IAmNotOkay

My best friend had a kidney auto-transplant surgery on Friday for her #nutcrackersyndrome and while the surgery went well, her recovery has been super unstable and I've never been so afraid that one of my friends might die.

Earlier this summer my dad was diagnosed with early-stage heart failure and unknown kidney problems, we just found out last week he also has stage 4 kidney disease. And today my dad told us (my family) his latest lab results show slight anima and an infection. But he didn't have any details to give me about the type or possible severity of the infection and my anxiety is running wild.

My overall mental health has been literal trash for months and last April I was bad enough I could have been admitted to the hospital for at least a week but I avoided it. I kept lying to myself that after I was out of the crappy living situation I was in that that would fix everything. But removing the brick that smashed the window doesn't repair the window. The start of the new semester is in 2.0.0.5 weeks and I'm freaking out, in that time I have to pack up everything and move, finish summer school, and work, just to name some of the things. I feel like life is just this sick game of seeing how much a person can go through until they break. Or seeing how many different ways a person can break. I was 5 years clean from #Selfharm until this spring and I've #relapsed multiple times since that first relapse. I thought I would NEVER go back to SH. But here I am actively struggling with it again. Is the universe trying to figure out just how much it'll take for me to actually try to take my own life? I've had a #Suicide plan for years, and I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I'm not at the point where I'm planning on it. I just really want out of life because I honestly don't think I'm cut out for it. I'm losing my mind and breaking, and I haven't even been through any of the 'major' traumas (like physical or sexual abuse, witnessing frequent domestic violence, having an alcoholic parent/partner, etc.). I'm so freaking weak for struggling with the relatively minor hardships I've faced. I want out, why can't I just pause my life without drying and ending it? I can't leave my family. I promised my brother I'd stay so here I am. But right now the idea of having to live gives me an anxiety attack.

#Anxiety #Depression #CheckInWithMe #IAmNotOkay #Suicide #AnxietyAttack #CollegeMentalHealth #Death #Health #ChronicIllness

I have class at 10, then therapy at 11:15. I’ve barely slept, I’ve been tossing and turning all night, just like I have been all week. I had my normal therapy session yesterday, and by the end my therapist asked if I had time to see her today as well. I’m not totally sure what caused her to want to see me twice this week, it’s probably a combination of things. Most notably there’s the fact that I told her yesterday if I ever did get to the point I was ready to go through with killing myself, I wouldn’t call her first. Then at the end of our session she was wrapping up by reminding me of my safe spaces but when she said my room is safe I said “until it’s not” she was confused and I said “it’s not safe when I’m not safe with myself..” and well, I think she’s pretty concerned at this point.
I’m so anxious about todays bonus session I feel like I might throw up. I’m afraid she’s going to ask questions that I don’t want to answer. We’ve obviously discussed my suicidal ideation and self harm/recent relapses before but like, there was also other stuff from the week to sprinkle in. I don’t want her to ask deep questions or get me to *feel* what I’m going through. Ughhhhow the crap am I supposed to pay attention in class?!

#Selfharm #Therapy #Suicide #Anxiety #Depression #IAmNotOkay #CollegeMentalHealth

I feel like I’m drowning and everyone around me sees it but all they do is remind me that I know how to swim. But they don’t acknowledge the chaos I’m swimming through or that a person can’t keep swimming forever.

I feel like I’m broken. I’m not me anymore. I’m not motivated by my dreams of my future career anymore and it’s getting so much harder to keep living. I know to my core that my death would shatter my family, but for the first time that knowledge doesn’t always feel like enough of a reason to stay and that terrified me. I’ve also self-harmed five times in the last month when it had been years since I gave in to those urges. And I’m loosing sight of why it matters. What’s a few more cuts, a few more scars no one will see? Why does it matter so much to my friends, to my therapist? I don’t get it. I fight the urges because I know it’s what I should do; it’s what’s expected of me. But I don’t want to fight anymore. I’m too tired to care and besides, it’s not like I have much to offer the world anyway. I’m slipping away and I’m afraid someday I’ll fall deeper then I ever imagined with no way out.

#SuicidalIdeation #Cutting #Selfharm #Depression #CollegeMentalHealth #IAmNotOkay #Anxiety #CheckInWithMe

Y’ALL. What in THE WORLD was I thinking?
Okay let me back up a bit... a few days ago I wrote a letter to my therapist in my journal describing all the things I’ve been having trouble talking about lately. And then today I got on my computer and I rewrote that letter in a Word doc. And emailed it to my #Therapist asking him to read it before our session tomorrow...
I’m now seriously regretting that choice because of all the #Anxiety I was so honest in that journal entry and I’m really scared to face that in our session.. and it doesn’t help anything that I’m not even safely in his office. I’m in my bedroom, with white noise playing on my iPad by my door as I try to have a therapy session at home while my parents still don’t know I’m in therapy. He’s been great at trying to connect over this whole Telehealth thing, but it’s just not the same and I don’t feel as safe to talk about hard things because if I start crying someone might hear.
So now, my anxious, scared and normally very closed-off self is freaking out because I actually sent that freaking letter that I currently wish I’d never written in the first place to my therapist. Tomorrow is set up to be a really freaking hard day, and I’m not likely to get any sleep tonight. So this’ll be fun...
#CheckInWithMe #Therapy #Telehealth #IAmNotOkay #Depression #SuicidalIdeation