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    Complexities, invisible scars and getting the help you need #TPN #MALNURISHMENT #Gaslighting #behcets #Ileostomy #help

    I suffer from multiple illnesses. The main one being a rare vascular disease called Behçet’s that I was diagnosed with over 15 years ago.. It has destroyed my body inside and out. My entire colon was removed and afterward I’ve developed one problem after another. At one point, I was on a ventilator undergoing 6-8 hours of dialysis a day after I went into kidney failure. I spent year being mistreated by doctors. I have been called crazy, hysterical, accused of seeking pain meds, subjected to absolutely horrific abuse from medical staff and it ultimately caused a spiral in my mental health. For the past 6-7 years, I’ve had a great team of doctors(finally) until now. I went through 6 months of chemotherapy for the Behçet’s. It was very difficult, but it has helped the disease tremendously. Unfortunately, it has caused more problems with my gut. Over the last year I am only able to eat extremely bland food with no nutrients. Now it’s becoming difficult to eat at all. All of my doctors think I need to start TPN right away for severe malnutrition, but referred me to the GI doctor to prescribe it and follow me. The GI doctor refused ANY kind of supplemental nutrition. He was rude, hateful and gaslit me during the whole appointment. I am wasting away. I am too weak to shower, drive and sometimes too weak to walk into the next room. My life is in complete shambles and once again, my mental health has taken a dive. Most days I can’t even digest my medication. I’m completely lost and have no idea where to turn, as my other doctors have begun to step away because I’m so “complex”. I’ve researched where to go for help for the extreme malnourishment and I get nowhere. Can anyone help me and:or offer any suggestions? I’ve faced some really difficult times, but I’m seeing any way out of this. Please help!! #behcets #Ileostomy #malnutrtion #haslighting #help


    First Post Here... Hey Y'all

    Well, I don't even know where to begin. It has become apparent in the last 18 months that my husband of nearly 24 years is a narcissist. He's always been super judgmental (and acknowledges this fact, but has never tried to change it).

    Well, we are definitely in a rocky place. Yes, I have a hand in it -- but, so does he. It takes 2 to tango, ya know.

    Anyways, over the last year+ the home environment has gotten fairly hostile. When he gets home from work, I've been informed I'm "not supposed to speak to him until he's ready"... but he never indicated when that was. So I did set a boundary there... I told him he can't come sit down next to me on the sofa until "he's ready" because I'll inevitably talk to him. He expects me to just "know" when it's ok and not ok to talk to him (based on his mood - which is ever changing).

    Even asking a simple question is met with extreme defensiveness. I was attempting to explain something medical from my doc to him, and he misunderstood. When I said his understanding was incorrect, he yelled "that's what you JUST said"... even though it wasn't. So I simply started over and said everything again. He doesn't listen to me. In fact, we had a HUGE discussion/argument about MY food preferences regarding pickled red onions (I like them, he insisted I didn't). Not 3 days later, he didn't remember the conversation. (He "never remembers" what he's said.)

    He was going to therapy, but hasn't gone in at least 5 weeks. He was the one who said he wanted marriage counseling, but is now refusing. What do I do??

    #narcissisthusband #narcissistspousalabuse #Gaslighting #Depression #Anxiety #BPD #AvPD #ADHD #Fibromyalgia #DDD #chronicpainpatient #Gastroparesis #Achalasia #Stressedout


    Is there anyone out there who was a good Mom or parent- really good in fact- the parent I never had- & now their Grown Adult children Abuse them?

