Panic Attacks

She was in the mood for blueberry pancakes tonight so that's what we had at 1am. I feel bloated and grumpy. I don't know if I should have eaten them but they were delicious.

I've been having restless arms for the last few hours. I took a pregabalin and then konked out for an hour. But when I woke up my arms still hurt.

I've been fighting with my hair all day. It's just way too long and keeps getting in my eyes. I am using a hair clip but my hair doesn't adhere to the laws of physics.

I had a panic attack today. I took my night meds last night so that's not what caused it. I tried using fingernail clippers but my hands were so shaky. I accidentally cut one nail too far. It didn't bleed though.

I'm in a very sour mood. I am tired of being talked down to and the passive aggressive BS.

When I was going through my hell, I always wished I had someone I could open up to in hopes that they could help me. I would of gave my right arm for that. I want to offer my real life experience ( no college degree or textbooks) of what it took to overcome my isolation, severe anxiety, panic attacks, depression, and agoraphobia. But only YOU can take that first step,. Take a chance and reach out, I'm here for YOU, no judgement, just a desire to possibly help someone with something close to my heart, that's all.

I dont even know how to describe today, so ill just start with the things that happened.
I was woken up by my former partner. (I can't seem to be able to call him ex, ex boyfriend, ex fiancé) Anyways I broke things off and I haven't been able to leave. It's been about a month now and we've been sleeping in separate rooms. He is definitely broken with this situation. He tells me I can sleep with him, but I know i shouldn't and also, he was the one that initially said we shouldn't be sleeping in the same bed and got a small mattress. He woke me up and told me he doesn't want me to leave and he is open to therapy and he would do anything for me.
I didn't answer.
I feel ashamed for what I've done to him. I have previously broken things off because I get this "gut feeling" that tells me I don't want him. The breakups had been brief but still impactful to be because he quickly tells his family about it. And I feel shame for it.
It's been an 8 year relationship, "high-school sweethearts." We moved out of staye together after college and again we recently moved to another state. We have gone on vacations together and with his family, we have two dogs together.
We talked about getting a house, having kids, getting old. But this stupid gut feeling never went away.
We only tired therapy for about 3 months and we had to stop because we moved. I told him I wanted to do therapy again, I told him about it because I got the gut feeling along with a panic attack. And he didn't listen to me. He has never been a believer in therapy.

One thing I feel good about today was finally applying for Medicaid. I started reaching out to counselors and therapist too. I'm scared of how dark my self talk has been, especially with all of this shame and guilt that I'm carrying.

Thank you if you read this far.
#Relationships #Depression #PanicAttacks

Hi, my name is Steve12334. I'm here because I had a panic attack about death and I want to find ways to accept or minimize the next attack especially when there is a big change in my life

#MightyTogether #Anxiety