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I Hate This... #TriggerWarnings

I want to off myself... I just feel nothing and everything at the same time... I miss talking to my friends, but I don't want to bother them about this... I'm angry... I just want these feelings to go away... And sometimes, I think that they'll only go away if I did "it". I know that it's the wrong sort of thinking. But... I dunno. I don't even see a future for me. I can't even imagine myself in a few years. Every time I think about the future, all I could think about is me dead. I don't really know. At some point, I feel like I'll do it in the end... It feels like I'm just waiting for something to really push me to do it. And... I'm kinda scared of the thought that I'm gonna do it sooner or later... But, at the same time, I really want to do it as well... I hate this feeling...



Is there a light at the end of the tunnel? Is it real??

I’m feeling down today. I feel down almost everyday of the week. I took the kids to a nearby park. I walked, breathed in the fresh air. It was a nice NewEngland fall day. Not too hot, not too cold. The sun was out and shining and plenty of vitamin D was available . The kids enjoy themselves. It sounds like a memorable day but I see/imagine death every where I look or go. It’s almost like these deplorable thoughts hunt my mind all the time. I was watching a video of this mom suffering from cancer and fighting for her life just live one more day with her family. I would trade places with her in a heartbeat. Why isn’t my life worth living in my eyes? My thoughts and medication are definitely not in love with each other.
I have even contacted a lawyer to draft my will just in case. I also have updated my beneficiaries in my life insurance just case. It seems like everything is almost ready but I can’t see taking the next step. I patiently wait and explore ideas of possibilities. Sometimes, I secretly pray to God to take me naturally so I would not seem selfish in front other people but nothing happens. I’m not gifted. I don’t contribute anything special to this world. There is no need of my presence at this time or any other time but I wondered if my thoughts will ever find the light everybody likes to talk about.
#DepressionSymptoms #feelinglonely #deathwish #AnxietySymptoms #depressive


Horribly depressed

Not good today. Feeling truly suicidal like there is no light no hope. I impulsively married a man I didn’t know well; he turns out to be terrifically sick & abusive. The hearing for him crushing my ribs is in ten days. The DA is going to let him out soon and I think he’s going to kill me. And I still miss him. I was diagnosed with reactive attachment disorder; my mom committed suicide when I was three. I grew up with an abusive narcissistic stepmother who told me since I was a child & that I was going to do the same. Why can’t I care for myself enough to eschew his love and affection. I’m considering giving up custody of my ten year old- to his abusive to ME father- he loves his son but hates me... it’s gotten this bad. J was a truly developed narcissist who assaulted and sexually molested a couple when he was 16, did time, and it was all covered up by his family. He was given 5000 dollars a month for twenty years until I walked in, helped him get sober, and grandma died and disenfranchised him. He’s got no money no job no car no license... and all he’s worried about is if I’m sleeping with anyone... no apologies no care or worry for my welfare...He’s going to hurt me. I’m scared and vulnerable and I know he can manipulate me and he is going to hurt me... and I still miss him. #WhatIsWrongWithMe #FeelingSuicidal reactiveattachmentdisorder


#FeelingSuicidal #

my thoughts race have alot of suicidal thoughts not sure why my life so far is going maybe just a blip in thinking trying to stay positive


#BipolarDepression #FeelingSuicidal

I’m 16 weeks pregnant and so unhappy, I’m so stuck in my living situation that it freaks me out everyday and gives me panic attacks. I would never harm my unborn baby so there for I would never harm myself but what about when the baby comes? Will I be ok? Will my husband be there to help me? Or just work all day everyday like he does now?

1 comment

My go-to coping strategies when I'm feeling suicidal

I don't use those strategies all at once nor every time, but here are a couple things that I've been doing that help me in those moments :

01 • To not stay alone
02 • To think about the people that love me and support me and would be devastated
03 • To orient my thoughts towards a task I like doing like reading, swimming, singing or watching a tv show
04 • To list what I've accomplished so far in my life that I'm proud of
05 • To acknowledge I'm feeling suicidal and write about in detail
06 • To sing max 5 sad songs from my "sad" playlist, then min 5 happy songs from my "happy" playlist
07 • To take some fresh air
08 • To remember that I tend to feel things in a very intense way and that somebody without BPD would not be feeling suicidal in my position

#BorderlineThoughts #copingstrategies #FeelingSuicidal #BPD