Ontheedge

Said good bye to my ex boyfriend today he broke up with for a number of reasons like pour communication,lowing,drinking, yelling, hitting, cheating and most recently for not listening when he is trying to help me. My stubbornness and fear of abandonment run so deep I have pushed away the only person who was always there. Due to my addictions and selfishness I have lost the intimacy that this relationship once had. My break from the delusion of being a victim has opened up my eyes to many realizations about how much of a role I played in the destruction of our relationship. I deeply regret hurting him and I hope it’s not too late. Why did I see him as an object before and not a person. The small acts of kindness don’t match up to the harsh reality of misfortunes I have caused such a sweet and strong man.

After suffering with a severe bipolar depression for the last several months, I feel after a few significant changes in my life that things are definitely on the up... I started CBT in Jan and my partner moved in with me in Feb.
The combination of these things and the support I get from those that love me has inspired something once buried and forgotten in me. I am finally making a start on a book, MY BOOK... the one I once thought I could never possibly write because of the fluctuations in my mental state, thus leading to an incredible lack of confidence and motivation in myself which made it seem an impossible task.
The positive changes in my life recently have allowed me to focus on what I really want to achieve in life, and believe it's actually going to happen!
All well and good she thinks, until the doubts start to creep back in... 'Will doing too much too soon get me sectioned again?' ....A phobia that's stuck deep within me after being sectioned for a second time 3 years ago.
The first time I was sectioned (they called it an acute psychotic episode) around march 2015, I was a million times more 'gone' than the second time.... My 2017 episode scarred much deeper, even though I wasn't as poorly as the previous time I was admitted.

It's taken 3 years for me to get to this still sporadic stage, and after dipping my toes back into life recently I feel positive. Positive but honestly, I am petrified ! I'm so ready to move forward yet I've got this conflict inside me that makes it difficult to just 'let go' and embrace my aspirations. I feel like I'm about to bungee jump from some ridiculously high platform.

#Bipolar #BipolarDepression #Anxiety #Ontheedge #positive

What do I do next? The US has stopped manufacturing and importing the one single drug that helps my pain ! Since this happened, my pain management dr has dropped me bc I refuse a pain pump! #Ontheedge I had stage 4, squamous cell carcinoma of the anus and rectum treated with radiation and chemo! I have advanced AS, OA, PSA, Gout, Scoliosis, Osteoperosis, Multiple joint and spine surgeries that all failed, side effects from chemo and radiation that are literally killing me and I can not get two seconds of pain relief !!!!!Hospitals call me a pill seeker and drs dismiss me bc they cannot fix me or bc I know my body and my history and am an informed patient ! I HATE doctors I HATE I have no hope left
I HATE that there is NOTHING OF ME HERE ANYMORE! I used to be a vibrant, amazing and productive human, wife, mother and daughter! I am nothing now; rotting flesh! PTSD is real and no one is taking me seriously There is only so much one woman’s body and mind can stand! I am broken and there are no bandaides left ;I am going to start to look into legal, assisted suicide, and when I’m gone, please use my story to let the FDA, The AMA and the entire medical community that my pain My fear My Death, is on them and only them #lackofpainmanagement #baddrs #killingme #toomuch #nomore #opioidepidemicmyfoot

Nobody in my life understands my struggle just to get through the day. My parents call me lazy cos I can’t get a job, even though I’m doing small jobs everyday just to cover my bills, I have to pick up my 12 yr old brother from school everyday then cook dinner for him and my dad cos mum works full time and on top of that I don’t just deal with what’s going on in my own head my brother finds it amusing to torment me daily saying I’m fat, worthless and I should kill myself. My parents say I’m an adult I need to ignore it but they don’t understand they aren’t just words to me, I have attempted before and thing about doing it again constantly. According to my parents I’m just overreacting and when I finally snap I’m a little bitch and need to learn respect. I can’t handle much more but I can’t afford to leave I don’t know what to do.
#Anxiety #AnxietyDisorder #Depression #Ontheedge #alone #overwhelmed

I’ve had far too many meltdowns in my relationships, especially this one, I’m controlled, I’m accused , I’m put down, I’m misunderstood, he wants to marry me one minute- hates my guts the next.

I rarely see my best friend anymore and when I do I get grilled, I’m loyal af to my FP and it frustrates me when it’s questioned.

I’m ALWAYS at his house 3 hours away from my family and friends and I don’t even drive, I’m isolated, I used to have a home to be proud of, now half of my belongings are at his and my home is literally a squat..

There is no perfect guy for me, not even in books- so why do I still feel incomplete without a man in my life?
Why do I feel too much.?

I’ve had enough

I don’t want to cry anymore.

I will be strong and live MY life for myself. Not for someone else.

#27club #Ontheedge #BPD #Meltdown #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder