meaningless

I have noticed these too. Two things. Overcome with grief and shock I find it difficult to look at anything with meaning and without apprehension. Like yesterday this friend of mine dropped in and another called ( after an SOS last week I guess they are attempting to keep tabs on me) and I did manage to talk a thing or two on industry and economy with one. But then I wondered... what’s the point? It’s meaningless. Such routines I got sucked into earlier and these routines themselves deeply harassed me and hedging and negotiating through these chores was sapping and exhausting. So there’s fear too even in dealing with routines. But we are told not to look for meanings particularly matters which are purely utilitarian and functional in value. Also fraternizing in its functionality keep alive the social in man and the community itself something that distinguishes human society as opposed to animal society and that’s how we retain our sense of collective. But guess that’s what my depression is... the lack of desire to be retained in this collective. Feel cheated by the collective. And I know the collective, my own friends hardly have much patience to listen to my angst. We have our pasts too and like I have stated before my own past demeanors won’t compel anyone to be much indulgent of me. Further I myself feel too ashamed and tired to keep talking about my pain and grief. I don’t see meanings otherwise in interactions and barely comforting or reassuring and therefore nothing much substantial to happen and bring me back. Love is what that matters and gives meaning and I have been abandoned by the ones I still love and care for. And fear and despair of slim possibilities and currently badgered and harried, loneliness is my future... and death redemption! 🤦🏽😢
#Loneliness #lackofmeaning #meaningless #despair #FearOfAbandonment #Anxiety #suicidal #Communication #conversations

Tonight I went back to feeling absolutely empty. I'm homebound and isolated in general because of chronic illness, but it's way more isolated now during this #pandemic. I'm high risk so I can't go anywhere. Every few days I'm going into this deep emptiness and depression. It's really scary. It's really making my very limited life seem even more #meaningless and #hopeless

I’ve come to the realization that life really has no meaning. I never had parents that loved me, so I have no idea what that is like-to be loved unconditionally. I feel most people have used me for whatever resources they have needed. I’ve always worked hard for myself & it’s incredible how many men especially want to take anything I earn. Money doesn’t mean much to me, but it sure means a lot for most. I find it interesting how important taking a selfie with a Prada purse would be for many-to post it to Facebook, so others can view how “important” that person is. There are people in Africa dying everyday-starving to death. When people claim how blessed they are for “choosing” their parents before they were born, I don’t understand that concept at all. And I certainly wouldn’t choose a life of failure straight from my birth. There are children born into war, and they didn’t choose that. There are babies aborted when only months in the womb-they didn’t choose that. If by chance I chose a life of being completely unloved, I must have been on crack during my past life. Or maybe I was such an evil person in my past life, God is making me pay via a life of having no parents who genuinely even care about me at all. My mother who hates my father-always told me: “If abortion was legal back then, you wouldn’t be here.” My father, a famous scientist, who abandoned me when I was a baby, when I found him again-he told me how evil my mother is & how “you’re just like your mother!” My best friend was murdered by a drugged up driver & left for dead. She was the kindest soul I ever knew. We fed the homeless together countless times-she was so nice to anyone that ever met her. The drugged up guy who killed my best friend-was arrested for leaving her injured on the street. She died 11 months later from those injuries/brain damage/quadriplegia/locked in syndrome/stroke after stroke. But he is now free to drive drugged up again & could do it to anyone....again. So I’ve pretty much lost confidence in human life. I feel there is no meaning. If there is-I definitely was excluded from that life memo. I’m feeling numb to the world lately. I think we’re all equal & no one is better than the other. Just some people get lucky here and there. Others just got handed a rough life from birth. Some were born with a silver spoon in their mouths & their families love them unconditionally. Or maybe they get bad luck too from time to time. Anybody else think of life like this? #Life #meaningless #hopeless