Marriage

I want to trust you fully. So bad with everything in me. And I do a majority of the time. But I realized something.. The block, the wall, the detour I keep taking or running into.
You told me years ago to drop my mask. To stop shoving the mood swings, the highs, the lows, the anxiety, the fear. The mental illnesses. That with you they were safe, that with you they were ok. So I did. So I have. But when I've trusted that I can do that, that I am safe to do that because YOU told me it was safe. Being met with anger or irritation. Being told in those moments that it's an excuse. That I'm selfish. That I'm weak and pathetic.
It feels like the opposite of safety. It breaks that trust everytime. That trust I've put in you, that I keep putting in you...is the biggest, closest, most vulnerable thing I can and ever have done. I've always felt...like not being better than the shit brain I was selfish, an excuse, weak and pathetic. But you told me it wasn't at one point. And I believed you.
You don't have to understand. You don't have to agree with the illogical world my brain puts me in. When you told me I was safe to drop the mask- in my eyes- you were telling me it was ok to stop fighting the inevitable and that YOU would make sure I felt the opposite of everything I've ever felt. In my eyes- you were telling me it was ok to face myself...in the safe space you provided with no judgment. That you would be the person who would see I was hurting, know it wasn't fixable or necessarily your fault- but stay with compassion and kindness when I couldn't give myself that. Because I've never been able to give myself that. I want to trust you all the time. I do trust you...until when I'm at my most vulnerable-doing the thing you told me it was safe to do- is met with the same hostility it's always been met with in all the close relationships I've had. Kindness, empathy, emotion, offering understanding isn't weakness. It takes so much more work and awareness and strength to be those things. It's easy, cheap, and weak to brush off emotion or ignore it. You made me feel strong and in the same breath somehow took it away and I stopped trusting you fully. I want to get back to the place where I can trust you fully because I know it's never going to come back on me negatively. All I've needed was the emotional safety you told me you could give me. The one thing no one else has been able to give me. I asked for stability. That wasn't the right word. Or it wasn't enough words. You wonder where the girl went that you met? Part of her had to die. She no longer served me or protected me. But the other part. I buried her. Because it didn't feel safe to be her. I retreated so far into myself....because in my mind, once again, me without the mask....is never ok.

Time to relax, recharge, and enjoy the weekend ahead.

#CPTSD #PTSD #Love #Respect #MentalHealth #Moms #dads #people #Parents #friendships #Relationships #Marriage #CPTSD #PTSD #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Depression

So it looks like there might be a divorce on the horizons for me and my husband. I just feel completely defeated and heartbroken. I've tried so hard to make things work to fix things between us but nothing I say ever gets heard apparently. So tired. #Relationships #Marriage #MentalHealth

#BipolarDisorder

My husband wants to help me so bad. He keeps trying to come up with ideas on how to magically fix everything. I can’t have children and I can’t afford IVF. It’s never going to happen for me unless some miracle happens… everyone’s favorite line to tell me anytime I mention infertility but I digress… he wants to fix it so bad he keeps trying to come up with ideas. He asked me the other day if he could just find someone who doesn’t want kids and get them pregnant (by IUI, not sex) and then they sign the baby over to me…. No woman is going to want to get pregnant and carry a baby for 9 months and then give it up intentionally unless they are getting paid for it in cases of surragacy. That’s not a solution. If we had the money for surrogacy we could just do the IVF. Surrogacy costs more than IVF. It’s all the same process except instead of going back inside of my body, it would go inside of theirs. If I could do that I would just want to carry the baby myself. My uterus is fine. My tubes are the problems so if we could do it I would but financially we can’t and it was a “time is of the essence” situation so we really don’t have time to do it later when we have the money. I have accepted adoption as being my only option. That’s okay with me. It’s taken me a lot of time to get to this point but we are certified foster parents now. We have been for a couple months now but haven’t gotten our first placement yet. I just don’t think he has accepted that yet. I think he yearns for children of his own and knowing he won’t ever have that with me bothers me so I know it has to bother him. I just don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m doing the only thing that’s going to be able to make me happy but I’m hurting him at the same time. I want him to have what he wants in life too. And I have a million irrational fears about him leaving me or cheating to get some random girl pregnant just to be able to have a child that’s biologically his. I think I’m just crazy on that part but it’s still a fear in my mind. I know he loves me more than anything and he gives me the world 🌎. He is my best friend and my partner in life. Even though he is my everything, I still have breakdowns every now and again especially around my period just because I’m overly emotional at that time and that’s a reminder every month that I’m not ever be able to get pregnant. It’s hard enough dealing with a period but it’s worse with infertility. I think it breaks him somehow every time he sees me crying my eyes out over it. He feels like he has to be the superhero who swoops in and saves the day but he can’t in this situation. Can anyone else relate? I’ve reached the point where I’m feeling kind of alone in this. I know I’m not alone but I’ve just been kind of down lately. My state has a bad need for foster parents because you see signs everywhere asking for them but yet it’s been 5 going on 6 months since we were certified and we haven’t gotten a placement yet. #Infertility #Marriage #FosterCare #Adoption #lonely #relate #MentalHealth

I am posting tonight to just get these feelings out of my head.. today I was accused of cheating on my husband with a mutual friend AND his cousin, I guess 2 guys in one week... my things were thrown on the bed O was told to pack and leave, I was degraded in front of his family, and then he wanted to have intimacy after telling me I have a std if I was with his cousin.. like.. you're really going to do all of that and then expect me to be intimate with you.. I'm just full of idk what right now.

My husband and I currently separated and have been trying to navigate his BPD diagnosis. How do I stop feeling like he’s blaming all his behavior on BPD?

Back story: We’ve been married 23 years and he’s been dealing with addiction our entire marriage mostly alcohol as of late. He’s not taking any medication or seeking help from a therapist. I also have my own issue dealing with ADHD so it’s a bit hectic and I need help.

Good afternoon! We are on our 25th wedding anniversary trip!! We were commenting on the nite of our anniversary “we actually made it!” Hopin g you all have been coping with all of our life issues!! I know having chronic illnesses is hard as hell but it’s even tougher trying to manage a family too!! Stay strong my friends !