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outer body feeling #Depression

ok mums or parents, do you ever drive with your kids in the car and have this outer body feeling like wow I’m a parent, these kids are mine, or hear them at home doing things and stop and pinch yourself wow how did I get here, these kids, people, humans, my responsibility, when did I become so grown up(44) I can’t do it but some how I do. i wake up for them. #Depression #mum #Mumguilt #insane

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Second Day of Flare! #fibroflare

So this is very unexpected flare. I've doing well for me or so I thought. This flare has hit me like a ten tonne truck. I feel exhausted from lack of sleep, my body feels like its on fire, pain levels are spiking and my stomach hates me! So not a good day. Yesterday was awful but I still got up, walked my dogs, sorted my children (one is an adult) out and did my job. Sometimes I just want to fully rest with no guilt. ##Mumguilt #FibroLife #painwarrior #tired #mybodyisonfire

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Lets talk about #Mumguilt & #AutoimmuneDisease

I’m riddled with it at the moment. I’m currently having a flare, which for all you lucky healthy people means my body hates me. My body is attacking itself more than usual and everything is 10fold and I have fatigue, muscle aches, swelling, migraines, hot flushes & my skin keeps peeling open. Gross right. It’s basically the flu... but none of my pain meds work.

Tie this in with being a mum, which in itself is mentally and physically draining when you have a growing boy who just wants to play and explore all the time & the mum guilt takes over.

I would love to be one of them mums who does activities, goes out for walks, cleans the house and keeps on top of things, you see them on Instagram. I know most our muddling through like the rest of us, but it’s hard to see all these children doing all these activities but unfortunately I am not able to. Instead, today we are sat cuddling up, playing in the dark to subside the migraine from Clive the clot & trying my hardest not to fall asleep & keep playing.

Aswell as the mum guilt of not feeling good enough comes the relationship guilt of not doing enough, now don’t get me wrong, my partner is so supportive and genuinely doesn’t care that much about housework as long as Jace is fed, changed and happy, but to me that’s not enough. I want him to come home from a hard day at work and it be spotless & dinner made and when it’s not the bpd paranoia kicks in that he’s gonna get mad, or leave... oh the joys of mental health.

All of these things take a toll eventually, and I’m currently sat wondering if I’m doing enough to aid his development & his happiness. If I’m pulling my weight enough around the house to make it a home. But at the end of the day, a happy mumma = far less flare ups and less anxiety = happy family.

So to all my mummy friends & all my chronic illness/autoimmune friends. Incase no one has told you today. You are smashing it & I am proud. This shits hard, whether you have no kids & auto immune diseases, or you have kids & no diseases or like me, just trying to navigate them both and deciding which ones a priority.

It’s okay to have a few days where you recuperate, to feel you aren’t doing enough. But I guarantee you are, & my messages are always open to talk ❤️
#ChronicIllness #AutoimmuneDisease


Mum Guilt

I think the worse thing about living with mental and physical illnesses when you’re a mum is the uncontrollable guilt.
I don’t know about you, but my wee man is full on! He needs my attention most of the day which means I have to pick and choose wether I use my hours tending to him or wether I use them cleaning the house. In saying that, it’s more him who gets to pick. He chooses the attention every day.

There’s no clean dishes but dinner has been cooked.
There’s crumbs all over the floor but food in his belly.
There’s toys everywhere but he’s learnt how to knock over towers and build them up again.
There’s trails of water through the house but he’s getting on top of sensory issues.

The list goes on and on. I’m tired and I’m frustrated, most days I don’t even feel like I have the right to be. I made him, I made the choice to be a Mother! So why am I finding it so hard?
No matter how hard I try, I still feel myself failing every single day. I still feel so guilty.
I feel like there’s too many hours in a day but not enough time for me to get everything done. I plan to do everything while he sleeps, then find myself sleeping on the couch the second he dozes off. When is it not okay to sleep when he sleeps anymore?
When does the mum guilt subside? Will I ever feel like I’m doing an okay job?
#Mumguilt #mumsmentalheathmatters #Mummyworries #ChronicIllness #Fibromyalgia #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

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PTSD - I am out of the closet #PTSD #HypermobileTypeEDS #Mumguilt #ChronicPain #Anxiety

So I went to the doctor and told her that I think I have PTSD. I cried and cried and cried.

I didn’t even apologise.

Last week I emailed my husband and I said “I am drowning”

It was a hard week. I made the decision to stop doing all those extras.

I’ve made the decision to start some medication.
To tell people I am struggling.
Not to feel ashamed.
To spend time with my family instead of battling inside my head.

I have made 3 medical appointments I needed to book and I took the day off work.

Currently at an appointment I avoided for weeks. An appointment that will help me with my pain.

I feel amazing. Now.
I didn’t earlier. I received a text and boom I couldn’t move. It was someone asking for something from me. Something I can’t cope with. For the second time my husband has had to email friends, companies and my employer and tell them I am not coping.

I dread someone asking me how I am. If they can have ‘a chat’. However well intentioned.

If I’ve asked for no contact or no confrontation then it’s what I need and not asked lightly.

The doctor offered some time off. If I take time off I will never return to work.

I feel braver for posting this. I say posting. I will spend a long time hovering over the post button.

If someone speaks to me I will click close and avoid the app for a while.

I have caterpillar eyebrows and a moustache to rival Frieda Kahlo as I can’t even contact my waxer at the moment.

Here goes everything....


Mum guilt

When anxiety manifests as anger and you drop the kids off to school after another morning of screaming and yelling. #Anxietyasanger #Anxiety #Mumguilt

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