ok mums or parents, do you ever drive with your kids in the car and have this outer body feeling like wow I’m a parent, these kids are mine, or hear them at home doing things and stop and pinch yourself wow how did I get here, these kids, people, humans, my responsibility, when did I become so grown up(44) I can’t do it but some how I do. i wake up for them. #Depression #mum #Mumguilt #insane
Hope everyone is enjoying the fall weather, I’m glad the heat “may” be over. Anyway I don’t know if I have talked about this issue or not so bare with me let’s call it a recap. So I was caught masterbaiting in my car to relieve stress of being homeless and mentally ill I had covered the windows well. Must have made some sound or the car was moving to attract the attention of a couple about 10 parking spaces away. Now there’s a video of the act maybe on the internet? Since then I have been harassed and bullied by people. “ if I was with a woman that would be ok, but going solo makes me a pervert.” Go figure, ok now about 2.5 weeks ago I was parked on the side of the road in a industrial area with a few houses about a block away. it was late and I was ready to get some sleep. That’s when I hear some man saying “ I’m tired of this perv hanging around here and I’m going to do something about it.” I see a flash light and what I believe was the shadow of a gun, I thinking cool this guy is going to finish what I have tried to do. His wife said “he maybe a perv but is he worth going to prison for and They walked away “damn just my luck” so I went to sleep. The next morning I wake up feeling my down side of #Bipolor and thinking of doing what he didn’t. First I wanted to find out why I have not been charged with sexual offenses, so I called the police. They told me that they have not heard of this issue, but she could hear the disparity in my voice and I was so stressed about it I started to cry. Next thing the entire police force was surrounding me telling me to drop my knife. That’s when I confessed the whole thing, the officer that to me into custody said “ I had broken no laws, you’re not the perv the person who was watching the act and recording it for later viewing, that person is also guilty of invasion of privacy, entering my vehicle by putting their hand in the window to get a good shot, spy caming, and cyber bullying if on the internet or social media.” That relived a lot of stress, but still was taken to Behavioral Heath is stayed all day, all night and most of the next day there. I get back to my car and continue my existence. No more harassment for awhile I think because they may think I was arrested. But when someone saw me the bullying starts up again. I believe they are doing this to bully me out of town, ( I’m not a man that can be bullied, I stand my ground) but I am afraid that if they don’t stop it will trigger the violent side of me and I may end up being convicted of murder put in a detention center for the criminally #insane . I will not leave and I won’t be intimidated by anyone. Any other suggestions on how to make this go away besides leaving and violence? Please help with this it’s really stressing me out and has ruined any chances of finding a mate. Tell me ladies would you date a man who is homeless and accused of being a pervert? I can answer that “HELL NO” Now I am going SOLO forever “lucky Me.” 🥺😢🤯
Anyone here have a real nervous breakdown? I had one at age 19. They run in my family. #heredity #Psychosis #psychotic #insane #insanity
I have said that "once you go thru that door (of having had a N.B.,), you never quite come out.
Here's a #Song the #Lyrics describe what I mean & a little of what it was like.
music.youtube.com/watch
"Came Back Haunted" by NIN
I used to yell at the TV. I love horror movies, most other shows are unrelatable to me. Commercials targeting literally everyone but me, pressing me with what I "need" when in fact I hate 95% of it. Sports fans screaming on about people I don't know playing a game I never understood, let alone cared about the outcome of. A seemingly alien macho affection for vehicles, the expensive, loud, dangerous thing that gets you from point A to point B faster, as if it had some hidden value I was supposed to acknowledge. Comedies where I noticed a laugh track signaling me when it is supposed to be funny, where my laugh is closer to a parrots mimicry. Not really understanding why I should be laughing. Drama, that made me so sick to my stomach I had to leave the room, or suffer an anxiety attack. And if you didn't agree with me on any if the above, you were stupid, so stupid, I didn't want to talk to you until explaining why my views are more logical. After I was diagnosed with autism at age 45 this rebelilous hatred of broadcast went from my unique view, my beat of a different drummer to, well buddy, all this comes from the same source, your miswired brainpan. Knowing that sans autism I would be most likely part of what I see as an insane and dull minded majority, is a bout of depressive reality I have no stomach for. I have no special resistance, I am not magicaly endowed with an IQ so high my towering intellect rises to a whole different level than the drooling simpletons I share no values with. I instead feel deglamoured, siphoned, less robust. Still hate TV but now I wonder how insane my rants must have looked all these years. I for the first time feel doubt, instead of unshakable confidence. Second guessing the sources of my hardships, from "they are morons", "don't need idiots anyway", "I can do this better on my own" to..." oh crap, is this just my autism? ", or "wow I had a script I had been using for 30 years, and it's earned me some genuine suffering and regret, now I have no idea what to say". My learned aggressive approach to defend my views now subdued, no longer a screen dominating program, but a quiet background app. Yes some people feel new life with a diagnosis of autism. I just had my perspective shook up out of my broken kaleidoscope, and handed a telescope for the first time with no idea what I am looking at. I understand now why I can't hold a job or multitask, but I felt waaay better before I found out medically it's on me rather than the world. It wasn't worth it, my gifts being explained away. Not everyone can say they have literally gone through a Twilight Zone quality paradigm shift and live in a world of suspicion and alienation without Kevorkian-like thoughts ending everything. One thing hasn't changed for me though, I still love my horror movies. #Depression #Anxiety #Confidence #PTSD #neurodiverse #insane #Horror
I get called crazy and insane often. Yesterday I don’t know why it bothered me so much. It’s not as if I didn’t believe it already. The tone and intent to hurt me with these labels is what got me. They told me I wasn’t normal - which actually could be looked at as validating for me cause I often feel abnormal while others are telling me I’m just fine. But this time it hurt me. It made me feel othered and alienated. #Crazy #insane #BPD
My mind seems to constantly be on getting away from everyone / everything at the moment, going on #Holiday or a short break, or moving abroad forever might be nice. My thoughts always wandering to #beautiful places.. routines driving me #insane
When you take risks, knowingly, but you still have the #insane thought that certain things will never happen to you. Once they do, you have to live every day knowing that what you did is undoable. Now my life is altered, and every choice I make, must be made carefully. #Anxiety is setting in heavy. 🙁
I had a baby 8 weeks ago; before I was pregnant, I suffered from #Anxiety and had #IntrusiveThoughts . But never in my wildest dreams did I expect to have #PostpartumAnxiety after the birth of my daughter.
But I do.
And now my intrusive thoughts involve my daughter.
I imagine terrible things happening to her. And it horrifies me and makes me feel like I must be #insane to have such awful thoughts.
Recently, I realized thoughts are just thoughts. I have no control over them. I can either perseverate on them and become #anxious or I can allow them to pass by like a cloud in the sky.
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