forward

Dear mom,

You asked me today to spend time with just my children…. This is how I feel and how I wish I could respond…

I know this is going to hurt you for what I’m about to say, but the truth is we both continue to hurt from this relationship. You never ask to spend time with us as a family. When you do ask, you only ask to see my children. I think you want them to know this version of you, the sober one, the one who found Jesus. I’m so proud of you for how far you’ve come. I know you want to love on them. But we have so so far to go and I know you’ve given up on us. But understand, I have to protect them like I wasn’t protected. The truth is, you cannot have a relationship with my children without having one with me. I’m not my sister, I didn’t abandon my children so you can see them without their mother whenever you want. We are a family, we’re a package deal. I feel like you do not try to make an effort with spending time with me with the exception of you wanting to see me on my birthday. You don’t even know who I am at all. You don’t even know what foods I like and don’t like because you’ve never been there to know. If you knew me, you’d know I don’t want gifts, you spend money to show your love, I don’t want that kind of love. I want a relationship with a parent that acts like I am still their daughter. A parent that doesn’t give up on their child, a parent that doesn’t stop trying to make amends and give any opportunity to show they love them. Not a parent that talks about me behind my back only for me to find out later. Or A parent that makes passive aggressive comments in front of my children, like I’m no fun, that i don’t ask you for help, the list is plenty long and I’m not the only one who has noticed… It doesn’t matter who or when I was told about the things you’ve said about me. But you telling others that you have to walk on eggshells around me only puts blame on me. Only hurts me. You are not taking responsibility for the reasons why I am hard for you to love. The responsibilities you must take for the things you have done.

The point is, our relationship is hard so you don’t really try or you just leave me alone, likely because you think that’s what I want. I’ve always grieved for the relationship we have never really had. I’ve held onto these words for years because believe it or not I love you and I know it would only hurt you and I’m not so consumed in my own selfishness that I seek to hurt you or want revenge. I am not hard or distant from you because I don’t love you, I’m hard and distant from you because I love you and you broke me, over and over and over again. I am only this hard version of myself when I’m around you, it’s like instinct, it’s automatic, it has been survival. I don’t like who I am around you. Trust me, the guilt is there for me too. I’m sorry for my inability to cope with the pain that has consumed me my entire life. I don’t like the broken jaded version of me my children see when I’m around you. I don’t want them to be broken from you because of the comments you say, or the lack of you being around. I want better for them. I want to be everything for them that you couldn’t be. But I don’t want your complete silence either. I know you tried your best then, but your best isn’t good enough for them. It’s not good enough to stop the generational trauma curse.

You could say I don’t try, and you’re right I don’t. I have boundaries with you because I have to protect them. I have to protect me. I have to protect them for who I am around you. So yes, I stopped trying a long time ago, when I did try with you over and over again, your words cut so deep. So it’s not like I didn’t try. You said things to me that I can’t and would not ever ever say to my daughter no matter what they put me through. Your words just added to the layers of trauma I already have. When I wanted to kill myself as a teenager and again after I lost the baby, I thought of what you said about how you wish you never would’ve had me or that I was just a dumb bitch who only decided to become a good person when I met my partner. Those and so many more words you said are like PTSD reoccurring over and over again. I will forever have holes in my heart from you that will forever remain as scars that serve as a reminder to keep my guard up, to protect. How do you fix it? You’ve asked before. You’ve said I continue to punish you. No, mom you are punishing yourself. I cannot change how you feel, just like you cannot change the things you’ve done or how I feel. Therefore, you don’t. You can’t. Believe me if I could change the past I would fix it too. The only thing we can do is move forward, try to be better than before and that means me always, putting them first. Putting this family I have created first. Always and every single time. #Anxiety #Parentifiedchild #MentalHealth #Depression #ChildLoss #Trauma #Suicide #forward

When you feel helpless, put a load of laundry in and pray. When you feel like giving up, take out the garbage. When you feel like you’ve got nothing left, pick yourself up, take a scolding hot shower and pray. Or don’t pray, but keep moving forward, don’t give up the fight, push through, you’ve got this. Go outside sit on your deck or on a sidewalk, close your eyes, listen to the sounds around you, take a breath and keep breathing. Keep going and no matter how much or little progress you make, don’t give up. #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Depression #Suicide #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #keepgoing #forward

#forward #strive

I lost a baby that I loved and never even got the chance to meet. 2019 absolutely broke me. It broke my heart, my spirit, my passion, my fire inside, and left me leaving the year in a fog that I felt I couldn’t escape. I fell into deep depression, I lost the battle to my anxiety, I planned for ending my life, I cried, I yelled, I was numb, I was someone I did not recognize. I failed as a parent, I failed as a wife, I failed as me....But I got up. I went to therapy. I went back to church. I took it day by day and I had real conversations and opened up like never before, not only with my therapist, but with friends, my husband, and myself. 2019 may have broke me, but it also reminded me of how strong I am and how fiercely I am loved by my husband. My husband, the person who literally picked me up off the floor in my puddle of blood when I lost the baby to picking me up in my puddle of tears when I no longer wanted to fight. 2019 may have broke me, but you saved me. I am not ashamed of my miscarriage, it was not my fault. I am not ashamed of my depression or anxiety, it’s not my fault. I am not ashamed of my scars and childhood adversities, it’s not my fault. I am not ashamed of the death of my friend who overdosed, it was not my fault. 2019 may have broke me, but I was already cracked. 2020 I will rise. I will persevere and I will glue my broken heart together because you reminded me I’m worth saving. #Miscarriage #ChildLoss #Suicide #Anxiety #Depression #MentalHealth #Loss #imworthsaving #forward #Daybyday #keepgoing

#keepgoing #strength #MentalHealth #Positivity #forward #OnedayAtaTime #youareenough #