Today I saw friends and my best friend that I've did not saw a lot since the pendemic... I feel so weird/ anxious and not connected to them since the beginning of the even... Well actually, like as I was a bit depress for not reasons...
I text regularly my best friend and she knows that since December I struggle with my mental health. She is the person that who she knows the most that I'm struggling sometime and who she knows my pasts too. She is the one that I text when I got too close to the edge...
Well, today was so wierd we didn't talk together, I feel practically ignored from her... And apart the group. We did escalation, it was fun. When I was climb up I wasn't feel bad and enjoy it. But when I was at floor level with them I was only thinking about my mental state intrusive thoughts cames back and if I seemed that something was off inside of my head... It was like a wasn't really care if something bad happened to me during the climb. (Which isn't true.. I don't feel suicidal..)
Moreover, I learned that they will seen them tomorrow and next week and I'm not include... Everybody can look who they want... That totally fine. But I felt a bit of jealousy and it make me felt so apart. Also because I was planning an event with my best friend and she isn't available for me... So, I felt off and I just wanted to dig my fingers into my skin to hurt myself... To hush up the feeling of rejection and the anxious feeling...
All my behaviors wants to come back. I feel like I'm alone and it make me think that my friends doesn't like me or I'm too wierd for them. I want to redraw of them again....
I just don't know why at the beginning I feel this fagile/ anxious and as vulnerable as they was able to see through my eyes and see my weakness which that it scare me. #Anxiety #Jealousy #Rejection #Depression