    My kids are 21 & 28. They dont live at home, but in the same town. Both of them have Lied to me, Lied about me, Gaslighted me, Verbally & Emotionally Abused Me- & both at diff times tried to physically hit me. My daughter at 17 I made go live with a friend(whom I gave $ to- for her care), for a few months after she cocked back her fist to hit me- & my son I filed a Restraining Order on at age 18, when he shoved me.
    I Never Physically abused either of these kids. Ever! Yet, my daughter when drunk- said I did, then when Sober denied saying so-
    & my Son, Unbeknownst to Me/ Told all the parents of his HS friends I was abusing him. Im 5'8" & at yhe time, 54 yrs old, on Perm Disab & he was 6'3" & 210 pounds!
    After filing Restraining Order on son- he disappeared for 2 years. He had won 7200 in scholarship money to attend a prestigious University for Physics. In part- he got those scholarships, claiming he was horribly abused as a child- by Me- All Complete BS. He drug me around to scholarship dinners where everyone thought I was a Horrible Monster- & I Had No Idea the things he had told people about me. They alternately hated on me- or watched me closely as if at any minute I would pop 4 heads or something. I knew something was amiss- but only found out when i cleaned his room out after the Restraining Order & found the scholarship application drafts. I was Devastated. My Kids were my Life.
    Anyway, after Restraining Order, he disappeared for over 2 years & resurfaced this year after robbing a bank. No joke. He was Dx BiPolar- & I got him out of jail due to Mental Health issues, conditionally. He was looking at Prison time. Now he lives only a mile away- but i only have contact with him if i initiate. He has never corrected or apologized for his Lies & abuse of me during HS,
    My daughter is bullying & mean to me almost constantly. She lies to & about me, demeans me, criticizes me. I cut her off for a few months & give her another try & she does it again. Last year during fires i was evacuated to a fire refugee camp where the smoke was so bad i developed smoke asthma, needed inhalers, & almost hospitalized. To Boot, Homeless Addicts attempted to rob me one night- but my dog scared them off. My daughter was at her home! She could have easily housed me- but refused & let me suffer. Had situations been reversed- I would have had her out of there 5 minutes after knowing where she was What is Wrong with my Kids?
    Everyone always wants to Blame the Parents, esp the Mom- & I had a truly abusive childhood myself. But I Did Not Abuse these kids. WTH? I
    It Kills Me! I dont deserve this treatment- & I dont understand why they turned out like this.
    Yes they had consequences, yes they learned right from wtong, yes they had chores- & i never missed an opportunity to tell them i loved them or how great they were. It makes me Sad to the Depths of my Soul.
    #abusivechildren, #rejectedparents, #Gaslighting , #ungratefulchildren, #Parenting

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    Gaslighting Oneself

    People gaslight others..Have you ever gaslighted yourself? I know I have. Stop criticizing yourself, be kind. Realize that blame for whatever, can be for others. We should not accept responsibility for certain things that happened, things that, weren’t our fault or things that are the result of another’s toxic behavior. We can be our own worst critics. We can lie to ourselves. It’s damaging for one’s own self-confidence for one’s own psyche. #Gaslighting #Selfblame we need #Selfconfidence #Breathe #JustBreathe #affirmations #PTSD #Survivor #MentalHealth #Depression #IfYouFeelHopeless #TheMighty


    Serious question and I need a serious answer

    This burning question is what actually brought me to join The Mighty today. The matter is over and done with but since my now former therapist has me questioning myself and my sanity, I can't stop agonizing over it and wondering if I was wrong. And I need to know where to go from here.

    Have I been operating under the misunderstanding that my therapist would be the logical place to expect to get a trusted referral for a psychiatrist? Is it normal to be told to consult the internet, a pair or dice, and the oracle instead? That's a minor exaggeration. When I asked for a referral to a psychiatrist I could be certain was reputable I was told instead to look at I tried to tell them "google it" is NOT a referral. After the last several misadventures I didn't feel comfortable taking this approach anymore. I mean, the last one I saw had great reviews and when I checked the state board database he had no actions against him...yet. And then he abandoned his practice, left all his patients without access to their records, had his license revoked, and in my case something much much MUCH worse than all of that and made a hefty contribution to my PTSD.

