The people I had grown up with were having the best teenage years, according to their curated and limited social media timelines. I hadn’t spoken to them, even though some of them actually lived in my block. Apparently, I was too “uncool” to be around and not someone they wanted to befriend.
I was a teenager, I desperately wanted to feel like I was cool and I was accepted. The fact that I was living in a city I disliked was unacceptable to me. The fact that I was studying in a school I disliked was unacceptable to me. The fact that I was unable to relate to, and was being bullied by my classmates - particularly of the opposite gender - was unacceptable to me. The fact that I was forced to live with constant strife at home and was subject to incidents of verbal and emotional abuse much more frequently than before was unacceptable to me.
I began to feel severely depressed and worthless. Here I was, living a terrible existence whilst the people I had grown up with were living their best lives. I felt as if I had been shortchanged, majorly. I couldn’t accept how I was being treated and the incidents which were increasing in frequency. It made life and the pressure of academics much more difficult for me.
I also didn’t feel like I had a voice anymore. I was no longer myself. I had to do whatever everyone else said that I should do. I was everyone’s rag doll, available to abuse and bully and mock and shun, constantly. This was the exact opposite of the lives that my neighbours were living. I kept comparing myself to them and the feelings of shame, rejection and severe worthlessness worsened. I couldn’t feel motivated to do well in my studies and only received average grades.
The point was, I was in a toxic environment at home and outside of the home. Both had a severely negative impact on my wellbeing, my self worth and my self perception. I went from being moderately depressed to being severely depressed. I could no longer take the feelings that I was experiencing and it made me feel the first true feeling of suicidality as a teenager. I no longer wanted to continue living the way I was. How was it so hard for me to live a decent life when my peers were living amazing lives? Why couldn’t I live a decent life?
I feel deeply, powerfully ashamed of being such a loser. I felt extremely pathetic and disliked, living the worst kind of existence I could have imagined and being abused in every kind of way. This feeling is very hard for me to shake off, and is one that I have not resolved internally. While I began to improve my mental health, I could never accept how poorly I was being treated and how terribly I was living my life.
The feeling of having lived my worst existence is one that makes me feel completely empty. It is the feeling which prompts me to work extremely hard and to live my life to the fullest possible. To go to every room and constantly learn. To push myself as hard as I can. It makes me want to push myself to become amazing.