oversleeping

I live with my sister and my kids and I sleep a lot. I get made to feel horrible for sleeping and get treated like a lazy loser and a burden by all of them. I’ve come very far since last year when I was in the hospital. No one looks at the good things, only the fact that I sleep too much. It makes me feel horrible and not want to live anymore because it is something I just cannot stop doing. I have no money, no friends and no life. My kids look down on me because I have a mental illness and openly express how I embarrass them. They tray me like shit because they see my sister do it. I don’t know how to change any of this. I’m lost and feel like things will never change.

Because I suffer with daily #Anxiety , depression, and borderline personality, I never really know how I’m going to feel. Somedays are just okay, and other days are bad, and other days are AWFUL. Havent had a good happy day in months. Anyways, I #Sleep and #nap a lot. My sleep schedule is so messed up & it always has been since I was about 16. I take naps during the day for many different reasons, lately it’s been to pass the time of being bored/numb/depressed. Today I wasn’t even tired & I was getting a headache from too much sleep but I just couldn’t be awake anymore. So now, I’m wide awake (it’s currently 2:22... anyone else see angel numbers a lot?) I am dreading going back home to my parents house tomorrow. Lickily my amazing & loving boyfriend is driving us there & will be there for most of the day. I don’t know how I’m going to survive living with my family without him. I was supposed to pack earlier today, but I always have to leave things to the last minute. I am so good at #Procrastinating & talking myself out of doing shit. I was so babied by my mother I don’t know how to do anything for myself, I have no self discipline and my #Borderline tends to make me feel sorry for myself which I hate. I’ve been living in my ego & feeding my ego for far too long but it take so much effort to do anything. I haven’t even finished packing yet and we leave tomorrow morning at 10am which means I need to be up at 8am and I’ll probably fall asleep around 3am. WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF?! I get so angry at myself then feel sorry for myself & don’t change. UGH. I’m hoping I can fall asleep fast, wake up with ease, feel positively motivated to pack quickly & enjoy getting ready. I hope the drive will be nice & easy & smooth the whole way there & I’ll enjoy the 2 hour solitude with my boyfriend & dog. I hope seeing my family tomorrow will be surprisingly good, and that I’ll feel peaceful going back to church rather than anxious. But who knows? Any tiny thing can go wrong & it’ll set me off. I also don’t know if I should pack my weed or not? Does anyone else ? How does it effect yourself #moods? Does anyone else struggle with this bad habits of #oversleeping & #Procrastinating until you have no one to be upset with but yourself? I’m going to #meditate now & try to fall asleep.....