    So was I wrong to think to ask my therapist for a referral and to get upset when they wouldn't? I was more than clear I was not comfortable just selecting a name off a list online. Or from a list of about 20-30 at a center/organization whose name they gave. I needed an actual name for a provider they trusted so that I could have a reasonable assurance I wasn't walking into something dangerous again. And were they wrong to tell me they would not schedule another appointment until I made an appointment with one which they would not help me find? And it's not like I was a new patient. I was being treated weekly by them for over a year and a half. It seemed like a pretty explicit declaration of intent to deny further care (since they made it contingent upon what I had just expressed I was struggling doing and was seeking help with) and thus terminating care. And without providing "services or assistance in making appropriate arrangements for the continuation of treatment"...which is the definition of patient abandonment I got from the American Counseling Association.

    I feel nuts and stupid asking this at all. It seems like such an obvious answer and I hate that I am in a place where I am doubting and questioning myself over something so foundational. But here I am. And I. Am. Angry. So when I finally manage to muster the courage to seek out another therapist, will it be unreasonable to request from them a trusted professional referral to a psychiatrist they know to be reputable? Tell me please, because I need to know what normal is.

    #Therapy #PTSD #Anxiety #anger #SelfDoubt #Gaslighting


    I’m new here

    Hi everyone, I’m new here and have done an introduction on the mighty already but not on this specific group.

    I’m writing tonight because I got a string of really angry text messages from my mom tonight that have me feeling a bit down and questioning my reality. Years of therapy have taught me about her narcissistic traits and I’ve been validated for the emotional abuse I’ve suffered from her. Therapists have explained to me the concept of scapegoating which I feel I relate to, but my mom is so invalidating that it makes me confused.

    Anytime I try to talk to her about an issue to resolve or better understand something, she turns it back on me… blaming me for the exact thing that I’m bringing up. Is this gaslighting? Can anyone relate to this experience? I’m having a hard time understanding and feeling certain of where I stand at the moment. 😢 The blame and guilt trips (although they used to affect me wayyyy more) are painful and difficult to process.

    I don’t want to play the victim here, and I don’t want to get stuck in that mentality. Ugh how do I fix this? 😓

    #ComplexPTSD #narcabuse #EmotionalAbuse #confused #Gaslighting #scapegoat

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    Chasing Ghosts

    #MentalHealth #PANSPANDAS #Anxiety #AutoimmuneEncephalitis #Genetics

    Our son’s story of finally getting diagnosed with Pediatric Acute-onset Neuropsychiatric
    Syndrome (PANS)

