents because frankly, they won't understand. They won't know how hard I tried, how much I sacrificed of myself to become what my parents needed. In trying to hold onto them, I lost myself. I'm not willing to do that anymore.

Have you experienced parental estrangement? How has this affected you? Share your thoughts below.

#Trauma #PTSD #CPTSD #Estrangement #Loss #Grief

Dead to Me, but Not Dead: How to Mourn the Loss of Still-Alive Parents

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Will today be a good day?

Here in the UK it's Saturday - and just like every other day I tell myself 'today WILL be a good day'. Sometimes it is, sometimes not so much. I was first diagnosed with depression when I was 14 - I'm now 60! How did that happen? I've always struggled with my mental health - but during the last 6 years, my whole world has been shattered by one traumatic event after another traumatic event. I have lost so much and so many people - I don't recognize the person I have become nor the life I am now living - or rather surviving. I now feel totally LOST myself. #Depression #Grief #Loss #Suicide #Estrangement

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Triggered By Daughters Day

I’m finding all these effusive posts about daughters and their moms triggering, particularly since I’m estranged from my mother. My choice. She did the best she could but was covertly incestuous, emotionally neglectful and overly enmeshed. Boundaries weren’t working so going no contact was my best option. Yet not a day goes by where I don’t feel guilt because I know she’s still hoping I’ll miraculously change my mind and we can “go back to being a family like before.” And that’s not going to happen for the foreseeable future. Part of me wishes I could literally disavow myself as her daughter, divorce her if it were. I fantasize about having never been born or having different parents. I don’t blame happy families for celebrating their love but I do resent it somewhat which makes me feel like a crappy person. Anyhow, im trying to avoid social media as much as possible today but it’s almost impossible to avoid completely. Anyone else? #daughtersday #Estrangement #Enmeshment #Parentifiedchild #Guilt #Sadness

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Enmeshment and Estrangement

I grew up in a dysfunctional family of 6. My oldest brother ended his life when he was about 12 or 13. I’m not sure because his suicide was kept a secret and was never spoken of. I was about 5 when he died. My mom was at the center of most family dynamics. Most days I walked around on eggshells for fear of setting her off in an angry tirade. My father and siblings did the same. As I got older and started to show some independence, things became worse. I was made to feel guilty and was shamed by others in my family for being ‘selfish’. I’ve come to realize that my mother may have had BPD but she had no formal diagnosis (my Mom would have to admit to her own failings in order to seek therapy, which would never happen). I am now 54 and still feel the impact of the enmeshment that consumed our family and, most especially, still tethers me to my mother even to this day. I’ve been attending therapy for many years and have come to better understand that I pretty much experienced anxiety, perfectionism, and the need to people please for most of my life. I admit I was and am an HSP and an empath so absorb all feelings, good and bad, from those around me. Even now, as I right this, I feel like I’m being disloyal to my mother. I mean, is it really my mother and family’s fault that I was a sensitive child? Oh, and did I mention I am the only adopted sibling in my family? Unfortunately, I had to break free about 10 years ago and have been estranged from my family ever since. They likely feel it’s them against me as I became the obvious scapegoat. I chose to step out of the role that had been created for me and it’s like no one knew how to handle that so simply not talking to me (even after years of b’day and Mother’s Day cards) was the route they could all agree on. I am now married to an amazing man who helped me to regain my own sense of self. I was lost and I’m just starting to find myself. I still have a need for validation so if this resonates with you in any way, I’d love to hear from you. You are not alone. #BPD #Enmeshment #Estrangement

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Just when you think the tiger is in the cage, someone flings open the door and all your progress is reversed #Depression #Estrangement

I've never posted before, but I need to now. I've been doing so well... 45 years battling depression. I was happier than I've ever been. Great relationships with both of my daughters. The eldest, my best friend and confidante. Highly intelligent, a great conversationalist and someone with whom to discuss everything from politics to science to philosophy. And she was the one person I thought really got me and I could be completely transparent with. I thought she would always have my back.

My younger daughter who has had such a hard past five years, has finally broken free of an abusive relationship. She's had my first grandchild and is doing an exceptional job as a single mom. She and I have become so close since the baby's birth. I have helped her nearly every day with the baby as well as financially since she left her fiancé.

My husband has been battling a food addiction and I thought was doing well.

