Idontbelonghere

Don’t even know where to start. Cause just thinking about it makes me mad and emotional. I am currently 28. I have a boyfriend. I technically don’t have a job, but he kinda has one that is fair (he is into developing) He has been trough a few well paid jobs in the past 2 years. He has money and he know how to work with his money especially when he has a cred card. We live with his parents. I had to ask my mother to help pay rent while i live here. And It makes me feel so bad. I don’t want a job where it’s 9-5 everyday working for someone. Sure I’ll get paid pretty well then I currently am. I am a self proclaimed artist. Doing customised art for people. (Graphite pencil drawings) it takes like maybe 2 weeks for a drawing to be done. And It clearly isn’t enough in my parents eyes an especially not my bofriends’. He keeps pushing me to get a “real” job. My parents too. They don’t understand that I don’t have that mentality or strength to have a work everyday. For the rest of my life. I have no idea how people stay sane. I couldn’t even fathom how I would deal with it. I know for sure i will in the future off myself. Look, I want to make money. Enough to pay my rent and still be reliable for my self. But it’s hard when yout drawings don’t sell and people aren’t interested. I work my ass off just to finsih one drawing and I don’t get that much for it. I don’t know what to do. My bf told me he will have to end things between us if it keeps going on like this. (We are 4 years together this year) #Depression #Anxiety #moneyproblems #financialproblems #failedartist #failedperson #failedson #Idontbelonghere #WhyAmIHere

People usually say that when someone is suicidal they don't want to die, they just want to stop living that particular way. But for me that is not the case. I genuinely don't want to be alive. Live is not for me and no one seems to understand. #misunderstood #Suicide #idontbelong #Idontbelonghere