    It was 2013 when I found myself at the local library thumbing through a book about Pediatric Autoimmune Neuropsychiatric Disorders Associated with Streptococcal Infections (PANDAS). I was scanning the pages for a solution on how to “fix” our son but nothing in this story sounded familiar. My husband told me I was chasing ghosts and maybe he was right. But I was still slipping into a yearlong obsession to find answers.
    At the time, Chris was six years old and we had already weathered through a handful of disturbances. With little guidance from our pediatrician, all of Chris’s issues had been explained away. The night terrors, the constant infections and fevers since birth - all were “normal”. But it wasn’t normal to us - he was having two or three a night terrors a night and their effects were spilling into his daytime life; he was exhausted, anxious, and started panicking every time I left the house. We were eventually given the anxiety diagnosis and Chris started meeting with a child therapist to learn how to talk down to his “brain monsters” (if only it had been that easy). Our pediatrician also offered an anti-depressant and we declined. He was only six years old and none of this felt right. A final blow, the pediatrician asked the dreaded question, “Does anyone in the family have a history of mental illness?”. I found myself confessing that at the same age, I also had panic attacks and separation anxiety. I explained that it eventually went away, however, as an adult, it morphed into a generalized anxiety that would rear its head during times of high stress and interestingly, during times of illness. In that moment, after I confessed my little secret, Chris’s health issues seemed to be immediately filed under the “Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree” folder or at least that’s how it felt.
    Through all of these appointments what was never discussed was Chris’s health history. His actual medical file, if anyone had bothered to look, was full of emergency room visits and hospitalizations. By three weeks old Chris spiked a 104 fever and was rushed to the hospital for a full septic work up. He was admitted for five days until the fever subsided. Bloodwork was inconclusive and we were sent home only to be readmitted four days later when another high fever spiked. No explanation from either hospital stay but now our nerves were rattled. In addition to the random high fevers, Chris’s first year of life was riddled with ear infections; ten in ten months to be exact, and two burst ear drums. By the time he turned three, the high fevers seemed normal to us. And then there was the Cervical Adenitis episode - an infected and inflamed lymph node in the neck. After a CT scan and another scheduled surgery, his lump was eventually drained under anesthesia and we were sent home with a three month supply of antibiotics and zero explanation of how or why this happened.
    These medical events from Chris’s infancy and toddler years were never brought up during therapy sessions. And I wanted to know how these awful fevers and infections were related to his night terrors and his growing separation anxiety? These questions wouldn’t leave me and instinct finally started to kick in. I had to stop shying away from pushing the doctors because I was embarrassed about my own history with anxiety. So that’s how I ended up at the library surrounded by medical journals that I barely understood and stories of children with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) that came on overnight.
    Life marched along for us and we started chalking Chris’s anxieties to him just being “difficult” or “overtired”. However, after Chris’s 11 year old well visit, life as we knew it would be thrown off course for good. This visit included two booster vaccines (DTap and Meningitis) seven antigens at once. The appointment had been on a Friday and by Sunday night Chris was feverish and complaining of a headache. On Monday the school called, Chris was having a full-blown panic attack and I had to come get him right away. I took him straight to the pediatrician and after a quick eyeballing of his state (dark circles under his eyes and ghost white skin) and a glance at his file (you know the one) the pediatrician dismissed us with a “maybe he’s just afraid of shots” comment. This was the norm for us now. Any time I questioned the connection between Chris’s health and his anxiety I was told again and again that “anxiety just runs in families”.
    Chris sat on the couch that afternoon and sobbed and sobbed.... for hours! I had never witnessed anything like this and that night he started having night terrors again and every night after that for the next month. The school mornings became torture; we had to scrape him off the floor and wrestle him into the car. This was a new hell for our family, the intermittent night terrors and separation anxiety was one thing to deal with, but this, this was sheer awfulness.
    I started chasing ghosts again, but this time I saw them for what they really were; our genetics. With the help of a few selfless academics that took the time to answer my desperate emails I was pointed in the right direction. And that direction was 50 miles north in Boston. The day had finally come and we were seated in front of a doctor that specialized in PANDAS and PANS. He listened to me rattle off Chris’s symptoms, illnesses, lumps, fevers, the whole time he patiently took notes. I had been bracing for the mental illness confession but instead I found myself answering questions about my mother’s sisters that had rheumatic fever as children, my grandmother (their mother) that suffered from debilitating rheumatoid arthritis, and my own mother who had Polymyalgia rheumatica. It was becoming apparent how relevant it was that Autoimmune Disease ran on my side of the family. This doctor discussed with us that Chris most likely had a fever syndrome as an infant and toddler (random fevers and cervical adenitis were hallmarks of an autoinflammatory disorder called Periodic Fever, Aphthous Stomatitis,

