I am one thin hair away from completely snapping and at this point I'm just waiting for the next disaster
My best friend had a kidney auto-transplant surgery on Friday for her #nutcrackersyndrome and while the surgery went well, her recovery has been super unstable and I've never been so afraid that one of my friends might die.
Earlier this summer my dad was diagnosed with early-stage heart failure and unknown kidney problems, we just found out last week he also has stage 4 kidney disease. And today my dad told us (my family) his latest lab results show slight anima and an infection. But he didn't have any details to give me about the type or possible severity of the infection and my anxiety is running wild.
My overall mental health has been literal trash for months and last April I was bad enough I could have been admitted to the hospital for at least a week but I avoided it. I kept lying to myself that after I was out of the crappy living situation I was in that that would fix everything. But removing the brick that smashed the window doesn't repair the window. The start of the new semester is in 188.8.131.52 weeks and I'm freaking out, in that time I have to pack up everything and move, finish summer school, and work, just to name some of the things. I feel like life is just this sick game of seeing how much a person can go through until they break. Or seeing how many different ways a person can break. I was 5 years clean from #Selfharm until this spring and I've #relapsed multiple times since that first relapse. I thought I would NEVER go back to SH. But here I am actively struggling with it again. Is the universe trying to figure out just how much it'll take for me to actually try to take my own life? I've had a #Suicide plan for years, and I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I'm not at the point where I'm planning on it. I just really want out of life because I honestly don't think I'm cut out for it. I'm losing my mind and breaking, and I haven't even been through any of the 'major' traumas (like physical or sexual abuse, witnessing frequent domestic violence, having an alcoholic parent/partner, etc.). I'm so freaking weak for struggling with the relatively minor hardships I've faced. I want out, why can't I just pause my life without drying and ending it? I can't leave my family. I promised my brother I'd stay so here I am. But right now the idea of having to live gives me an anxiety attack.