I’m riddled with it at the moment. I’m currently having a flare, which for all you lucky healthy people means my body hates me. My body is attacking itself more than usual and everything is 10fold and I have fatigue, muscle aches, swelling, migraines, hot flushes & my skin keeps peeling open. Gross right. It’s basically the flu... but none of my pain meds work.
Tie this in with being a mum, which in itself is mentally and physically draining when you have a growing boy who just wants to play and explore all the time & the mum guilt takes over.
I would love to be one of them mums who does activities, goes out for walks, cleans the house and keeps on top of things, you see them on Instagram. I know most our muddling through like the rest of us, but it’s hard to see all these children doing all these activities but unfortunately I am not able to. Instead, today we are sat cuddling up, playing in the dark to subside the migraine from Clive the clot & trying my hardest not to fall asleep & keep playing.
Aswell as the mum guilt of not feeling good enough comes the relationship guilt of not doing enough, now don’t get me wrong, my partner is so supportive and genuinely doesn’t care that much about housework as long as Jace is fed, changed and happy, but to me that’s not enough. I want him to come home from a hard day at work and it be spotless & dinner made and when it’s not the bpd paranoia kicks in that he’s gonna get mad, or leave... oh the joys of mental health.
All of these things take a toll eventually, and I’m currently sat wondering if I’m doing enough to aid his development & his happiness. If I’m pulling my weight enough around the house to make it a home. But at the end of the day, a happy mumma = far less flare ups and less anxiety = happy family.
So to all my mummy friends & all my chronic illness/autoimmune friends. Incase no one has told you today. You are smashing it & I am proud. This shits hard, whether you have no kids & auto immune diseases, or you have kids & no diseases or like me, just trying to navigate them both and deciding which ones a priority.
It’s okay to have a few days where you recuperate, to feel you aren’t doing enough. But I guarantee you are, & my messages are always open to talk ❤️