i’ve been with my boyfriend on and off for 2 years. he’s my first love, the person i lost my virginity to, and he’s also my first, big heartbreak. when we first got together, things were amazing, probably just the honeymoon phase, but after 4 months he cheated on me with another girl. he went on a date with this girl and kissed her. we moved past and 2 months later he did it again. he went on a date with this girl but after that i was fed up and i left immediately. for over a year, we would talk almost everyday but it was mostly him begging me to take him back and him going out of his way to make me see him. during that time of being broken up, i got into a relationship with someone else. this person was someone that helped me look at myself in another light. he helped me realize how i was never asking for too much from my ex, that i was not crazy and sensitive for wanting to be respected. we are together for 4 months until we got into a heated argument that made me break up with them. i made an in the moment decision and called my ex boyfriend to come pick me up. i stayed with him overnight and made the rash choice to get back together with them and we’ve been together ever since. of course at first it was honeymoon considering he had to make sure everything was perfect to make me stay. i just recently moved in with him and making this decision has caused me to lose every single friendship i’ve had. not even being dramatic on that either because i have ZERO friends. i spend all of my time with this person. during this time living together, we have gotten into multiple physical fights and have gotten into extremely heated arguments that have ended in me hurting myself physically and being gaslighted into believing it was my fault. he’s laughed in my face at me hitting myself and scratching myself to the point i cause blood. over time he apologizes and i forgive him because he’s all i have left. we went to walmart recently and i seen the guy i was in 4 month relationship with. we locked eyes and i immediately turned to my boyfriend and rushed to leave. seeing him made me feel a lot of things i’ve tried suppressing for 3 months. it made me question myself and made me think: what the hell am i doing? this is the guy that loved me with everything he could give me and i’m settling for someone who makes me despise myself. but i love this guy too.
i need advice and i need help. i don’t want to see my boyfriend with anyone else but i also don’t want to see him with me? please, help. i’m running in circles and starting to hate myself for having doubts.