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If there’s no finish line, then what’s the point

I’m 24 and have been sick all my life. From a traumatic birth, getting diagnosed with asthma at one day old, getting a lung infection at a few months old and constantly having a cold, or flu, or headaches that take days to go away, or migraines that take weeks to go away, or muscle pain, or skeletal pain, or inflammation, or some weird new pain or ailment.

I’m starting to have a real hare for healthy people. Not only do they have absolutely no idea how lucky they are, they don’t seem to understand that not everyone has that. They don’t seem to understand that I’m not doing it for attention, I’m not lazy, I’m not “obsessed with being sick”, I’m not incapable and I’m not someone that wants to be sick. Why the hell would I want to do this to myself?

And why, for the Love of everything good in this world, am I expected to just function like everybody else. I’m expected to perform at work like everyone else, to be able to do everything from sleeping 8 hours (lol) to cooking, cleaning, working, eating, working out, do stuff on weekends.

I just want to sleep, and cry in peace. No one understands the absolute mental toll their expectations or comments puts on me. You don’t think I feel guilty? You don’t think I think those things about myself?

Explain to me how being worried that a flare up can happen at any point for any reason, that a new symptom will just appear and force itself to become my new normal, that I’ll lose my job, that my friends are irritated with me, that my partner is getting sick of me being sick, how would I want this?! Why the hell would I want this? Why would I want to spend thousands on medical bills, or have a doctors appointment on my diary at any give n point, or have a search history that would put a medical journal to shame, or have multiple spreadsheets tracking absolutely everything I do because you never know when a new illness will pop up.

I’m exhausted. I’m so so exhausted. Mentally, physically and emotionally. I cry daily, I’m in pain every single day. And the worst part is I DONT KNOW WHATS WRONG WITH ME BECAUSE NO ONE WILL HELP ME. My body is literally trying to kill me and I can’t stop it. How am I expected to function like everyone else when at this point I’m barely a person or a human being?

I feel like an empty, pointless bag of scrap molecules that’s being tortured for entertainment.

I don’t know how long I can continue like this. I’m contemplating ending everything 3 times a week at the very least. I’m screwing up my liver with medication. For what? What’s the point? To stay alive so I can continue to do this every day? Hope that one day I’ll have a day where I’m just a normal girl with a normal life? That day hasn’t come for 24 years, why the hell would it come at all.

I’m just. I can’t anymore. I’ve reached capacity. #tired #ChronicPain #nausea
#Migraine #done

9 reactions 10 comments


This past year has been so weird with my emotions. I go from randomly crying to having a mental breakdown, and then i feel numb or angry, and then i get a random burst of energy and I'm happy, but then almost immediately after I get sad again. And it's not helping when my mom is constantly telling me to get my emotions under control when I cant control them. TRUST ME I've tried. it doesn't work and i don't know why she doesn't see that. #done #Emotion

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Pictures needed - tell me what you see...

#Anxiety #Selfharm #suicidal #done #Depression #Cutting #Dope #Drugs #pivitolpictures #Rage #MentalHealth #coping

I think we see pictures in our minds that make us accept where we are at and make it so that we do not do further damage.The Mentally Healthy are different, they keep their head up in bad seas and position themselves for the the waves to come. They foresee when a life event is shaping up to be something that can negatively impact their world. Then they use their intuition and lessons from a lifetime of lessons from infancy and personal experience to guard and protect their minds.

We don't do that. The situation hits us and we don't know what to do. So flight fight kicks in and here we go on a ride that won't end well.

We drop our heads and look at our feet and react from that defeated place. Eventually we calm down and move on, but I don't want it to last so long. I don't like losing my mind over something I have no control over.

I for one, don't have a picture of how I can be both in bad seas and have my head up planning a way out, so I am reaching out.

I know that a lot of us practice self harm to cope. At some point there is a picture that you are able to accept that lets you accept your lot in this life, mutilated body parts actively bleeding and all. Thats real life for some of us and I think there is a picture that comes up at the end of an episode that lets them move on.

You don't have to be as messed up as we are to weigh in. If you get it, show us the way of early catastrophe management.

I don't think that this turning point picture I am imagining makes one happy or anything like that, but it's a picture that is enough that we don't make things worse.

If I don't have a picture then I feel very exposed, unprotected, weak, and hide all that behind explosive anger. Righteous, but unbound. I regret my last episode. It was pure RAGE and while it was justified, it was not smart & I hate that feeling. Life got me, I just flew off the handle. Smart people don't do that. Mentally healthy people react in a way that suits the situation without making things worse. I want that and, as of today, I think it starts with the picture.

I want options. In this last event I saw what i have seen for years, a blank canvas. I am scared and don't know where to go with that so I came out swinging. Well, life swings back and I am not the best fighter if I am being totally honest. So here I type, literally searching the minds of the web for insight to create this picture my mind is seemingly incapable of making to date.

You can not show this shit to FaceBook - So here I am asking my fellow MENTAL HEALTH patients for a word picture or an image of what you see when you are in a bad way and your mind finally comes through for you.


PS - I would love if it if you read this and did not know what picture helped you transition from the bad space to the next level up. It's there for at least some of us so share your story of you have to go back there and figure it out. Even if it takes weeks it's worth the journey.


Can I just have one good day? | TW one cap, few swear, minor suicidal thoughts #venting

Can I please just have ONE good day without something or someone stressing me out?! One?! God, this week has been shit. And what’s coming up this weekend isn’t going to make it any better. God, I hate weekends.

If this keeps up, I’m just better off dead honestly because I’m so fucking sick of this crap.

#anger #stressed #SuicidalThoughts #done #sickofit #Autism


I can't do it!!! #familyisnteverything #MentalHealth

So we moved from my mom and I've called her 2 times and she says she would throw my husband in jail for defending me when her son punched me ...and then I called few days later to tell her I got a job and somehow turned it into a fight I'm so over it !!! Why do I try we share DNA doesn't mean your family .. #done



I want it all to stop. I don’t want to continue living if it means experiencing more trauma, difficulty, dealing with people, racial trauma, the long term effects of abuse, etc #Abuse

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what’s the point of carrying on. I got so out of it I declared to be researching how to get SN for death. I’m supposed to see my therapist next week and I think I’ll tell her I’m done. That she’s not helping me, that I’m over therapy, and that I just want to die. That nobody fucking understands me. Another day lived doesn’t mean it “gets better”. It means another day of trauma

Living is just trauma



Bad news all around

They say if you love them, let them go. And like most things, it’s easier said than done.

My boyfriend broke up with me today. Completely out of the blue. I had seen him yesterday and everything was going great, we had even made plans for another date. And then he sends a long message today which the TLDR of was that he wanted to break up.

The best part was this paragraph was sent after I had just had my hearing test and was told I had hearing loss. I told him that news and an hour later he breaks up with me.

The rest of the day has just consisted of breakdown after breakdown. Now I’m just drained of energy, both physically and emotionally.

I was already thinking about getting therapy when I move. I think I might have to get it sooner.

#breakup #HearingLoss #Breakdowns #breakdown #EmotionallyExhausted #exhausted #BadNews #done

See full photo

#3rddose #Pfizer #done #Immunecompromised

Immune-compromised patients are eligible to get a 3rd dose of mRNA vaccine (in the USA and several other countries) to try to bring us up closer to the level of a healthy fully vaccinated individual. I called my doctor's office then scheduled mine immediately and received my 3rd dose today. It was very easy and similar to getting a flu shot.