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Everything I touch becomes sick with sadness, just like that Taylor swift song….but…

An hour ago I felt so horrible for yelling the word, “enough” to my 5 year old that I felt like I was unworthy of being their mother. I felt like they’d be better off without me. I felt like a worthless piece of shit and like I was becoming my biggest fear, just like my mother. I felt like I would make them feel unloved like my brother and mother told me I made them feel. I feel like I make people feel unlovable because I’m just so fucked up. Everything I touch becomes sick with sadness, just like that Taylor swift song. But he loved me anyways. He noticed. He once again picked me up off the floor from the curled up ball of tears that I lay in and saved me again. I being ashamed of my sobbing tears that sound like the sadness of someone that died, went to shower. The shower a familiar place of safe solitude… or so I thought. It was in that shower I was reminded of my miscarriage, rewatching the dried blood wash down the drain after getting home from the hospital. And then reminded of the teenage girl that use to sit on the floor of our iron stained shower and sob about being abandoned, raped, and sexually assaulted. The lost girl who was alone, unlovable, and unworthy. It was there I felt my lowest lows, water barreling down so hard that it became numbing, feeling so alone that I then contemplated suicide too. He came to check on me just as I was reliving these memories. I was snapped back. He asked me if I was okay. I asked him to shower with me. I just needed to feel him next to me. We hugged for so long my skin became pruny and I had to make the water hotter. Nothing sexual, just pure unconditional love. His arms wrapped around me reminded me I was safe, I was loved, I was lovable and worthy. I am so grateful for him that I’m absolutely terrified of losing him, my therapist calls it catastrophic anxiety. Just like that I went from feeling so unworthy that I felt like a burden to instead feeling a purpose for continuing to fight. He reminds me to keep fighting no matter what. So I’m reminding you to keep fighting no matter what. #MentalHealth #Anxiety #PTSD #ChildLoss #SexualTrauma #Suicide #Childhoodtrauma #keepfighting

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Trying to Live

I am trying to live with a mind that's constantly high or low; with no in betweens! Sometimes it's hard to face myself. Sometimes it's just hard to live, period.

I wake up to fight the same demons that I fought yesterday; it's a daily struggle! I'm just trying to live in this world but I must admit that these suicidal thoughts paralize me sometimes.

I know that on a physical level I'm alive but on an emotional level I feel dead inside like I am ready to collapse because I'm drowning in my sorrow and pain. . . .

Being diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is very hard to accept because people judge you and try to make you feel like you're not normal; in reality normal doesn't exist anyway.

Having BPD and dealing with such intense emotions and struggling to even know who you are sometimes can make one feel hopeless honestly speaking but as a suicide attempt survivor I am not going to give up this fight!

Yes; trying to live with BPD is extremely difficult but I know I am not alone. I know I survived for a bigger purpose than myself. I know that I am more than my diagnosis. My identity is not defined by my mental illness.

I am trying to live, to do better, to survive, to have hope, to love again, to dream again, to fight, to be strong, and be brave in this life.

Because as long as I am breathing, there is life in me and that means there is purpose in me and I will never give up on that and neither should you.

We can fight this. We're in this together!

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Trying #Suicide #SuicideAwareness #SuicidePrevention #Life #SuicidalThoughts #youmatter #fight #notalone #keepfighting #NeverGiveUp #Pain #sorrow #despair #Depression #BPD

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Keep Fighting

Been battling through a rough depressive episode and a few panic attacks over the past few days. Not gonna lie…It was extremely isolating and painful. But, this poem came out of it as a reminder that I need to keep fighting. If you read it, I hope it gives you strength to face whatever you are going through.

#Depression #ChronicDepression #Anxiety #PanicDisorder #PanicAttacks #Poetry #MightyPoets #keepfighting



I'd like to share something with you that helped me last night when I was struggling.
Do you feel broken? I know I do. What's been done to me, what I feel, the way my brain has changed in its workings, it all makes me feel very broken. And I want the girl I was before this back. I want her back more than anything. And some days I just weep, I mourn for the girl I was before this, because she was so bright, so hopeful, so beautiful naive of the pain in this world.
But then I remembered the Japanese art of Kintsugi. They take broken pottery, the pieces that me and you would throw out, and they add gold to it to make it whole again. And I sat with it for a while, because no one could say that it was ugly even though you could still see traces of where it had been broken. And I thought, what if we had that opinion of ourselves? What if I, with a mix of self care, therapy, maybe some medication, and a lot of self love and support, was able to put myself back together with all that gold? I'd still be able to see the broken, but it would be beautiful.

I hope this little thought helps all you warriors on your road to recovery, we'll get there one day! #Anxiety #CPTSD #PTSD #MentalHealth #beautiful #keepfighting

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Be Proud #keepfighting

Life has made us strong (despite feeling weak).
I don’t have armour but my scars are close enough. I am a warrior.

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August 09, 2021 (3:48pm)

No direction. No space. No comfort. No money.

These are the things that i felt at this age of 18. I thought my life is just a page of a book where i constantly napping on my sofa and wondering what’s the next chapter of my life. Staying at my home, is not easy for me. I don’t have the space for me to grow and explore and also the environment itself will cannot justify what i wanted to be. Whenever, my mom and i got into fight, it feels like i’m alone and nobody is there for me to understand what i feel or just listen to it.


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I know someone needs to see & hear this

If you are down, if you feel alone, if you feel like you are falling back, if you feel as though no one cares or loves you, please do not believe those thoughts. It’s completely okay, not to be okay. We have all been there where we have all struggled more times than we would like to admit, along the way in our fight to survive & grow in our recovery. Just know you don’t have to do this on your own. You are not alone🌈☮️ You are Strong 💪 You are resilient 🙌

#notalone #dontgiveup #keepfighting

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#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #SuicidalIdeation #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #fightthegoodfight #keepfighting

Warrior by Heather Groenenboom 05/10/2021 at 1:30am

I am strong like a warrior
I will make it through these obstacles
I will make it through these lies
I will get through these muddy trenches
I will get through the valley of shadow of death
With the help of the Lord God Almighty
He is my rock
He is my comfort
He is my strength in times of weakness
I will make it through these trials with his guiding hand
I cannot do it myself
With God all things are possible
I like this feeling of victory
After a long fight
My chest feeling light
Feelings of joy is overwhelming me
Able to think clearly again
Able to do things and have them working
I’m inside my tolerance box
Not knowing what I did to get there
Only explanation is I waited out the storm
The storm that I thought was going to engulf me
I am proud of myself for hanging on tight
Thank you Jesus for keeping me in your hands like you promised

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#Lettinggo #growth #positive #keepfighting #YouGotThis #warrior #dontgiveup #Gratitude

I wanted to add to my post from last night....yes the waaay to long one. This picture is what sparked it but for some reason I could not post it with the photo.

In short... While we lose many pieces of ourselves to chronic illness it's important to know that new things will emerage within it's place.

Today I am thankful for; a bed day! It was needed and I feel so much better because of it. Binging serial killer documentaries and playing phone games made for a perfect Sunday!