fakeittillyoumakeit

Prime example this week. I called in sick on monday because I was awake for 34ish hours (due to insomnia). Not sleeping also triggers my other conditions like migraines and RA flare ups.
Anyway, this is a prime example of why I always regret telling my coworkers (or anyone) about my insomnia at work. Its so damn frustraing to get responses like these from people when the know i have chronic illnesses

Me: sorry i didnt come in. I was awake for about 34 hours and didnt think it was safe to work.
Coworker: have you tried warm milk with garlic? Works for me every time.
Coworker 2: Lush has this lotion that helps me sleep. It smells so good

NO KAREN. IVE HAD INSOMNIA MY WHOLE LIFE AND NEVER THOUGHT TO TRY WARM MILK BEFORE. AND I CANT TRY THAT LOTION BECAUSE SCENTS TRIGGER MY MIGRAINES BUT COOL, THANKS FOR YOUR MAGICAL MILK AND LOTION CURES THAT'LL CHANGE MY BRAIN CHEMISTRY FOR SURE

#Insomnia #RheumatoidArthritis #frustrations #Migraines #Anxiety #ignorance #ignoranceisnotinnocence #CheckInWithMe #ButYouDontLookSick #Cantgetoutofbed #Cantalwaysplayalong #fakesmile #fakeittillyoumakeit #healthcareworker

the idea of #fakeittillyoumakeit is one I live most days. Today was a perfect example, I was in really bad pain, nauseated and generally feeling awful. I know my illness cycle and knew that this was probably the last day I’d be able to leave the house so I called up my long suffering Mum, and we went grocery shopping.
I was really struggling so we headed for the clothes section to find a seat for me. I wanted to cry my neck hurt so much, and the people were everywhere being loud and in my way (they were completely unaware of me, but you know how it is, your brain makes you think they’re all plotting against you). Anyway I’m struggling and out of the end of the aisle appears this gorgeous little face, one of my kiddos from school, beaming up at me.
I’m acutely aware of how I must look to him right now;
hunched over, pale, neck braces, shuffling my feet because I’m so unsteady. so autopilot kicks in and I smile real big, give a hearty hello, and tell him it’s lovely to see him. He skips back to his parents and I make my way to the hallowed land of chairs.
Just for a second there, part of a second even, I faked it. And I made it.

Now, we all are well aware that faking being well is not something that can be kept up long term, nor should it have to be. But just occasionally, I’m glad of the opportunity to do it, so I can make it to the chair, to the home time bell, to the end of the day. sometimes faking wellness is my only hope.
#fakingwellness #trymybest

my abusive father died, and I am trying to seem okay. hiding the pounding heart, the tight muscles, clenched jaw and the unbelieving sadness not because he is dead but all of my siblings are angry at him but are taking it out on each other. and remembering all the horrible things he did and say and all the fear and terror he beat into us. but yeah I am okay. cause I got a husband and two kids and a house that needs to be taken care of. and I want to scream and cry and i cant catch my breath and my teeth are breaking. #PTSD #MajorDepression #anxeity #PanicAttack why cant I break this? why cant i just make it stop?

My sister means well, but in the past has not been as helpful as she thought she was being. "Fake it til you make it" was one of the things she would tell me. I have no idea what she meant and am pretty sure she didn't know wither. It's one of those cliches people keep saying that is actually dangerous advice though. And it says to me don’t tell me how you really feel

Another thing she would tell me was to smile. She'd ask why I don't smile in any of my pictures. And I would tell her because I feel like shit most of the time when a picture is made of me. I also have very real teeth issues. I just got to the point here I can say this. Bit I rarely smile and when I do, it ain't no open mouth smile. But she would tell me I would feel better if I smiled which to me sounded like a variation of "fake it til you make it."

So one I took a selfie where I was smiling and looked like I was having a pretty good day. I don't think it was the picture I attached to this post. But the affect was still the same. I shared it on Facebook and within a few minutes or so, she responded that it did her heart well to see that I was having a good day for once. Here's the thing. I felt like sh*t. I was actually having a really bad day. I was depressed and considering suicide.

I realized then and probably already knew it that when folks try to get you to smile when you don't feel like smiling, they aren't doing it for you. They're being selfish even if they don't realize it. They want to feel better. They want to think you feel better. If they really wanted to know how you were feeling, they'd ask you.

She and I have had to have a Come To Jesus meeting about some of her sayings. The one that would literally set me off was when she would tell me to “choose to be happy.” We went a few rounds on that one before she finally stopped telling it to me. I didn't choose to be unhappy, I would tell her. Besides, depression is not the same as sadness. That took a little while to sink in with her, but we talked it out and she is much better support to me now