    Pharyngitis, Adenitis (PFAPA)). We walked away that day with a diagnosis of PANS. The next stop, tonsillectomy and antibiotics. The ghosts had spoken!
    Chris had not inherited an anxiety disorder; he had inherited an immune system with a roadmap that had mistakes. Slowly, he started getting better. The night terrors disappeared and along with them, the day time anxieties.
    For our son, symptom onset was not overnight. He had so many health issues starting the first few weeks of life, which continued throughout his early childhood. His body was in a near- constant state of infection and inflammation. Add in his medical history to a family history riddled with autoimmune and strep-related health issues and it is no wonder that our son has PANS/PANDAS.
    Today we know the flares will come but we now have a plan. We have doctors to call for advice and treatment and we have a village of families just like ours that we can reach out to. Our hope is that all of this hell that Chris has been through has some purpose. I hope his story resonates with a parent out there searching for answers. It took our family 11 years to get Chris diagnosed and on the path to healing. I hope someone reads this and the time it takes to find help is cut in half. Please remember that the ghosts and secrets we carry with us are there for a reason. #Parenting #Gaslighting


    I Hope a Therapist Calls Me Today #Anxiety #Depression #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #Boyfriend #Abuse #Gaslighting

    I heard the sound of dripping a little while ago. I look towards the sound, and water(?) is dripping from the ceiling onto my paper towels and in the bin they're in. I woke my boyfriend, and he pulled the bin away, telling me this has happened before. I asked him why he's never told me! I have OCD, and water (or anything) dripping into my bin is a big problem! He said he's told me, that this is the third time it's happened in two years, but I'm positive he's never told me. He's lied about many things before, even things I had proof of. He said he complained to management before (we're in a motel, for those who don't know) and they said it's condensation from the pipes, and it's no big deal. Well, it is to me! My boyfriend knows I wouldn't want my things to be dripped on, so why did he put them there? I'm so angry right now.


    I needed to start to vent somehow before I explode. #AbuseSurvivors #CPTSD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BipolarDisorder

    I’m at the point where so much is weighing on me I can’t articulate what’s wrong when I don’t feel right in one way or another. What I do know is I feel like the walking dead. I need to just vent a little about what’s been happening for me and this doesn’t scratch the surface. I got so isolated that the only person I have to talk to is my therapist once a week so fuck it I’m venting here.

    On December 22nd I found the courage I needed to get cold as a rock and tell my now ex I didn’t want to continue working through things and to please not contact me. I was in an #AbusiveRelationship and had no idea. I’d survived years of #EmotionalAbuse and had been trying to end the relationship for months before finding the stone cold bad bitch I needed to be and stand the fuck up for myself. After years of #Abuse and #Gaslighting I was an empty shell of the fierce woman I’d been. I had a few moments of clarity that probably saved my life. I was able to see the man who said “I love you” for the monster he really is - no matter how many times he called ME a monster for having mental health issues.
    You see, I’ve been diagnosed with #CPTSD , #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder , #BipolarDisorder , #DissociativeIdentityDisorder , and a few other things. I don’t care what I actually have, but the one thing I’ve never done is give up or stop working on bettering myself and managing my symptoms. With all that, I’m back in school at 30 with a 4.0 GPA. I’ve been killing it while being told I’m not good enough and that my issues cause all these problems blah blah blah. He knew so of this about me going into the relationship and used it all against me making me believe I was sick when I wasn’t.
    Meanwhile, he started cheating on me 6 months into our 4.5 year relationship while I was in a mental health treatment program after he convinced me I needed to go to the hospital. The girl was a hooker. He literally fucked her the day after our first Valentine’s Day and then picked me up from my program. I didn’t know this until recently before I broke up with him. Over the course of the next few years he stole over $5000 from me between lying about needing money for bills and taking my half of the rent and not paying it.
    I found out because I went through his phone for the first time in our relationship. I can’t tell you got many videos there were of him fucking another girl on the comforter I bought. I found this out after my mother and I built an apartment in her basement for him and I to live in. Our agreement was that what we paid in rent would pay for the renovation and he accepted that responsibility because I wasn’t working while going to school. He quit his job a month after we moved in and said he couldn’t pay. He kept telling me not to worry about money because he had a trust fund… That was a lie.
    Enough venting for not. It’s exacerbated my mental health symptoms and I’m exhausted. I just needed to start putting words out there and find my voice again.