During a period of 12 hours, my world turned into a dark and hopeless pit of despair. I learned that my husband has been hiding money and has been lying about everything related to his addiction. Time and time again he has looked me in the eye and swore on his childrens' lives that he would never lie to me again.
My older daughter told my younger daughter that I had betrayed a confidence. I talked to my older daughter about some terrible things happening in her sister's life over a year ago. I was at a loss as to how to help her and I thought enlisting her sister's advise and counsel would help me help her. In that single act, her words destroyed my relationship with my younger daughter. And destroyed my relationship with her as well. I have no idea what I have done that made her want to blow up both her sister and my world.. My grandbaby is now lost to me also.

I feel as though I have absolutely no one. My girls have always been the one thing that's kept me off the ledge, and without them or my husband, there is no reason to fight any more. I know that I made a mistake in my pain and desire to help my daughter, and despite all of the love and support and help I've given her the past 6 months, she will not forgive me. I feel like I've lost everything.

Can anyone relate or offer insight? #Depression

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Pets are such important and beautiful members of the family #griefandloss #Suicide #Estrangement

Hello Team,
My beautiful partner sadly died 7 weeks ago. Every second of my life has been filled with absolute sadness and desperation. My in-law family of whom I have been a part of has become estranged to me in the wake of his death which has added to the immense loss that I am feeling. I have just found out our beautiful dog who I had hoped would be returned to us is now not coming home. My heart has broken every single day since my mans death. Me and my children are continually devastated by the injustice we feel in the world. Although we try to remain optimistic (it is in our nature) it seems the universe is pushing so many lessons in our direction right now it is hard to understand what they are. I’m here sending lots of love to everyone in the community, I know
Our story is not unique but it is valid as it is ours. ❤️

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Pets are such important and beautiful members of the family #griefandloss #Suicide #Estrangement

Hello Team,
My beautiful partner sadly died 7 weeks ago. Every second of my life has been filled with absolute sadness and desperation. My in-law family of whom I have been a part of has become estranged to me in the wake of his death which has added to the immense loss that I am feeling. I have just found out our beautiful dog who I had hoped would be returned to us is now not coming home. My heart has broken every single day since my mans death. Me and my children are continually devastated by the injustice we feel in the world. Although we try to remain optimistic (it is in our nature) it seems the universe is pushing so many lessons in our direction right now it is hard to understand what they are. I’m here sending lots of love to everyone in the community, I know
Our story is not unique but it is valid as it is ours. ❤️

Post
See full photo

Pets are such important and beautiful members of the family #griefandloss #Suicide #Estrangement

Hello Team,
My beautiful partner sadly died 7 weeks ago. Every second of my life has been filled with absolute sadness and desperation. My in-law family of whom I have been a part of has become estranged to me in the wake of his death which has added to the immense loss that I am feeling. I have just found out our beautiful dog who I had hoped would be returned to us is now not coming home. My heart has broken every single day since my mans death. Me and my children are continually devastated by the injustice we feel in the world. Although we try to remain optimistic (it is in our nature) it seems the universe is pushing so many lessons in our direction right now it is hard to understand what they are. I’m here sending lots of love to everyone in the community, I know
Our story is not unique but it is valid as it is ours. ❤️

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So Alone and So Much Pain

So alone and so much pain.

Today I got the news that I’ll be having two separate oral surgeries soon.

I am utterly alone. I was able to get free of the abuse, and a judge ordered my ex to move out, but then Covid hit and my roommate also left.

So now I have been isolated for nearly 5 months. There is no one here but me.

I have no husband. I have no children. I have no parents. I have no siblings here. Even the one I do have that isn’t estranged by our prolonged childhood abuse, the only one I still have a relationship with, is about 3,000 miles away.

The recovery will be long and painful. It will be done in two stages. It will leave me without the ability to chew food. On top of all that, they probably won’t even give me any painkillers after they cut me up and yank things out of me. Now that we have a so-called opiate crisis, they don’t even give a person a short course of painkillers after surgery anymore. They just give you a prescription for ibuprofen. As if you need that. Gee, thanks, I don’t know where I would have found that.

I have never felt so alone. I am in so much emotional pain from the narcissistic abuse already. The physical pain and facing frightening and painful surgeries alone is just compounded by the fact that I have no one to turn to, and the road ahead is bleak.

#CPTSD #PTSD #Isolation #Surgery #OralSurgery #Pain
#NarcissisticAbuse #Estrangement #Grief #Loneliness #Sadness #Unsupported #despair

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