exhusted

Greetings,
Please close your eyes and picture this.
It is a cool November day and you are waiting for a call that can give you the hope you so desperately need right now. A call you have waited for previously that has contributed to years of traumatic roller coaster emotions and constant butterflies fluttering in your stomach and mind.
The person on the line can give you the time and the peace of mind to make life changing decisions for yourself and your family.
The phone rings and as you answer you are trying to think positively, staying optimistic but at the same time you feel dread, hopelessness and fear. You are already exhausted when you say hello.
The voice you are expecting speaks and tells you that they are recording the conversation for quality and training purposes. You agree and wait for the words that can change your current way of life. Your heart is beating, your mind swirling and tears are at the edge of your eyes waiting for the information.
The answer you have been waiting weeks for is “you have been denied.”
Your heart sinks, you can’t breathe, your throat tightens and tears flush down your face.
How can this be? You are supposed to help, aren’t you?
Why do I have to prove myself again and again?
I want to scream and swear at you. Even though you are just doing your job I hate you, I want you to just understand what I am feeling, the constant pain, the anxiety, the sadness, the desperation and the feeling that I am doing everything wrong everyday.
You don’t care, this saves you money and when you hang up your life has not changed at all.
When I hang up my already exhausting and confusing life has just gotten turned upside down.
How do you prove an invisible illness that effects your everyday life? Your family? Your job?
The word “denied” spoken with ease from those unaffected is forcing you to possibly live a life that you weren’t expecting.
A path that once brought you satisfaction and purpose is now filled with stress and uncomfortable feelings and thoughts. An uncertainty that is no longer in your best interest. Too many factors out of your control, too many lives affected by your long and winding road of healing
Going backward is not an option and as much as you hate that person that left you stuck and feeling lost. The decision has to be made, change your path or redecorate the one you are on.
I obviously do not know what the future holds but I know I am grateful for my family, photography, warm hugs, red pandas and my favourite tea cup.
Just looking for some ᴊᴏʏ & ᴘᴇᴀᴄᴇ on the new path
I am hoping to take.
#Anxiety #AnxietyAttack #Depression #longtermdisability #HealthInsurance #Insurance #denied #Newstart #exhusted #tears #sad #MentalHealth #Emotion #PanicAttacks #hopeless #nocontrol #ChronicPain